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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Nature vs. Nurture...Nature vs. Rebecca. In Black, today.

*Disclaimer, I was extremely angry and upset when I wrote this post and most likely wrote some things I don't mean. And for that, I apologize.


I am angry. I have been in a bed for four days unable to take care of myself. I have relied on my mother and brother to beckon my every need. I hate it. Every muscle is stiff and every joint hurts. My head hasn't stopped pounding since Saturday night and this anger has only made it worse. I loathe myself. God, why can't you be on my side these next two weeks? I need to gain x pounds by January 2nd. And look at all that's been played against me:


  • I'm sick, hence loss of appetite
  • My sleeping schedule is all messed up now, so I have no way to ensure I get five, planned meals a day
  • I feel like a lazy, BUM strapped down in a straight jacket.  Lack of movement doesn't help my feelings about body image
It's me vs. nature. Balls are being thrown at me from left and right fields. Unexpected, potentially harmful balls. Ice balls, perhaps? Oy, I know I've been there before... hello broken nose.  How the HELL am I supposed to gain this weight? Impossibility already crossed my mind when the news about weight gain and benchmarks were mentioned Thursday afternoon, at a time I was physically healthy. Two days later, nature decided to throw a fast curve ball at me.. a 103.6 degree fever fast one, that is.  As a result, the past four days have been wasted away because I'm sick. What will my nutritionist say tomorrow? What will my therapist say today? At 2:30pm this afternoon, I am supposed to have a conference call with my psychologist and parents. Why must my parents be involved? 'My anger' is in NO mood for this and I'm not sure my body has enough energy to get through this session. Why am I being put through this pain? I just want to go back to school. I love my family to death, but I'm miserable at home. I miss my friends and my life.  I miss working towards something. I feel like the 'sorries', failures, and screw-ups outweigh anything I have accomplished or achieved. Being sick is not an excuse for not gaining weight. There is no excuse for me, at this point. It is all on me and I am using every bit of energy I can conjure up to gain the damn weight. Have you ever tried to gain x pounds in 2 weeks, on your own, with no support or structure? For those who think, "It can't be that hard! Stock up on donuts and eggnog!" I urge you to do your research. 

This experience has weakened my nearly existent relationship with God. I know everything happens for a reason and I know God has some great plan for me, but with every challenge and with every new day, it gets harder and harder to keep that faith. I am angry at myself and at nature. This is a battle.  If I don't win there will be excruciating and inflictive consequences.

Until that day arises, I will try must succeed. There is no other way. I want to do this for myself.  I need to go back to school and live a life of a 21 year old. Time cannot be wasted and Lord knows I've tried my very best (most times) to live the life I thought I deserved. I will never get this valuable time back. I want to laugh, love, learn, and be with the people who know me best (which, apparently, isn't my family). Shame.

Haters can't hold me back. Doubters won't stop me. If I need to take out student loans, I will. NO ONE will destroy my life. From the very day (August 10, 2009) I was told I couldn't return to Pitt for fall semester, I set a goal. I would not let anyone or anything get in my way. My life is too precious to me. I will go back to school. Whether it takes a shit load of student loans or a few side jobs,  I will find my way back.  I will.

And if there isn't a transition to there, this blog may need to be destroyed. Clearly, from what's been said at today's phone session, I have failed myself.  I've failed my family and I have failed my friends. First, I tried to fight for myself, but when that wasn't enough, I fought for all of you. Then, once the time came, I built up the strength to try for me. I'm sorrry I let you down.  Most importantly, I'm sorry I let myself down. I'm not sure what will happen next. My life feels like it's is up in the air.

So many broken promises, so many let downs, so many false hopes, so many dreams crushed and passions pushed aside. Enough is enough.


Two and a half hours have passed and I just had an epiphany. I really do believe everything happens for a reason and I know God watches over me. So, something must be up.  Yes, a light bulb has lit up.    Like most challenges, today presents itself with a test for me.  Perhaps, I had to get sick and have a panic attack in order to have this family phone session with my therapist.  Perhaps, my psychologist had to inform my family that school is not the best option for me right now.  Why?  Because, with that news came anger and hatred towards my family, my team, and myself.  I felt alone.  It was just me, my mind, my heart, and my soul.  After I hung up on my parents and psychologist (whoops) I researched student loan options.  I realized I would do just about anything to get my life back. Even if it meant giving up ED.

