Last week was the most difficult, thus far. I struggled nutritionally, physically, mentally and of course-- emotionally. My therapist announced she has to take an unexpected leave of absence... for a month. I won't (better not) be here in another month! Naturally, I freaked out. I don't handle change very well. What's more, I finally established rapport with a therapist. She and I worked so well together as we explored into the depths of my mind and past. Oh, and the therapeutic alliance is THE most important treatment factor to success. Nonetheless, I survived week 4 of the recovery process. Barely.
Goal for the weekend: Have successful passes.
Well, I tried...to an extent. This weekend was interesting, to say the least. I was given the opportunity to be a quasi-real person on both Saturday and Sunday. I failed. Scratch that. I "didn't do as well as I wanted to." Saturday, my mom, sister, and I went to Whole Foods, aka the greatest place on earth. It is remarkable how quickly I relapsed into old habits without feeling guilty. Then, we spent a therapeutic day shopping in Princeton before I had to return to the EDU for dinner. Sunday, was a big test. I went home. I found myself at Tyler State Park. I spent time in a state of self-reflection (bare with me on the following analogies). In my journal, I wrote the following:
"I'm alone in nature without knowledge of which way to go. There are many different paths, but how do I know which one to take? I could turn left and continue down the smooth path along the beautiful stream, or I could pursue the rocky, uphill, 'greener' route. I hate making decisions--No, I'm tired of making decisions. Rebecca, calm down this is not a life or death situation. Besides, what do I have to lose? What's the worst that will happen? I get stuck, lost or scared so I turn around. But then I realize something. I'm not alone. I hear the leaves rustling, birds chirping and my feet against the dirt. They keep me company while I carefully make my way along the path."
I would not have survived this past month without the support of my family and friends. I received the most incredible package from Pittsburgh. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such remarkable friends, but they really know how to get the waterworks flowing. I was a tearful mess as I opened each card and package so slowly and meticulously. I was, and still am, speechless (and I'm not one to be short on words). All I can think to say is thank you, thank you, thank you. The generosity has such a profound impact on the recovery path I must take to overcome ED and return to
What's more, I must offer a special thank you to the girls that participated in Tollhouse Monday (will explain tomorrow) and the girls who supported us. The experience was memorable and incredibly meaningful. However, there is one person I must mention whom I have developed such a close bond with here in such a short amount of time. I honestly can't fathom going through this experience without her by my side. She is my rock and motivation each and every day. Thank you, Brittni. You're a rock star and I am eternally grateful for everything you have done for and with me.
Finally, I have to thank my family. You supported me despite any poor decisions I made this past weekend.
When I returned to the EDU Sunday night, I reflected (once again) on the weekend. I was brutally honest, realistic, and mindful of the experiences and derived several conclusions… which I will wait to share because a new episode of Rachel Zoe comes on in 20 minutes...
And yes, I took the dirtier, steeper, and riskier path.