...seriously though, I feel fantastic at this moment as I lay in bed watching Top Chef in HD. Yes, I'm livin the dream once again (quasi). I have been discharged as an inpatient and will begin as an outpatient tomorrow (aka I do what I've been doing for the past month minus the 6am wake-up call for vitals).
The past few days have been mostly hectic, and a blur as I struggle with my thoughts. What keeps us going? What is it that makes us want to get back on the horse after we fall off? Is it hope? For instance, I had thoughts related to the eating disorder both Saturday and Sunday, however I recognized them more on Sunday, when I was confined to the EDU because I wasn't able to act upon them. The fact that I can't act on thoughts forces me to get back on that saddle. I have no other choice...or maybe I'm naiive and refuse to give myself credit. I am extremely self-critical. But every time I fall off again my frustration intensifies just a little bit and I relapse back to my negative thoughts and habits. But those 'bits' add up.. to a big bit. So, how do I break the vicious cycle? I've figured out the answers to most of the uncertainties about the formation and progression of my disorder. I know what the disorder is and what it does for me, when and where it began, who contributed and I am working on why. Nonetheless, there is one crucial element missing: the how. I work so hard in therapy and treatment, complying to the rules and structure of the program and participating in therapy and group sessions. Yet I am terribly frustrated, I'm stuck. How do I succeed? How do I work through my challenges and reach the yellow brick road that's been calling my name, though the call has been more faint, recently. It is the unexplored territory, the "aha" moment I am desperately and anxiously working towards. But like I said, maybe I try so hard that I don't allow myself to recognize and recollect on my progress and successes thus far. I have to put more trust into the program, they aren't nationally recognized as one of the best for eating disorders for nothing, right? If only there was a way to take the brain out and rewire it.
Tonight I will sleep in my own bed for the first time in five AND a half weeks. Then I will wake and return to the EDU for breakfast at 8am and end with dinner at 6pm. I hope this transition allows me to distinguish where I was and where I am now.
Maybe it's not just hope that keeps us in the race. Maybe it also takes just a little bit of faith.
"As doctors, we're trained to give our patients just the facts. But what our patients really want to know is- will the pain go away? Will I feel better? Am I cured? What our patients really want to know is- is there hope? But, inevitably, there are times when you find yourself in the worst case scenario. When the patient's body has betrayed them and all the science we have to offer has failed them. When the worst case scenario comes true, and clinging to hope is all we've got left". -Grey's Anatomy