There's a saying, "If not now, then when?".  You can't put a time limit on recovery.  You can't say, "Oh, she will be better by September 1st" when everyone thought I'd be ready by now.  No, you can't put a time limit on recovery.  My psychiatrist told me that I possess a powerful, passionate energy that could be used for something good.  I thought about that for a few minutes and decided that I will do whatever it takes to apply that power towards my health so I can go back to school.  I need this opportunity to show not just my parents and doctors, but myself that I can take care of myself. The only way to really know is to really try and just do it.

If my parents don't support my decision to go back to school, then fine.  I will figure it out and take care of myself on my own.  I will do it.  I will just do it.


Today is the day God has prepared me for.  The past four months I've talked a hell of a lot about my feelings of inadequacy, dependence, and low competence. I have learned that those feelings grew with me because I let others help run my life. I'm 21 years old now and ready to face my fears and do what I believe is best for me. If I can complete this challenge, I'll surely have something to be proud of.  Yes, this is a nearly impossible accomplishment that will be saving the rest of my life. I've never felt so passionate about any decision.  I've never wanted to work so hard for something. I'm through with time spent in hospitals and doctors' offices and I'm through with allowing ED to rule my life. I don't want to "just get by."   I want my health, my life, and my happiness. I'll get it all even if I have to on my own. I'm ready to face and conquer the challenges that lay ahead and show myself what I am capable of.  I am not a failure.  I can do this. I have to. If not now, then when?


I thank every single soul who has supported, comforted, cried with, inspired, and saved me. However, you can't save me with this one.  This time, I'm in it for me.


25 comments:

  1. I wish you luck.

    Do it for you :)

    xoxo

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  2. Such a powerful post. I'm sorry you're sick, that must be so miserable, and then compounded with all of this added stress. Ugh! You sound so determined though, so I know you will make this work for you. I'm praying that you are able to return to school, but most importantly I'm praying that your ED gets defeated and you get your life back. If you want to talk, I'm always here! steffrancisco@gmail.com anytime. It's true that the only person who can save you is yourself, but it's ok to lean on others as long as you don't lose sight of your goals and inner strength.

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  3. Believe in yourself and anything can happen. I sure believe in you, this post is way too powerful for words.

    xoxo

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  4. you are the creator of your own destiny. just have faith and trust that everything will work out, and it will. i know that sometimes it's easy to lose faith because it feels like God is just beating us down. however, there's always more good than bad in your life if you choose to seek it. i'm sending you all my love and get well wishes!

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  5. I hope you feel better as soon as possible. I am so sorry you've had to go through this over the past couple of days. Stay strong. You can do this! I know you are motivated, and once you feel better it will be a lot easier. I am so proud of you for doing this for YOU. Because you deserve to be better and free.

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  6. I have never felt so moved in all my life.
    This turn around... It is amazing. You realized you should never have to apologise for a slip up - you never failed, not us, not your parents, and most importantly, not yourself. You've done yourself proud, you've done us proud. You are amazing, and I want you to never forget that you have it in you to succeed.
    Your determination will get you as far as you let it - embrace EVERYthing. I know you can do it.

    You are such an inspiration.

    Good luck, all the best, my wishes and thoughts are with you.

    Love,
    Eleanor. xo

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  7. tears, my eyes are filling with tears becca. i'm speechless.
    i've never been so inspired in my life.
    sending every ounce of my love.
    xoxo

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  8. So powerful Rebecca, you can do this for YOU and you will do it NOW. i wish you the very best, your in my thoughts and prayers always. This time is scary and unpredictable but with your passion I'm sure your up for the challenges that lay ahead. If you ever need to vent feel free to shoot me an email, I'm here for ya! <3 <3 <3

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  9. stay strong dearie! the power within you is unlike any other I have witnessed in anyone else. your words are so inspiring and you should embrace them and take all your advice for your own sake! You can do this--I know you can 100%. Don't let the snowballs knock you down, just get right back on up and keep truckin'

    LOVE YOU <3

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  10. I was once told "you can not fail if you never give up" and it's true!!

    I'm the champ at student loans! Something that is a "failure" (on my bad days) for me can be a victory for you! That makes me feel good :)

    Goodluck!

