Ok, so I need to wish Celine(bean) a happy, happy birthday. She has been such an inspiration and extraordinary friend and I am grateful to have met her at Princeton. On that note, I feel terrible. Tonight I was supposed to celebrate Celine's birthday with her family. It would have been wonderful and refreshing to see my Rockstars. However, I made a conscious (yet careless) decision not to attend. Why would I choose to refrain from visiting a dear friend on her birthday? What kind of uncommitted friend am I? I do have some answers. At this phase in my recovery I just don't feel comfortable eating in unknown territories with people whom I haven't met. I have this intense fear of the unknown, which includes unknown meals, places and company. Before I go out to a restaurant, one is certain I search online for the menu and decide what I'll order ahead of time-- to ease my anxiety and feel in control. However, as I have learned, I am not the one who holds the power. No, the power rests in ED's hands. Tonight, Ed decided I would not attend the birthday celebration. The situation is too risky, I'd be sure to restrict and self-inflict mental harm. I wouldn't be me if I went because I'd be trapped in my own mind. I feel terrible, guilty and ashamed but I know I made the best decision for me in this situation. Celine, I love you girl and I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your family-- I'll see you soon.
Despite the cancellation of plans and melancholy mood, I was asked out on a hot date, and accepted. Tonight my dad and I are going to Oishi-- you must go, the menu offers such a delectable variety. Expect a mindful post in the morning and in the meantime, have a fabulous Friday.
"The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to
live long enough to wish you had."- Grace Mirabella