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Sunday, September 20, 2009

A new week, a new year

I need to step up my blogging skills. Big time. I've been following several other blogs, and they are beyond brilliant. Hmm..

Anyways.

You know when you host a party and there's always that one person who overstays their welcome? You know, you try and give hints that suggest that the party ended an hour ago and you're trying to go to sleep yet they seem to have endless stories and horrible jokes? Ed was that person this weekend. Ed did not allow me to pray in peace. Ed did not allow me to enjoy a traditional Jewish meal with my family. Ed did not allow me to enjoy the fresh air in adorable autumn dresses. Ed did not allow me to laugh. But most importantly, Ed did not allow me to sing. My mom said it best when she explained to Carly, "You know Rebecca is in a bad mood when she's not singing" (Side note: it's so true). The negative thoughts would not subside this weekend as I tried to enjoy the holiday, meet my exchanges and rediscover my faith through prayer. They constantly haunt as they drown out everything else going on around me. The thoughts, though, are not nearly as self-afflicting as the absence of guilt I believe I should feel for not wanting to keep Ed away. I keep going back to this notion of 'wanting to want to get better', and it is so true. To be honest, a lot of the time I don't want to get better--though I always want to want to get better... But I guess that's Ed speaking for me, right? I'm just so conflicted and can't wait for tomorrow morning, when I'll be safe at Princeton with the girls. Key word: safe. The EDU has become my shelter from the storm. Not only do I receive the most incredible support from the girls and staff, but the pressure and control is taken away from me--which is weird considering I hold onto the disorder largely in part because of power and control over myself. But they decide when, what (well, to an extent) and how much I eat. They keep me preoccupied from 8am-6pm; Therefore, they keep me safe.

Another side note: I realize I'm avoiding a lot of 'life' recently, including my friends and all I can say is: bare with me. I know you all mean well and want the best for me when you make comments such as, "you look great", "you're doing so well/making great progress" or "take good care of yourself". Though physically I may be better, mentally I only feel worse--especially because I have no control over how I look. Though one may assume those as words of encouragement, they only act as triggering statements which are detrimental to recovery at this point. So while I have put a lot (if not everything) on hold, I have to put myself first--for once. I'm learning not to worry so much about taking care of, pleasing and portraying a happy and healthy me for others. I'm learning a lot.

For now, I only need these negative thoughts to leave me alone so I can watch the end of the Giants game with my family in peace on this beautiful Sunday night. Ed, you overstayed your welcome--time to hit the road.

A view on Buddhism: "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go"

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