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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Out of the Closet

I hear coffee dripping into the pot, Carolyn typing away
I smell the staleness of yesterday's baked cookies
I taste the refreshing and light greek yogurt with the mix of cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter (it's the best) hit every taste bud with great appreciation
I feel the carpet beneath my toes and back against the wool blanket
I see my best friends 'hard at work' as they are immersed in GRE prep & flash cards for a class

I haven't felt this comfortable and calm in quite some time. I'm finally home. Last night I realized how incomplete I feel without my best friends, own apartment and noisy, stiff bed. I believe the quote of the night that summed it all up was:
Me: Guys where's my camera? I lost it
Amanda: She's baaaaaack and nothing's changed!

Only they can accurately identify and accept all of my ridiculous and clumsy, silly and sometimes slightly ditzy personality. I'm home. I reconnected with friends, made up for lost times and smiled. I smiled the entire night. However, of course there's another side to the perceived picture perfect night. Mentally, I found myself resorting to ED thoughts, habits and behaviors. I had hoped ED would stay home and let me enjoy a three day getaway. But no, Ed slipped into my suitcase when I wasn't looking and made a grand appearance at dinner... and throughout the evening as I contemplated every decision. Despite Ed, I realized why I feel so relaxed and comfortable around those I haven't seen in months. It's because I feel as though I have come out of the closet. I have finally accepted, without denial, that I have an eating disorder. And I'm ok with it--well, to an extent. It's like I've been hiding Ed from those whom I love and respect, which only caused me to obsess and relevate in Ed even more--while shutting those out of my life, and hiding deeper in the depths of the closet. I'm free now, and happy. Yes, in this moment I am happy. And you make me happy.

"When we learn to deal directly with our complaints and difficulties, romanticized ideas about the spiritual path are no longer meaningful. We see that what is important is to take responsibility for ourselves, and to always be aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions." - Tarthang Tulku


  1. ahh i completely understand how you feel, comfort feels so good. and it feels good to put ed out in the open and lean on others to help you destroy him, the more they know and you let them in the more ed will shrink.
    hope you have a good weekend :)

  2. I'm so thrilled you had a fabulous, comforting, relaxed weekend with your best friends at school. I see that it wasn't without some kind of ed-struggle, but there's no such thing as life without some kind of challenge or disruption during seemingly perfect moments. But I know you must have felt free--and that's beautiful!