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Thursday, October 22, 2009

Clipped.

Well, today was the big day. I was discharged from Princeton Medical Center's Eating Disorder program. Thoughts? Feelings? Glad you asked. I went through a whirlwind of emotions today as I said goodbye to peers and staff who have forever changed my life. If it weren't for my team and the community, I would not be alive right now. So, I know I've said it a plethora of times, but thank you-- from the bottom of my heart. I have learned something from each and every individual who has gone through or worked for the EDU during my extended (perhaps overly extended) stay. The EDU has served as my security blanket, a place of comfort, warmth and structure. Now I'm faced with the fear of the unknown, which really irritates Ed and triggers urges and behaviors. But of course there's also the other part of me that couldn't wait to get out of there-- couldn't wait for freedom. The ironic aspect of it all is that I don't feel free. No, I feel like a bird with clipped wings. I've been let out of the cage, though I'm held down by my outpatient team. I don't get to go back to old rituals, habits and behaviors because I'm in the hands of a new psychologist, psychiatrist and nutritionist. My insides are about to explode as I internally scream, when will it ever end? I'm slowly learning that it won't for a very long time, which appropriately frustrates me because I want so much to fly. I want to be independent, chase my dreams, travel the world, help others and improve the lives of kids with disabilities. But I guess all my passions will come when I'm healthy. I can't "have my cake and eat it too". So, for the time-being, my wings are clipped and I must incorporate some productivity in my life for the remainder of the semester. The following are at the top of my list:

  • Part-time job (potentially at a new North Face store on Walnut St in Philly)
  • Volunteer at an elementary school with kids with special needs
  • Shadow an occupational therapist
  • Continue my journey down the yellow, and slightly bumpy, brick road
I still need time to process my journey thus far. It was suggested that I look back to my earlier posts as a way to track the progress I've made. Then perhaps I'll be able to end this chapter of my journey and begin a new.


"But how do you wait for heaven? And who has that much time? And how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know, you were born, you were born to fly?"- Sara Evans

4 comments:

  1. This post really makes me able to understand your feelings today. I love the analogy of the bird with clipped wings. It is so true, but yet wings grow; as will you, as you leave ED behind to soar to new heights. And as always, your family and friends will continue to be the "wind beneath your wings". Love you, Mom

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  2. I love that you can relay your feelings and thoughts like this, even if it's scary. You are definitely an inspiration to me there :) You've come so far and I know you're just going to continue to climb!

    I also love that you used Sara Evans .... reason # 498572308 why we're LLT

    love!

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  3. Becs, I'm so proud of you - especially for your ability to both learn from your past and look ahead to a productive, amazing future.

    Roomie north face discount?? :-)

    Love,Car

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  4. Mom: thanks, love you-- wouldn't have made it this far without you
    Carolyn: your progress and amazing ability to love life has inspired me. oh and sara evans? not even a question
    Carly: absolutely. take me to long island with you?

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