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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Back to Focusing on the Process

I just finished reading "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher. Her story taught me a lot and has rekindled some of my inspiration and motivation towards recovery. I know there are ups and downs each and every day (and no, not just struggles with ED), however there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and we are ALL worth it. So, I just wanted to share one of her passages with you, in hopes you feel inspired.

"There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way."- Marya Hornbacher 

In six days I will (potentially) be discharged from Princeton's EDU. Wow--breathe in, breathe out. I can not believe how far I've come over the past two months, it's been a long and difficult journey, yet they tell me it's for the better. Physically, I am much healthier, there's no doubt about it. I don't look skeletal and pale as a ghost anymore, I look alive--I look like a real human being. Mentally, however, I'm struggling as my rational thoughts continue to conflict with ED's. There are moments I feel fearless and motivated and others in which I view recovery as a hopeless, long lost cause with thoughts of wanting, and needing, Ed. This past weekend, I realized for the very first time that recovery is a process, as opposed to an outcome (yeah, it JUST clicked) and that I'm in this for the long haul. Breathe in, breathe out. I suppose part of me thought that I'd be free as a bird once discharged from program; however, after two nutrition and psychology appointments with the potential outpatient team, I've realized I have a hell of a lot more ahead of me. The control isn't just handed back over, it still rests in a treatment team's hands. Therefore, I need to let go. It's like tug of war with the treatment team at one end, and me on the other. They are pulling me towards recovery, while I am on the other side pulling and trying to hold on to some part of ED. the more I tug, the weaker I get until I give in and let the ropes fall in their hands. I guess I have to figure out how to be me without ED--I must accept who I am and learn to appreciate it, because like Hornbacher said, "you are all that you have".

1 comment:

  1. hi, i found your blog through amy's & i am so glad i did!
    i wish you the best of luck, and i am here to help when ever you may need. i often forget that recovery is a process, its important to remember. & i think i am going to read wasted now, i want to read everything that goes with that beautiful quote.
    keep your head up & smiling :)