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Friday, December 11, 2009

Magnified.





magnifying_glass I shut down. The past three days I've kept my cell phone off and refrained from using the computer. I just wanted to be alone to think, is that so wrong? I'm tired-- mentally. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my back. That friends, family and my team are constantly over my shoulder, whispering their input and concerns. I often think, 'What about me? When do I get a say in all of this recovery mess? Why can't I just catch a break?' However, I do know the truth. I don't get a break from recovery. There won't be a time for me to just be me-- without limits. I will be watched through a magnified lens, constantly. Though I know this as the reality, there is such a big part of me that refuses to accept it. Ahh, acceptance. Here we go again. 


Yesterday, I cried before my therapy session even began. I sat in the waiting room flipping through pages of my novel, without internalizing one word. As each page turned, I visualized my life flashing before my eyes. "I don't know if I can do this anymore", I cried. "I need a break." But do I really have a choice? Do I have to wake up every morning with the pain and fear that the day will bring challenges, even misery? My therapist would say, "Yes, until you realize it will only get easier and easier." I wish there was a pause button, one that could put life on hold, so that I could have a moment to breathe-- to be me, without rules and limitations. I hate feeling trapped. Thus, the brief disappearance. Hopefully this weekend will bring joy and positive energy my way as I escape for a couple of days. Then, perhaps, I'll feel rejuvenated and ready to embrace the new week, knowing it won't be easy. Because perhaps I view my problems as magnified. Maybe, just maybe, it's not so bad as it seems.


As a side note, I wanted to briefly mention a realization I came across. Last night, I saw the film "Precious", and thought about all those who believe eating disorders are about vanity. Comments such as, "are you maintaining?" and "Just eat and stop exercising for awhile" assure me that even those whom I'm closest to, just don't get it. I don't blame them, because I can't comprehend the disorder most times. An eating disorder is comparable to alcoholism and drug abuse because it's a coping mechanism-- it's an escape. Eating disorders are the most deadly of mental illnesses, do people really believe we choose to kill ourselves, slowly? Taken into consideration, I think that although something might hurt so badly, sometimes letting it go feels like it will hurt even more.

I'm still confused. I'm still tired. I'm still wanting to curl up in a ball and hide. But I know I can't hide forever. The magnifying glass will find me, eventually.

"But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it. It’s here. Blink and you’ll miss it."-Grey's Anatomy

16 comments:

  1. Sorry for you girl...you know what? You have to realize something: all the things you're doing now that are for your recovery WILL give you that break and freedom you want. They will give you a healthy body, a healthy life, without strange rules/restrictions/obessions and so much more negative things...That will be your true freedom.

    Don't take a break, just don't! Take a deep breath instead and go for the real freedom, you can do this!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  2. <3 love ya rebecca. i feel every word.

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  3. life is now. how often we all forget this or refuse to accept it. it is so painful.
    now i'm send this back to you, because i want you to remember it is true.
    you are a rockstar.
    love love love

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  4. You have done it again.
    Articulate the words, feelings,fizzying thoughts of what life is right now.
    Acceptance? So so difficult to achieve. So difficult to do. Particularly when the road is LONG...and no one understands...they say to you oh "eat more", "do this or that"....and you stare at them and secretly whisper all the profanity of the world...it is not fun...it is not easy....when it is years...not a few weeks, not a few months, but years...years...and in meantime you have lost your identity, you have lost your passions, your passions...
    I have people tell me that i am a failure, a wasted existence, to just "buck up"...no understanding....do they say that to the person with cancer...do they?....no....
    i struggle...but i keep telling myself "i am not a failure...I am good...i am not in the wrong...." i am TIRED of being told i am a failure because my life has been stalled and overturned...why believe it? why give some silly other person that control...that belief that they are superior...when they are nothing but just skin and bones and words and cells also....they are not better...and i give them that control??
    Your reference to being restricted...under the magnifying lens...lived it...still do but in a different way....in the past, the horror of it....and the acceptance was like trying to swallow a brick in my throat....the judgements, the assumptions, the lack of understanding but the silly words "i know, i understand"....what to do? laugh at it? scream at it? cry at it?
    the emotions are exhausting...they drain your body, your mind, your soul...
    u take as many breaks as you need and want, its hard to keep waiting for the better, when the better is so so far away...but INSTEAD think about the right now...only now...the last quote you said was true....good choice.

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  5. Thank you for saying all the things I feel like I can't say. As low as you feel, you really are my daily inspiration. Have fun this weekend! Love you!

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  6. I'm sorry you have to feel this way. But its a great thing to realize that letting go of something that hurts you is even scarier than staying with it. The unhappiness is a known quantity. Happiness and health is unknown right now and it doesn't seem safe at all! I definately know that feeling.
    That magnifying glass is terrifying. But think of it this way. We magnify what we care about or are interested in. As a kid, we magnify cool parts of insects. And now, your team is magnifying you so that they can help you help yourself.
    Keep hanging in there.

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  7. i really appreciate your honesty. it is important to understand your feelings and i feel like this blog really helps you to do that :) i know you can let go of this horrible disease..you need to believe your life is worth SO so much more!

    xoxo
    shelley

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  8. oh, my love.
    hang in there. Its not easy, at all. And it does feel like a trap :( But even I, as hard to admit it.. it shall get easier. And with each step we take we ARE breaking free. Breaking into WHO WE ARE <3 Not a distorted mind <3

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  9. LOVE that grey's quote. I totally understand where you are coming from. Stay strong sweetie--you can do this! love you so much <3

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  10. great quote from greys anatomy..love that show!!
    oh Becca, I think we need to go on a holiday!!
    I don't think people can understand the severity of an eating disorder unless they have oen. It IS an illness like alcoholism or drug addiction. It's like any addiction, a coping mechanism. But it's not like we can just 'give up' food like an alcoholic can give up alcohol. We have to have MORE food. Making it extremely hard to overcome. Do what is best for yourself, I think you know what that is :)

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  11. recovery is so hard, i can relate to so many of the struggles you are having at the moment. but as painful as it is, with each day that passes while we are in recovery, we get closer to a life of freedom and happiness. keep reminding yourself of why you're doing this :)

    xo hannah

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  12. take solace in the knowledge that you're going to be okay! no matter what happens, that is true. i hope you feel better soon! have definitely been there.

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  13. you are so smart and wise, bless your heart girl, you just need to take a breath and dont analyze it-its going to work out, keep pushing through and try not to think too hard..try to enjoy the road (i know that sounds crazy) but please, just take a deep breath, its all going to be okay!!! i know what you are going through, it seems so overwelhming but it will pass soon. you are awesome!

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  14. thanks for the comment :) I can tell from your descriptive writing and in the bio on the side bar you are an amazing girl that deserves freedom. stay strong, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! :0
    happy holidays!

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  15. You're writing directly from my heart!!
    It's almost cruel to read your words because they are so much mine too!!
    What a reality check!!
    We will get through it!! We just need to believe it and push....
    Thank you so much for the heart warming words!! I really appreciate ever single one of them!!
    Stay stong!! Lots of love.... n.

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  16. recovery doesn't come easy but i know you can do it. you are strong!

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