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Thursday, September 10, 2009

"Feelings"

1. I'm trying to get caught up on my mail. I know I've been slacking, but it's nearly impossible to find a quiet, private moment.
2. Brittni, come back.

Goal: Explore the unknown through my emotions.
It's human nature to turn to behaviors to make us feel better. We all do it, it's just a matter of how. Some take out their frustration or anger by exercising, some cope with music, and many take their feelings out on food. Those with eating disorders, well, take their emotions out on themselves. While on pass, I was ecstatic. I found such happiness in the misery of the disorder, without an inkling of guilt. But why? Why do I enjoy making myself miserable? And why is it so difficult for me to distract myself from my illogical thoughts? Because many times I don't want to. I want to dwell on my thoughts, therefore I am more miserable here because of the absence of control. For example, after my therapist left, I was livid. I paced back and forth as a rush of adrenaline rapidly increased- as did my anger. So, to cope, I took my feelings out on myself, through ED. I have distinguished how overpowering the disorder is as I'm entangled in it and don't want to stop. I know what I'm doing and I know that I shouldn't use the disorder, yet I'm powerless. Yet though I'm powerless, I don't give up. I get even. I'm that stubborn and rigid that I turn to revenge. I mean, I am still trapped in the EDU, right? As ridiculous as it my sounds, being here is my revenge. I am compliant with the rules and respectful to authority. In my mind, if I lash out or break the rules, they (the nurses and doctors) win, because I believe I still hold that minuscule amount of control. In terms of anger and frustration, every time I fall off the horse, another piece of motivation falls off. I can't embrace my feelings as I search for that sense of reinforcement and reward. In my mind, I'm a failure therefore I turn to the disorder to find that comfort and control. So, what are healthy alternatives to cope? I could ask questions and open up to authority. I can say my piece, and let it out- all while remaining compliant and respectful. I must examine my emotions through a deep understanding of my thoughts- both conscious and unconscious. Yesterday was a better day, overall. I have a new therapist and am deeplly exploring my feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Talk about intense. I think I'll walk this one off.

P.S. Brittni is back this morning. All will be OK.. for the moment. And thanks for the following quote:
"I thought for a moment, unsure. I had come to realize that I didn't have any feelings towards the trail that weren't confused and contradictory. i was weary of the trail, but still strangely in its thrall; found the endless slog tedious but irresistible; grew tired of the boundless woods but admired their boundlessness; enjoyed the escape from civilization and ached for its comforts. I wanted to quit and to do this forever, sleep in a bed and in a tent, see what was over the next hill and never see a hill again. all of this all at once, every moment, on the trail and off". 

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