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Friday, October 23, 2009

Part Duex: In Purple

Part One was 'From Here'. It depicted my time spent in the hospital. Part Two is this phase of post hospitalization and preparation for my return to Pittsburgh, 'In Purple'. I'll keep the symbolism of the color purple as I continue recovery more independently. And then, part three, 'To There' will portray my transition back to my life.

This morning I woke up with a sense of freedom and a smile. Yes, I actually woke up with a smile, ready to embrace the day ahead. I made myself a nutritious breakfast which included Fiber 1 Clusters with soy milk, a blueberry waffle with peanut butter and coffee. I enjoyed and finished breakfast, now what? I thought about Pitt. This weekend is homecoming and I won't be there. I won't get to vote for my friends for king and queen, I won't attend the tailgates and celebrations and I won't cheer on my team draped in blue and gold. Instead I'm in Yardley, alone. I read what I wrote in my journal the other night and cried. How could I  have such hatred towards myself? What did I do to deserve it? I beat myself up. I'm my own worst enemy. I hate the way I look, feel, think and act. The body I worked so hard to perfect is gone. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and wish to crawl out of it. My negative, overwhelming and over-exaggerative thoughts lead to guilt and pain. All which lead to temptations and urges. I need to escape myself, I needed to run. I needed to put myself out of my ridiculous misery. So I ran, and ran until I thought my mom would get worried and call the police. I came back, still with negative energy. The next action on my agenda was to take a hot, steamy shower. I thought I could wash my thoughts and feelings away with scorching hot water and soap. When that failed, I was left alone in my room.
So now, I'm faced with two choices. I can dwell on my loneliness and wish I was in Pittsburgh. Or I can stand up, shake it off and face the day. Am I scared? Yes, terrified. Scared I'll always feel alone despite my amazing friends and family, I'm scared of my thoughts and I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of tomorrow. And the next day. Yes, I could lay in bed all day, taunting and terrorizing myself--but I won't. I'll make the best of today because today is all I have control over. I am all I have. I have to learn to take care of myself, for if I don't, I'll end up in a hospital bed again. And do I really want to live my life in and out of hospitals? Even if I have to fake a smile, I'll do it. I'll fake it until I make it.

"What we seek we shall find; what we flee from flees from us"- Ralph Waldo Emerson

1 comment:

  1. you are so beautifully insightful, i wish you the best of luck, i am positive that your strength will carry you through.
    i am a huge supporter of fake it till you make it, you can do it :)
    if there is anything i can do, i'm here, just let me know