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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?'  "

Perhaps I should be immersed in a bubble bath reading the story of Alice in Wonderland-- I suspect Alice and I have much in common. Right now I feel overwhelmed. Physically, I'm at one stage as I scramble to complete my exchanges everyday in desperation to go back to school. However, three steps back, one can find my mentality. I've been so caught up with hype about school and potential IOPs, that I haven't had a minute to check in with myself (mentally, that is). Though most of my days are spent in a quiet, empty house, I'm hardly alone. Family, friends, my crackberry and the internet make certain I am in constant contact. There are deadlines, benchmarks and goals that must be met in order for me to return to U Pitt. This what recovery on speed must feel like. I'm exhausted, confused and troubled by the accelerated path I am on. I need time alone to think. Really think.. And I think I'm shutting down.
Audrey Hepburn Complex
(Courtesy of

Who am I-- right now?


  1. you are wonderful :)

  2. ugh i totally get where you are coming from--perfect metaphor; recovery on speed. I'm in the same position. Just think of it as motivation instead of giving it a negative connotation. that's what i have been doing. You can o anything you set your mind to hun.

    Love you!

  3. alice is one of my fave characters. and she DOES get out of the rabbit hole in the end, right?

  4. oh my goodness.
    I truly truly read the first 3 words in your initial quote and could close my eyes and say it...I have it written in my diary...night after night for years...
    I still wake up...I still go to bed...saying that quote in my head in a dizzying flurry.
    You articulate it so so so well. You articulate the madness....the madness of the mind...
    I know...been there....still there...not sure i will ever leave there...
    i wish i could write these things in my blog...i wish i articulate it like release it..just release....let the words flow...but i fear being in that place...i fear continuing my dizzying fall "down the rabbit hole" falling down while time floats up past me...i fear being in that i force writing that will hide it...and "pretend" that i am normal...
    its one moment at a breath at a time...and then some day you can come whole again...xo

  5. best way to find that out in my opinion, is to meditate!
    i force myself to do it and i feel so much lighter and happier afterwards.
    it's so grounding.

  6. you're strong. beautiful. inspiring.

  7. just keep breathing.
    i'm starting to wonder if one can really ever know who they are, i sure as hell couldn't tell you who i am. but maybe that's Ed, because Ed tells me i am nothing if i'm not absolutely committed to something (read obsessive).
    you are many things. i am many things. we choose some of these things, and somethings just happen upon us. it's messy, it's painful, and i want to believe that it can be beautiful.
    love love love
    (we must chat again, i'm learning to be interesting)
    my new goal--take a step back into the things that scare me

  8. You are so inspirational to put yourself out there like you do in your blog. I think that even without struggling with my ED anymore, I still feel lost at times. This is when you just have to remember how beautiful life is, even when it gets you down.
    There is no rush to get back to school, I know it's important to you, but you are the most important thing. Remember that as bad as it feels, its okay to admit defeat sometimes, even in everyday occurrences. I too try to be "perfect" sometimes, but you know what, I'm perfect at being myself, and thats why those around me love me, so it's hard to understand why sometimes that isn't enough to myself.

    The future's in our present hands
    Let's reach right in
    Let's understand
    If you want it you've got to believe

  9. Well, you are, beautiful and inspiring. Your comments leave me smiling because I just know how generous you are by sharing what you know and supporting others while you're going through some tough times yourself.

    You're everything that most people strive to be, beautiful, accepting and strong.

  10. well you know i love alice... <3

    you can handle this. all you have to do is breathe through it. and know that it's no mistake that you've landed here.

  11. Rebecca, you put what you are going through in such beautiful words. I am a huge fan of Alice in Wonderland and have always fantasized about being caught in her strange and crazy world. But, I suppose I have already been there. And I still visit. I know this is hard right now, but you are so strong. Keep remembering and believing that.

  12. Hang in there girl. It will get better, listen to your heart...You're one special girl!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  13. Sweety.... As julia said...
    Hand in there!! Even though it is really scary and rushed at the moment,
    it will all be over soon!! It's just a matter of time!!
    You can do this!!! Don't shut down!! Stay strong!
    As long as you stay on top of everything and let yourself catch up!
    Big hug n.

  14. hello Rebecca! :) I don't know if we have officially 'met' yet, ? hehe. but I've been reading your blog for the past couple weeks & I noticed I was on your blog roll! thanks for the add & thanks for your comment. I LOVE your blog and each of your posts are so thought provoking and helpful to me. I've been having some struggles as of late as well as personal issues and I really want to pull through this month... & such inspiring blogs like yours help me so much.
    hope you have a beautiful day! <3

  15. STAY STRONG REBECCA!!! You are an amazing young woman with more potential and life ahead of you that you can ever imagine. Never forget your goals, but make sure you don't forget to take care of yourself in the PRESENT as well. Take some alone time each and every day for yourself. Your mental health is honestly just as important as the physical, and YOU have to be the one to take care of both. I KNOW you can do it sweetie... just keep your strength!


  16. rebecca- you can do this! you are so inspriational and talented- you ahve so much to offer this woorld. please stay strong, you have so many things to look forward to. if time to yourself is what you need, then relax and reflect on how amazing you are :)


  17. When it comes to school deadlines, life ALWAYS seems hectic. But I promise this pace does not last. Think of it as the storm before the calm ;)

  18. BEAUTIFUL. You are you. talented, you, learning, inspirational, honest, dedicated, strong. These are the things I have noticed and I only read your blog, I can only imagine how wonderful you are in person. NEVER forget you are the only YOU! <3
    Ps how excited are you for the Alice and Wonderland book!!?!!?

  19. Thank you so much for your comments!
    I can already tell that you are a beautiful person and I'm excited to read more of your blog. Your story is very inspiring - if you have the strength to overcome what you have in the past few months, than there is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to get over this bump in the road you are feeling right now. I know for a fact that every single person who deals with recovery faces identity issues - because I, myself, deal with it. You might not know who you are right now, and that is perfectly okay, because that's what life is for.


  20. "This what recovery on speed must feel like" this made me giggle, but i can relate to it SO much. You are strong my love. You can do this. The only thing that could ever stop you for doing it is yourself.
    Take time for yourself, take time to breath. Everything will slot itself into place soon enough.

    Lots of love <3
    Hannah XO

  21. I fall prey to the hustle and bustle of life every day. It is too crazy for me! Take your time with recovery though. You deserve all the time in the world.

  22. Don;t you just LOVE alice in wonderland?? I do!! I am so excited for the film!