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Friday, November 6, 2009

Short and not so Sweet

I would like to take a moment to thank the blog community. I am overwhelmed with exuberance and insight by the diligent support within 'blog-world'. I can not express how invited, comforted and motivated I am every time I read another blog entry. So, thank you for taking the time to share your stories, read mine and offer feedback.

Ok, so I need to wish Celine(bean) a happy, happy birthday. She has been such an inspiration and extraordinary friend and I am grateful to have met her at Princeton. On that note, I feel terrible. Tonight I was supposed to celebrate Celine's birthday with her family. It would have been wonderful and refreshing to see my Rockstars. However, I made a conscious (yet careless) decision not to attend. Why would I choose to refrain from visiting a dear friend on her birthday? What kind of uncommitted friend am I? I do have some answers. At this phase in my recovery I just don't feel comfortable eating in unknown territories with people whom I haven't met. I have this intense fear of the unknown, which includes unknown meals, places and company. Before I go out to a restaurant, one is certain I search online for the menu and decide what I'll order ahead of time-- to ease my anxiety and feel in control. However, as I have learned, I am not the one who holds the power. No, the power rests in ED's hands. Tonight, Ed decided I would not attend the birthday celebration. The situation is too risky, I'd be sure to restrict and self-inflict mental harm. I wouldn't be me if I went because I'd be trapped in my own mind. I feel terrible, guilty and ashamed but I know I made the best decision for me in this situation. Celine, I love you girl and I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your family-- I'll see you soon.

Despite the cancellation of plans and melancholy mood, I was asked out on a hot date, and accepted. Tonight my dad and I are going to Oishi-- you must go, the menu offers such a delectable variety. Expect a mindful post in the morning and in the meantime, have a fabulous Friday.

"The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to 
live long enough to wish you had."- Grace Mirabella

4 comments:

  1. try not to feel bad dear, right now you are all that matters and i'm so glad you made the right decision for you, i think its a good step.
    have fun on your hot date, i love dinners with my dad :)
    && i can hardly put wasted down! can't wait to discuss it
    have a lovely night :)

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  2. I'm so sorry you didn't feel up to going to the birthday celebrations. Don't feel bad about yourself for it though - its completely normal to have fears like this in recovery. But I have complete faith that in time you will overcome this challenge and maybe next year you will be able to go :)
    xo Hannah

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  3. release the guilt, dear, it never helps. have fun with your daddy.

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  4. i have the same fears girl! Even tonight.. i could have gone to TWO events.. but said no to both of them.. all because of the food. "how many calories are going to be there".. "no.. eat here because its safe". blah blah blah
    :( all lies. its hard though, i know. but we must keep our heads on strong, and held high!
    Oishi sounds great :) have a great time <3

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