Thanks For Visiting

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Doctor, doctor give me the news

Insurance companies. They really know how to stress a person out. Last week I was told, once again, that my insurance company wanted to give me the boot. As I waited in agony for the results of the doctor's fight with the company, I became infatuated with the idea of sleeping in the comfort of my own bed at home. Finally, I'd be released from the prisons (hospitals) and able to flush my own toilet. Or, so I fantasized. While I anxiously waited to hear the news, side effects of a new medication hurt my disposition even further. I felt neither depressed nor excited, it was more of a 'numbed out' feeling. Where did I go? I felt lost, hollow and empty as I internally searched for some emotion. Even more, I was frustrated because this weekend was supposed to be a test. A challenge. I needed to push myself the furtherest I've had to thus far so I could prove to myself that I was indeed making progress.
Finally, the doctor called me into her office. "Good news", she exclaimed ecstatically. "We got you another week". I froze. The numbness I once felt transformed into an intense state of shock and disappointment as I felt my stomach drop to the floor. I was stuck as an inpatient for yet another weekend leading into another week. The news created even more pressure for me to do well out on pass. I want-- no, I  need to be moved to partial. I need to flush my own toilet.

Yesterday went better than expected. I made a legitimate attempt to meet my meal exchanges on pass while I caught up with friends, who by chance were home for the weekend. (Thanks again for everything Sara and Ben!) Although awkward at first, my time with them was relaxed and comfortable as I slowly found myself slipping back into the 'old Rebecca'--what a comfortable state to be in. And while I was self-conscious and comparative with others, I remained optimistic the majority of the day. However, the hollowness and "emotionlessness' (yes, I made up a word) drove me mad. It is for this plateaued level of emotions I am so hesitant about medications, even if prescribed by the top psychiatrists in a particular field. I don't want to feel fake, or numbed out. Those emotions aren't genuine, are not me. I'd rather feel stressed and anxious, yet myself rather than hollow and empty, like some tree. Like the song goes, "no pill's gonna cure my ill". Oh, and let's not forget the adverse side effects I have been experiencing.

Either way, I was looking forward to today. My plans were to go home and watch the Giants kick the Redskins butt with my family and grandparents. Key word: were. 
My pass today was weight contingent, which means I had to maintain the same weight as yesterday in order to ditch this joint. Well, that was a fail. So, I'll try to remain optimistic and make the best of today in hopes that I'll be discharged to the partial program sometime this week. I've made it this far, what's one more weekend? (My therapists tell me that's a healthy way of thinking)
Doctors, doctors, please give me some good news...

No comments:

Post a Comment