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Thursday, August 20, 2009

From here.

This is actually happening. I am in a bed, hooked up to an IV and heart monitor, and I have to pee with the door open. I am under intensive watch 24 hours a day... for "safety" reasons... aka so I consume and digest every last crumb on my plate and remain on bedrest. Did you know you can burn calories tapping your toe in bed? I did. I have an eating disorder and was checked into the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia for intensive medical care.  I'm destroying my insides and slowly killing myself. Thanks a lot, ED.

How did I even get here? Who is this person trapped inside my body and controlling my brain? I'm sick. I was completely delirious when I checked into the hospital. And by delirious I mean nearly dead. All my vital signs were low and they're pretty sure I had hypothermia. I was scared. Wait, scratch that... I am scared.

I've been good. I've followed all of the rules (well, most of them... thanks again, ED).  I've probably gained several pounds, although I wouldn't know for sure because I get weight backwards every morning and evening.  Food is shoved down my throat (ok, not literally) 5 times a day.  If I don't finish every last bit on my plate, including the last drop of Ranch dressing, I have to supplement the calories with a Boost.  But it's fine. I'll be medically stable enough to get out of here soon. Hopefully after the 12pm meeting with the team of doctors.

Wait. I have an eating disorder. I want-- no, I need to get better. I can't live like this.  I can't die like this. I still have the rest of my life to live.  I need to get rid of ED before it gets rid of me.

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