This Rosh Hashana was also my first weekend home since August 8th. I not only had to reconnect with God but I had to (try to) successfully consume ---- calories.. AND I had to do it in front of 21 other relatives. Talk about pressure to get things done. Rosh Hashana is a time to put the problems of last year to rest, as the Jewish calender begins a new year. We ask God to forgive us for our mistakes and for those we may have hurt, including ourselves.
My path back to faith is complicated. As I have said before, my mind can't connect Judaism with the eating disorder because one saves me, and one kills me. As I (subconsciously) disassociated myself from Jewish world, I had begun to lose faith in my faith. My battle with the eating disorder clouded my views of my most important lifeline. So, this Rosh Hashana I hoped to rekindle a long-lost friendship with prayer. I couldn't wait to reconnect with God, it would be like wrapping myself back in my security blanket. However, the moment I stepped foot into the sanctuary, I realized I was in for imminent failure. I was distracted, I couldn't focus on the Rabbi's sermon, let alone the holiest words that lay before me. I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm waving the white flag in front of ED. The disorder is winning. You know the necklace the old lady in the Titanic tosses over the ship's edge? That necklace is my motivation. It's sinking...quickly. If God can't save me, who or what will? At least I'm holding onto my spirituality, by a thread. Which reminds me: I'm now a JewBu, mind and heart. Spiritually, I follow many of the concepts of Buddhism. I'm fascinated and healed by mindfulness, peace, prayer and yoga (of course).. But my mind and body belong to Judaism. I believe in God and I believe everything happens for a reason and that He has a plan for everyone. Therefore, I will take on and overcome every obstacle with the little faith left inside of me, keeping God in the back of my mind. Though I may not have restored my connection with Judaism this time, I am certain I will and my motivation will float up to the ocean's surface.
Each day is a new beginning. Tomorrow begins not only a new week, but a new year.
Shana Tova 'Metuka! שנה טובה ומתוקה