I am overwhelmed.
I am furious.
I am confused.
I am hurt.
I should have known better.
Sometimes I forget what it's like to be an 'outsider'. I forget that my cries for help in desperation may be perceived the wrong way by others. This blog is my method of self expression, and an outsider can not possibly conceive the mental work I must process everyday. Everyday I work, and I work so damn hard that by the end of the day, my head wants to explode with thoughts, feelings and emotions. This blog has become my healthy escape. There is not a trace of ED here, it's just me-- raw and real. This is the one place I can get whatever I want off my chest without judgment-- or so I thought. You can take away my school, my friends, my control, my privacy and my independence. You can belittle me, shove food down my throat and break me down just to build me back up. But this, you can not take away. This silly, little blog is all that's left of me (well, for right now), and if this is not acceptable for you, then neither am I. So, I won't stop writing. I won't stop caring about others. I will keep on fighting for me.
Hold up. Something just clicked-- yes, I had an 'aha' moment-- an epiphany, if you will. I just realized that I am fighting the good fight for me. I don't really care what others think, feel or say. This is my recovery. And no, I can't blame you for trying to help, the outsider only does what he or she deems appropriate. I can appreciate that. But, there is a line that I will not allow to be crossed. I will not change who I am for others.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't
matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Suess
I want to thank those who have stood by my side. Throughout this devastating process, I have been privileged and blessed to receive the most incredible support from family and friends. My frustration arises from my forgetfulness-- I forget they don't always know what I go through and how I think and feel. In short, I want to thank those who have fought with me, unconditionally, and whom are in this for the long haul as I battle my demons.
Also, I want to thank GIOIA. It is because of her that I have learned to stick up for and put myself first. I admire and respect her for her strength, confidence and dedicated friendship. I received an e-mail from her this evening and in it she wrote, "Life was never meant to be lived alone." That line holds a dear, sensitive place in my heart. Love you, girl-- don't you ever forget how lucky France is to have you!