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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Cause you're hot then your cold, you're yes then you're no

First, as promised, a recap of Sunday's grocery shopping adventure!

Trader Joe's,TWIST, and Whole Foods: All a girl really needs 
Note: Almond butter and TJ's blueberry bran muffins!

Dinner tonight was a Mexican Lettuce Wrap: meatless crumbles cooked with salsa (and hot sauce, duh) on the stove-top, multigrain pilaf  & crumbled blue corn chips alongside a pear & cranberry salad

In the words of Borat, 'Great success!'

Moving right along..
I, among many, many individuals with eating disorders, train my mind to think dichotomously. The black and white mindset associates with the need for perfectionism-- and for me, the constant need for productivity. I am restless, I try to occupy myself with various hobbies, errands and chores to help the time pass, but the days just seem endless. In fact, my favorite time of day is the moment my head makes contact with the pillow. Because it's at that rare time that I don't have to do anything. It's 'me time'-- time to just be. Lately I've been feeling indispensably anxious, as I desperately seek satisfaction through exercise, reading, running errands and whatever else my imagination stirs up. I can't sit still. I can't 'just be'. Why?
It's human nature to worry. Our minds wander and anticipate, 'what will happen?' Some though, such as those who think dichotomously and whom strive for perfection, take it to an extreme. For example, I've damaged every relationship I've been in because I constantly searched for something--anything-- to be wrong. The moment I'm content, the anxiety resurfaces. I need to work on 'just being'. Today I partook in a mindfulness exercise during which I noticed my thoughts, quite literally, coming and going, similarly to a wave. The wave approaches and crashes against the shore before it is swept back into the sea. The exercise taught a crucial lesson. Though thoughts come, they will also go. The key is to let it happen-- to just be. So, rather than stress about productivity, I should  will take this opportunity to enjoy the rare down time I have been gifted. I will try to just be. I challenge you to give it a try. Can you sit by yourself in a quiet room for 5 minutes? Take note of thoughts as they ride onto shore and wash away. My goal is to recognize and distinguish racing thoughts from my mind's perception of thoughts. Then, perhaps I'll be able to 'just be'. As the Beatles so eloquently sang, "And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be." 

As another side note, please don't take your relationships for granted. You never know what you have until it's gone.

P.S. I'm very curious as to who actually reads my silly, little blog. If you do (and even if you don't, yourself, keep a blog), would you please care to comment or e-mail me? I won't bite :) I just find such incredible inspiration and motivation from the rest of the blog community, and I want to make sure I thank each and every one of you-- Blogging has been my saving grace, especially since my departure from Princeton's EDU.

Have a wonderful evening.


  1. Hey - I found your blog through Amy's. I think it's great that you are so open about your journey.

  2. *Raises hand* I read!

    Love this post...I absolutely relate. It's all about "do do do" and not enough of the "be". My yoga teacher constantly tells us this. More being, less doing.

    Love that Trader Joe's spicy hummus ;) SO good!

  3. I can relate to this so much. I need to do some of the silliest things RIGHT and it's not an assignment or test for school, school has no interest for me, I fail well I fail - not the end of the world.
    But things like picking the right font on a stickie or moisturising or making sure everything is the way I need it to be,
    could be done without, no?

  4. well, i read your blog, obviously :) haha love it & you!
    so i'm loving wasted, its raw and very real, i find her very insightful, i find myself feeling her pains and hoping for her. and i always want to keep reading :)
    oh my goodness when i am home i am the queen of errands, the grocery store is such a treat when i'm at school. (ps so jealous of your purchases, spicy! hummus omg)

    i think the hardest thing for me is letting thoughts pass. i wanted to scream at myself while i was walking to class today because all i was thinking about was food, what i was going to eat the rest of the day.
    i find myself not wanting to be around myself and incredibly anxious.
    my point being:
    the need to be constantly productive tells me that i don't deserve to relax.
    && i totally know what you mean i think the only time i am actually relaxed is when i sleep. oh and during yoga when i truly focus on my intentions.
    i sometimes wonder if "normal" people know how to just be and how in the world they do it. i think it may have to do with ability to accept the moment as it is.

    and let me say PEARS! haha muy deliciouso dinner (forgive my spanglish)

    have a wonderful night beautiful, peaceful dreams :)

  5. i have hte same anxious feelings at times- sometimes i literally have to say out loud 'shelley, relax.' it's something that i think will go away as the whole eating disorder goes away.

    ps- jealous of your grocery shopping!


  6. I read your blog religiously and get inspired from it every time I read it. Im so grateful to have my becca crocker in my life.

  7. Thanks for the comments. Love seeing new readers :)

    Mexican lettuce wrap!! What a fun twist. I think I might have the ingredients to try that :D

    If you asked me what my favorite hobby is, I'd probably respond, "To think." To sit or to lay, to stare into space, to be still, and to think. If you can find a way to do this, too, I promise you will not be disappointed. It is truly restorative.

  8. i am a very happy reader of your blog and i have no shame to tell you so ;)
    may i please steal that almond butter of yours?? love it!

  9. Aaaah LARABARS!!! :) I wish I could buy them here though!!! :(
    Thanks for this post!! Acutally I talked about exactly this with my T last time!! And the knowledge that those thought will GO as well as they came it's really important!!
    I'm new to your blog and will have to read a few earlier posts to see what you're up to! ;) Have a wonderful day! Hug n.

  10. hi
    i do read your blog
    i don't remember when i found it, maybe 2 weeks ago...just by chance...i like how you write and the topics interest me personally as well...i am not into commenting myself, i do read a lot of blogs though, searching for those who are a level beyond the standard "what i ate today" health blog...

  11. i really, really love this post. it is so hard to just "be," but when you think about it, it should be the simplest thing. i think we're trained to look at life in terms of what we do - our accomplishments, or appearances, our jobs. it's so much more important to focus on who we are.

    i really like your mindfulness exercise - i'm going to try it out. :)

  12. Hey dearie-

    I totally can relate to not being able to do anything. Not being in Ptown and not working is killing me. I always feel the need to be doing SOMETHING, like if I just stayed home all day and didn't do anything I would be failing somehow. It is hard, but know that I am just a phone call or text away! Love ya~

  13. I've been reading your blog for a few days now. I don't even remember how I found it, maybe through one of your comments on another blog?

    I can definitely relate to what you said about constantly needing to do something. I can never get myself to just relax, I'm always cleaning, studying, going for walks, etc. I love your idea of trying to sit quietly by yourself for 5 minutes. I think I'll try it out today!

  14. hey i just came across your blog and i really enjoy reading it! i can't wait to keep following it! i would love it if you could check out my blog!
    great eats from TJ's btw.