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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I am devastated.
I am overwhelmed.
I am furious.
I am confused.
I am hurt.
I should have known better.

Sometimes I forget what it's like to be an 'outsider'. I forget that my cries for help in desperation may be perceived the wrong way by others. This blog is my method of self expression, and an outsider can not possibly conceive the mental work I must process everyday. Everyday I work, and I work so damn hard that by the end of the day, my head wants to explode with thoughts, feelings and emotions. This blog has become my healthy escape. There is not a trace of ED here, it's just me-- raw and real. This is the one place I can get whatever I want off my chest without judgment-- or so I thought. You can take away my school, my friends, my control, my privacy and my independence. You can belittle me, shove food down my throat and break me down just to build me back up. But this, you can not take away. This silly, little blog is all that's left of me (well, for right now), and if this is not acceptable for you, then neither am I. So, I won't stop writing. I won't stop caring about others. I will keep on fighting for me. 


Hold up. Something just clicked-- yes, I had an 'aha' moment-- an epiphany, if you will. I just realized that I am  fighting the good fight for me. I don't really care what others think, feel or say. This is my recovery. And no, I can't blame you for trying to help, the outsider only does what he or she deems appropriate. I can appreciate that. But, there is a line that I will not allow to be crossed. I will not change who I am for others. 




Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't 

matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Suess


I want to thank those who have stood by my side. Throughout this devastating process, I have been privileged and blessed to receive the most incredible support from family and friends. My frustration arises from my forgetfulness-- I forget they don't always know what I go through and how I think and feel. In short, I want to thank those who have fought with me, unconditionally, and whom are in this for the long haul as I battle my demons.
Also, I want to thank GIOIA. It is because of her that I have learned to stick up for and put myself first. I admire and respect her for her strength, confidence and dedicated friendship. I received an e-mail from her this evening and in it she wrote, "Life was never meant to be lived alone." That line holds a dear, sensitive place in my heart. Love you, girl-- don't you ever forget how lucky France is to have you! 

8 comments:

  1. You have every right to remain you. You were put on this earth with the same exact chances as everyone else to fail, succeed, hurt, rejoice, cry, smile, and LIVE, and what sets you apart is how you use your experiences of those things. Never apologize for those failures, because I, and those that love you, don't see them as failures at all. Those are the things that have made you, shaped you, created the Rebecca Lustig that we know, comfort, scold, and most of all, love.
    You are a beacon of light that is so blinding to us when we look at you, a light that, instead of forcing us to squint, makes us want to open our eyes as wide as they will go just to take in the brilliance that is you, because we get to be brilliant by association. To those that have not had the privilege to see that, I pity you, and to those that got going when the going got tough, they were never worth much anyway. This is what it is to love, and to love yourself. You are beautiful, stubborn, intelligent, foolish, ridiculous, and my best friend. And those are all things that i wouldn't trade in a lifetime. I'm home soon, and we can egg whomever's house we WANT. I love you, best friend, and I'm here for you always. To the others, go jump off a bridge.
    xxo.

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  2. love this post! the healthy escape!
    take care hun
    xoxo

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  3. Gioia, easy killer. There will be no 'egging of houses'. love you

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  4. no apologizing. you are so wonderfully right, you are exactly you and this is your life, you are the only one who can and should live it.
    i think it is a beautiful epiphany.
    i believe in you & you teach me so much.
    have a restful night beautiful :) proud of you

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  5. this was so beautiful and inspiring. you know i had a bad experience today as well so i know how you feel. but this is our recovery bec. WE ARE THE BECCA RECOVERY TEAM AND WE ARE GOING TO BEAT THIS SHIT. Hahah uhh, i'm weird sorry.
    but you did amazing today, being able to separate what you KNOW is the right choice.
    take care my dear and have a lovely night <3

    love becca #2 (you are #1 of course!)

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  6. I love your blog the way it is, and it's yours, you don't change for anyone!
    x

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  7. As I mentioned in my last comment, I started reading your old posts... And WOW how overwhelming!! Not in a bad way... In a good way... Almost all I read could have been written by me... now! All the whys and questions to yourself!! You had me starting a new diary, where I just write... Write all my thought, doubts and struggles - just about everything!! So thank you for that!! For all your words which inspired me so much!!
    Keep on going!! We will get there (wherever that is!) eventually... We just need to keep pushing!

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  8. oh I didn't mean egging houses for you, I meant egging houses for ME. cough. right down your street, cough.

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