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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Laser Tag

Adidas Micro Bounce Pink/Sil Women's Running Shoe
My dear, sweet ED (note the sarcasm) adores these shoes. They are his pride and joy and he loves nothing more than to let me know it. I may set every intention to assert myself and go for a mindful jog outdoors on a beautiful day. But, as I sit down and slide my foot into each shoe, I feel a strange sensation. With each shoe lace pulled more tightly arrives the increasing strength of ED. By the time I stand with both feet pressed firmly in the ground, my body has been taken over. I'm in a different state of mentality with a revitalized energy ready to take over the world. I feel invincible as I stare at myself in the mirror with eyes widening and glaring into the distorted reflection of a superhero. Today, I tell myself, I will run farther and faster than yesterday-- because I can. My i-Pod has successfully drowned the rest of the world out and the reverberation of ED shines strong and bright, like a laser, in the center of my brain. It's go time. My intention for the run is never to lose weight, at least not until I take the first strides along the hard pavement. Once I start, my mind becomes a stop watch and coach keeping track of mileage, time, and calories burned. ED becomes my coach during the workout (some hell of a coach). I must go faster, hold the correct posture, work my muscles, and keep my heart rate up. By the end of the run, I'm usually unsatisfied. I tell myself, That's it? But I have so much more energy. What can I do next? Thus, the initial intention of a 30 minute enjoyable jog has transformed into boot camp.

I hold a laser pointer full of passionate energy. It's so strong that when my mind is set on a goal, I put forth 110% effort, though I typically feel like I've only given 98.9% (oh, perfectionism). Because my power rests in a laser beam, as opposed to a bulb lit in a lamp, it is strong and pointed at a specific target. As I've previously mentioned, I love helping others and giving back. If I could be a professional volunteer and sustain myself as well as a family for the rest of my life, I would drop everything else in a heartbeat to travel the world and pursue my destiny. The satisfaction and joy I feel when I see a smile on a child's face is ineffable. Author, Mitch Albom expressed how I feel. He said, The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. However, I have chosen to point the beam at a target that is more dangerous than passionate. The question I search an answer for is, why?

"Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart".

Dwell in Possibility

This game of laser tag is between my mind and my heart. My goal for the day is to be mindful of the thoughts that arise in my mind and the emotions I feel in my heart.



  1. such a powerful post. honestly, i can relate so much.
    each tug of the shoelace, ed takes over ore and more,.. but you cant stop. its unbeatable. and heart breaking at timmes :(

  2. i completely understand putting forth all your efforts and it still not being enough. a lot of the time i feel like nothing i do is enough, that i'm just average and that there are so many out there better than me. it makes me want to be better, hell sometimes i feel like my Ed isn't even good enough, i'm not destructive enough. its as if there is always something more that can be done.
    but that's what we need to fight. i agree, being mindful is a great way to gauge the reality of the source of actions, emotions, etc.
    just living and accepting the world around us is good, its harder than may people could imagine, but it is possible.
    thank you so much for being here, you have helped me more than you know dear.
    ps i bought wasted last night, and i all ready love it :)


  3. thank you so much for your comment on my blog. i so appreciated your words.

    i fall into the perfectionist trap all.the.time. i think we have to look at life as learning - we learn to retrain ourselves to channel that perfectionism into something other than criticizing ourselves. and we have to recognize that we will stumble sometimes. we'll focus on ourselves, we'll fixate on something we shouldn't. but trying, being aware, taking small steps - that's the progress we can channel that energy into.

    that quote is beautiful. i just saved it to remember. :)

  4. Hey Bec! Thanks for the comment today! You may steal recipes any day ;)

    I just added a contest on my blog if you are interested in a chance to win some organic chocolate.....yummmy!
    Have a great night doll!

  5. Love your blog:) It's like a deep insightful trace of how we 'slip' into ED thoughts...that nasty monster!

    Take care, sweetie!

  6. I can relate to this so much. ED is the worst coach ever because NOTHING is ever even close to good enough for him. But that doesn't include you my love, you are TOO GOOD for him, so don't let ED (or anyone else for that matter) tell you otherwise.

    Love the quote <3

    xo Hannah

  7. just found your blog- i find it really interesting. i'm also jewish and am dealing wiht some eating issues. i look forward to following your blog