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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Purple Power.

I was supposed to be out of here (CHOP) today. I was supposed to only eat breakfast here. I was supposed to be admitted as an inpatient to Princeton's Center for Eating Disorders Care (WILLINGLY!).  However, I'm still here.  Trapped in this fish bowl with a babysitter and 2400 calories shoved down my throat.  Today, I broke down.  I completely lost it.  After I lost it, I learned a valuable lesson.  No, scratch that.  I learned two valuable lessons:

Lesson 1: Hospitals are a mess.  A disorganized, hot mess.  There are 23472349723984723984 doctors, nurses, social workers, and other various personnel involved.  Yet, none of them communicate with each other.  So, here I am.  Removing from a meltdown, trapped in a hospital bed.

Lesson 2: You are your only ally.  Only you can save you.

The sequence of events went something like the following:
1. I wake up expecting to leave the hospital sometime mid-morning.
2. My parents arrive mid-morning and we sit. And wait. Incase you were unaware, waiting = anxiety.
3. A doctor enters my hospital room and informs me I may have to wait another day or two.
4. A second walks in and tells me he has no idea I'm supposed to be leaving.
5. First meltdown ensues.
6. Apparently, lunch has been ordered for me.  The meal was obviously larger than the average person's food intake for an entire day.  Super.
7. Hello, second meltdown. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be eating this crap-- I mean food.
8. I meet with the on staff nutritionist (who is quite the gem let me tell you) because I am staying at CHOP another night.
9. Bring on the third meltdown.

I'm laying in this sterile bed with stiff sheets and way too soft of pillows thinking to myself, "How am I supposed to "do good" after good after good without reinforcement?"  This is why I'm so frustrated.  Once I'm frustrated, I relapse back to negative thoughts, habits, and decisions to feel some kind of comfort that not's being provided for me otherwise.  I'm waiting for some kind of pay off.  I'll take anything.  No one gets it.  No one will ever understand.... or am I just completely irrational and insane?

Apparently, I will be transported by ambulance to Princeton Hospital at 9:00am tomorrow.  I'm not holding my breath.

Breathe, Rebecca.  You're alive.  You survived another day in hell.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I've come to realize that my journey down this road will be long.  There will be a few ups and plenty of downs as well as rocks and obstacles along the way.  Nonetheless, I have to keep my eye on the prize-- the Emerald City.

To all my family and friends, I can't thank you enough for your continued support, patience, and loyalty.  You are my strength and what keeps me going.  Thank you.  Also, I could not have survived the past 9 days without my one-on-ones (aka my babysitters) and nurses.  Remind me to stay in touch with them.

Oh, and purple is my color.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so impressed with your intensity and honesty in these posts. And you're right, only you can save you.