Guess what? Today, I was mindful for the first time in my entire life. Although, I think weather was a major factor (I can't give myself all the credit). When I am able to experience the outdoors I feel a sense of freedom, as if handcuffs suddenly slip off my wrists. Yes, for the first time I was able to be mindful and focus on the exact moment I was in, which, in turn lifted the weight of ED.
I had an epiphany, or a moment of spirituality. I felt calm, relaxed, and content. The switch on the blender that was stirring all my thoughts turned off. I thought about the things I love in a general, broad sense. For example, I thought of determination and associated it with my desire to work through even the most difficult of challenges in life, not just the eating disorder. With that said, I want a spiritual teacher. If Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, can have one, why can't I? My eyes have been glued to that book (thank you, Brittni!). The words are captivating and Gilbert's text offers the spiritual insight I have been searching for. At least so far... I'm only on page 32.
While on my voyage of self discovery at the EDU, I've discovered something (shocker). I can't bring God and ED together. They seem to be separated by some magnificent force because one saves me and the other kills me. How do I left God back into my life while I try to relinquish ED? Then again, how do I incorporate any positive, healthy aspect of my life while diminishing the negative, harmful strength of ED (Notice I said diminish rather than abolish-- it's all about balance). Gilbert's spiritual teacher, Ketut Liyer mentioned something that feels relevant to my current rant. He said, "To find the balance you want, this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."
Brilliant, right? I forgot I had a heart. I have been so focused on the thoughts racing through my mind that I've forgotten how to listen to my heart. It's my heart that holds my passions and love for life--and for God. Balance.
P.S. I'm working on a new playlist and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
P.P.S. I found out who sent the orchid. I can't thank you enough, Heidi!
"Tell me, what do you love?"