I feel my heart beating quickly, my mind racing with illogical thoughts, and I feel it in the pit of stomach. It's interesting how those physiological senses are perceived by the mind differently in various contexts and situations. For example, I can feel those sensations and be happy or excited, nervous, or worried. So, what determines a label? External forces. Let's presume you're about to give a speech. You likely feel butterflies in your stomach and your heart pounding. Therefore, you label those sensations as nerves or anxiety. However, can't those physiological senses also mean you're happy or excited? Why do you attribute the sensations to nervousness? Maybe because others ask you, "Are you nervous? How are you feeling?" External forces basically give you the label for the internal feelings.
Yesterday, my anxiety led to a panic attack, followed by a meltdown. Consequently, the meltdown led to a full, dramatic display of vulnerability (which is my weakness if you recall). For some reason I've taken on the role, or label, as the "fixer" or "healer." I try to fix or heal others in order to hide my own problems and emotions. But not yesterday. I let it all out. Yes, I let all four weeks out in group therapy. Oh, the power of psychotherapy. Remarkably, I felt much more comfortable by the end of the session. Note to self: I am not an invincible hero. It's OK to let it out sometimes.
Back to weekend planning... I'm nervous, scared, guilty, and excited. I love a good challenge. This weekend, I'm allowed to leave the EDU and experience what it's like to be in the real world again. I am allowed to go where I want with whoever I want to test the progress I've made since entering treatment. I am freaking out but excited to finally feel like a "real person" again. I feel guilty because if I don't do well, it's going to cost us (literally). Insurance companies are evil, by the way. I digress...
I hope today goes well. So far, all the girls and guys appear to be feeling more positive than the past several days. All hell broke lose in the EDU on Wednesday. I'm not sure what was in the water we drank, but the domino effect was in full swing. When one patient is troubled or upset it seems that another will soon feel down, and the next thing you know everyone is angry and upset. It's intense. But I really do love them all.
Well, I'm off to complete my weekend menu plan. Joy.
"Wanting to be someone you're not is a waste of the person you are." -- Kurt Cobain
(Thanks, Aunt Michelle)