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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Peace N Supermarkets

Judging last night's post comprised of song lyrics, it is reasonable to assume I had a distressing day. I notice that whenever I am most caught up in my head and miserable, I tend to lack the right words to express-- hence the song lyrics. By the way, it is a beautiful song, I suggest looking it up. I enjoy it most because Rob Thomas turns an expression that is notably recognized as negative into something beautiful, such as diamonds. When I first heard it I was reminded it is okay to cry. In fact, I believe a good cry is the healthiest and most beneficial remedy for relieving troubles, especially if words just won't appear. I always feel rejuvenated and free. So, the next time you feel overwhelmed or find yourself saying, "I feel like I'm going to cry", do it. Let it all out. In fact, feel free to call me and just let the waterworks do their thing (I promise I'll listen).

Is it not ironic that I loathe myself for loathing myself? I cause myself such so much pain and misery but have to yet to figure out why. When I look at myself from an external perspective, I often wonder why I think and feel the way I do, because it seems ridiculous. I have the greatest friends and family anyone could ask for and I've been fortunate enough to live very comfortably. From the outside, I want to smack myself in the head and scream, "What the hell is wrong with you?!!" I know I don't have it bad, I know I'm not the least intellectually inclined student on the face of the earth, but I can't internalize it-- Again, the notion that I'm a special exception arises. I'm so frustrated with myself that I find it hard to express my feelings through words. Perhaps my search for contentment and inner peace will be for eternity. But hey, life is a journey, not a destination, right? Bring it on, life. Bring. It. On.

Today was a mediocre Tuesday, glorified by a shopping spree at Trader Joe's. Incase you don't know me very well, I am intrigued by supermarkets-- of all kinds. Especially supermarkets filled wall to wall with organic, local and whole foods. Whole Foods Market is my mecca and I find peace and serenity at Trader Joe's. I've been told this is common among those with eating disorders. Similarly, watching the Food Network seems to be another dominating interest. They (eating disorder specialists) claim it's because we (eating disordered persons) have an obsession with food. We abuse food as a medicine and think about as an art and in terms of calories, ingredients and fat content-- whether we eat it or not. Many of us love to cook and bake, though we won't consume our masterpieces. Food is an art, in retrospect transformed into an obsessive, love-to-hate relationship. At this point in recovery, I must face my anxieties over food head on, so I go into supermarkets, browse and purchase while minimizing the scrutinized ritual over labels and nutrition facts. Today, I left Trader Joe's feeling at peace. Here's a look at some goodies I purchased:

(Just the essentials)

Though I do find peace in shopping for and preparing creative and various meals, I tend to take it too far as an obsession. Therefore, I've made the conscious decision not to post pictures and descriptions of all my meals. I don't believe it is beneficial to my recovery at this time. I am a perfectionist and for my own sake and sanity, I can not put more energy than what already exists towards food. This is not to say I'm triggered by others blogs about food and nutrition, I've just realized I'm not at that stage yet.
Anyways, my goal for tomorrow is to try and recognize one positive experience. Whether it be the serenity I find with my morning tea or a fantastic job offer, I must realize the small wonders throughout the day that put my so-called miserable life into a better perspective. Maybe, then I can find peace outside of supermarkets. Today, I received an e-mail that created a smile from ear to ear and a stomach filled with those crazy butterflies that make you feel funny. Thank you, for that e-mail.

WAIT, THIS JUST IN: I will be going into Philly on Thursday for a job interview AND I'm going to be shadowing an occupational therapist alongside volunteering at an elementary school several days a week.

What a way to end the day. In peace. And in purple.

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."


  1. so sorry to hear yesterday was stressful :( but tears and music are good.
    awesome trader joes loot! i totally know what you mean about supermarkets, i feel the same way about them (ha and i lovee food network too...)
    i completely support not posting your eats. this is your space and you need to use it your way :)
    CONGRATULATIONS on the interview!! eee i'm sending you tons of positive thoughts :)

  2. i love your goal for tomorrow! finding the beauty in every day life is such an uplifting experience :)
    and good luck with the interview! got my fingers crossed for you
    hannah xo

  3. Hey Rebecca! Thank you for such a sweet comment. I am enjoying reading your blog so much! I really like your writing style too. TJ's Tart Froyo is out of this world!! I am going to TJs tomorrow and they better have some in stock :)