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Friday, October 30, 2009

Eat, drink and be scary.

First week hospital-free and I feel (insert appropriate adjective). To say I struggled as I tried to adjust would be a complete understatement. This is about how I have felt all week:


So, I took that recommendation to heart and met Jenn and Brittni for manicures followed by a therapeutic visit to Twist. Note to self: buy a cute helmet.

I had an extremely enlightening therapy session the other day. For the first time she urged me to view ED as something positive. Yes, you read correctly. I know by now that ED serves some ridiculously strong purpose for me or else I would be able to let it go. I've also realized I can not connect ED with spirituality because the notion of self-hatred and self-destruction embarrasses me as I feel shameful and disobedient against God. I was convinced of this until yesterday. What purpose does ED serve? A place of comfort. It's my place of refuge when I want to shut out the rest of the world and hide my feelings. In simpler terms, ED is the easy way out-- it's my sanctuary. Wait, so self-destruction and misery is my place of peace and serenity. This concept was very difficult for me to grasp at first, until I thought it through.ED and spirituality aren't separate entities. Rather, they are on a spectrum, which may look like this:
Rather than attempting to eliminate ED, I need to shift my focus and obsession more towards spirituality. Overall, I was right-- I can not have both ED and spirituality, now I just know why.
My therapist also warned me that I have 8 weeks to form a plan and get my act together if I want to go back to school in the spring. I don't even know where to start...

This weekend I am driving up to Muhlenberg to celebrate Jamie's 21st birthday. I can not express how excited I am to live vicariously through someone else's obliteration at the bars. And her gifts are awesome (if I may say so myself). My goal for this weekend is to shift my focus from ED onto Jamie. I want this weekend to be entirely about her, ED better not sneak into my suitcase this time around.

Have a spookaticular weekend and Happy Halloween!

"It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow." - Ralph Ellison


  1. iv realised that my ED serves as a saftey zone too... its ironic really considering how dangerous and destructive they actually are.

    dont get yourself too overwelmed at the thought of getting ready to go back to school. im in a similar position where i need to prepare myself for uni in a few months, and i think the best thing to do is to set yourself goals but take each day at a time.

    have a wonderful (ED-free) weekend my love!
    xo hannah

  2. Very interesting veiw on ED and spirituality..

    .."need to shift my focus and obsession more towards spirituality.."
    so true.

    and I love the Ralph Ellison quote:)

  3. HELLOoO and happy halloween!

    Glad you got to visit Twist--I've never been! Looks amazing though. Have fun at Muhlenberg, enjoy the celebration, and be free! Or at least, try to :D

    Real Spirituality is quite the opposite to an eating disorder, you're right. I'm not religious, but yoga + buddhism are great examples of vehicles that oppose the ed mindset.

  4. Rebecca!First, Hi! Second, interesting! Since I got home I also realized what a purpose ED has for me.I guess that's why it's so tough to give up. Yep. It's a comfort zone. It blocks out everything you want it to. Actually, it blocks out EVERYTHING, whether you want it to or not. And yes, I agree, that it's all about focus. Easy on paper.....

  5. i totally understand Ed as a comfort zone, Ed holds a place in me where i can ignore the world around me, its now time to turn that into a place that does not destruct me at the same time.
    hope you had a lovely halloween :) congratulations on the breakthrough/realization, switching up focuses is good