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Friday, December 4, 2009

Can't Hold Me Down

"If we had to make the decision to let you go back to school tomorrow, our answer would be a definite no." The  room was damp and still. "You are now X lbs below your minimum goal weight, which shows us you are, clearly not ready." I glanced over to my father who slouched in his chair with his head in his hands. His eyebrows were raised and a look of disappointment and worry came across his face. My mother sat upright, next to me with her hand rested next to her head. I could see the glossiness in her eyes and despair swell in her heart. I was so focused on their reactions that I forget how I felt at that very moment. Upon our reactions, Dr. Boudette quickly justified. She said, abruptly, "However, there are still four weeks before the semester begins." 'Maybe there is hope', I thought.  "Therefore, if you can get it together and prove to us you are ready within the next two weeks. We will re-evaluate. But you're going to need to work hard." (aka, you need a miracle).  "You need to be at the top end of your range." At that very moment, fear, guilt and disappointment rose from the pit of my stomach and clouded my heart. 'What is wrong with my body? Well, what did I really expect? I have been allowed to exercise more and the unstructured environment during Thanksgiving sure didn't help.' My thoughts were interrupted by ED who chimed in with, 'See? You've still got it.' 

The rest of the family session was spent negotiating and hypothesizing. My chances of return will be substantially greater if I get accepted into the IOP program through the Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic--

"COPE's intensive outpatient program (IOP) provides treatment for patients who have returned to work or school, but who require the structure of the evening program to promote recovery. For some patients, the program may serve as a transition to more intensive care. A combination of two group therapy sessions and one meal per day, IOP is offered three evenings per week and requires a nine-hour per week commitment. Both individual and group counseling sessions are available."

In my desperate attempts to go back to school, I vow to put forth all my energy to achieve the impossible possibility of getting back into my goal weight range. I have made it this far, there is no turning back. What's more, my friends have been the most incredible cheerleaders. Their confidence only increases mine when I feel all hope is lost-- without them, I'd be mentally (and physically) lost. With my friends and wise words of the brilliant William Faulkner by my side, I won't dwell on the devastation from last night's meeting. No, I will only look ahead and give it all I've got. ED can not hold me back from my life. Look out, Pittsburgh-- I'm coming for ya.

"All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid
 failure to do the impossible." -William Faulkner

Feel Free. by rlustig516.
p.s. Don't doubt me.


  1. I love your positivity, stay strong. After doing IOP a couple of times, I've noticed that it really is helpful. Just having the extra structure and support during a meal and snack (depending on the hours of this program) can boost motivation for recovery. Best of luck to you. <3

  2. stay strong honey. i know you can do it and the fact that you know you can and want to will make it that much easier and happier in the end.

  3. i have no doubt. no doubt at all.

  4. Keep your eye on the goal and you can achieve ANYTHING you set your sights on. I have no doubts. And as always, dad, Jonah, Sarah and I are right beside you all the way.

  5. You can effing DO THIS! gogogogogogo the dream is yours, the time is now ;) Being at a healthy weight is a lovely place, ya know. ED is uneducated. Learn that sucker!! :P

  6. i really really hope you can do this! i KNOW you can, but i also know how hard it can be. but i think u realize how worth it it will be to beat this. i am here for oyu & believe in you!!

  7. this is a really great way to prove to yourself how strong you are. you can do it :-)

    i got a new blog btw, hope u can follow! :-)


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  9. You CAN do this. But that's not enough. I've been have to work so hard each and evry single day and time. It's worth it and you can do this! Let's do it girl! (I am there for any advice, always)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  10. first I would like to thank you for sharing your Theory in your last post, so honest, and so accurate.
    I have not been reading your blog for a terribly long time but from what I have read I can tell you are STRONG, and you deserve to win this battle and live as REBECCA.
    you CAN do this, you just need to let yourself do it. Let the rational Rebecca who wants to return to school beat ED over the head and do what she needs to do in order to return to her daily life, and the friends she cherishes so much!
    Hang in there girl! you can do this!!! <3 <3 <3

  11. I don't doubt you. Not at all.
    I wish I could write my feelings as freely as you but I am relunctant to be put "out there". I fear what or who may read it and misunderstand. I feel what you say. Aware of it. You are strong. Chin up.

  12. I have no doubt that you can do this. I could really feel your determination when I read this post. I can't wait to hear about your success. I am so sure about you.

  13. Hey Girl! I know you can do this! Its tough,I know but just be strong and keep thinking about your overall goals and what you want to achieve. You can achieve anything that you want to! You are strong and amazing! Just keep on going. I wish you all the best. You can do it!!! Have a wonderful weekend.

  14. i have all the faith in the world that you can do this my rockstar.

  15. i love this positivity! i have every faith in you that you can do this. your determination is amazing :)

    xo hannah

  16. You are a strong chica hang in there!!!