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  11. i'm sure everyone will understand that you were unable to gain weight if you're sick. it won't last forever. make sure that when you're over the illness you keep honouring your body and giving it the nutrients it needs to build health. you've got all the time you need! xo

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  12. YOU CAN DO THIS! Look deep in your heart and think about what YOU want for yourself. As you say seize the moment, there' never going to be a "right" time for this, go for it.
    Loveeeeeeeee oxoxox

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  13. I'm no expert but I think that last line is exactly what has to happen - you have to do this for YOU. That is the only way true change will happen and last. Congrats on getting through all that you have so far. I hope you start feeling better soon!...

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  14. Sometimes I feel we are the same person. Or the same person in different times of our lives.
    Do not jump to soon though. I say this from experience.
    To be honest....I have gained 6 lbs in 2 weeks before...in fact I continued that trend for 3 months...you do the math...that the second time I put myself through it...one time forced...second time I initiated cause I was vicisouly hungry to get back to life, learning, work...
    but it backfired....it was a short-term fix...best to really work your head and body out first...
    either way, i feel your every word...more that you ever ever realize....i wish i were there with you to bake some christmas cookies and watch a silly movie...to talk about how a life gets back on track when the track is beat to crap...thinkin of ya

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  15. Sometimes it does take fallen down to get your feet nicely secured on the ground again. I had a horrible day yesterday. The first day in two months that I let ed take over. Today I am back and I am taking care of myself and changing what needs to change to prevent the anxiety from building up that much again. I know how it feels to think you are letting everyone and yourself down. I felt the same way. But you know what, I've come such a long way. One slip is not horrible.
    I commend you for finding such incredible strength after such a scary realization.
    Have a great day!

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  16. i am so happy for you and hope you keep this attitude up. i GENUINELY believe that saying. I have ahd to tel lmyself that every day since i've really started to work toward srecovery. it is sooo easy to say "ill start tomorrow, or next week i'll be etter" but truthfully- things will just keep being put off if we do that. RIGHT NOW is the oNLY time and i know you can do this! i have full faith you will be back in school & living an amazing life. maybe if you looked into help in pitt your parents would be more willing to support your choice? I'm sure there is some center for eating disorders somewhere around there? wishing you the best & lots of love. you can dot his hun

    xoxo
    shelley

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  17. Hey Girly!

    I hope you have a great day- keep your head up you are strong! :)

    ~
    Kristi

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  18. girl.. i am so sorry that you have had a rough/emotional rollar coaster past few days. i promise God is there holding you, even tho you may not feel it..He IS..and you will look back on this time in your life and see it, KEEP praying to Him and holding on to Him, He is the only thing who will give you strength during this..ive been there before!

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  19. If you are not fighting for you and your life, then what else is there? I am so sorry for these hard times. My hardest were at this same time two years ago, and I can definitely understand that Christmas is the absolute WORST time to be struggling.

    Hang in there. I truly truly believe God has a reason for everything. Reasons you won't see for a while, but when you do, you want to break down and thank him for bringing you to where you are.

    Try your best to stay strong. Lean on your family for support, there is no reason to try and do everything alone.

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  20. I'm so sad to hear that you're going through this, but happy to know that you realize what is happening; knowing is the best key to success.

    Stay strong hun, fight it and don't stop. there is so much out for you, now and in the future and will always be there for you. you can do it.

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  21. When you say to do the research on eating eggnog and donuts to gain weight, what do you mean??? It would have to work there loads of calories???

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  22. your post are by far the most inspiring blogger out there to me. you have a wonderful determination to get through all of this and leave this ED behind you. i am so sorry you aren't feeling well at the moment but please know that i am here if you need help to support you or cheer you up in times when you just can't find any strength.
    wishing you a merry christmas and hopefully a happy and peaceful time together with your family
    xoxo

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  23. I am literally speechless. You are so inspiring.. this raw emotional post is so amazing to read. I am a true believer in 'things happening for a reason' and I have so much faith in you - the turn-around of your attitude is incredible, and you deserve all the credit in the world if only for your mindset.

    xox
    Tat

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  24. love you pretty girl
    Wishing your so much love, strength, and health this Holiday
    Remeber, smile, sing, and love.
    Happy Holidays <3

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  25. Dear anonymous:
    Eating disorders are much more complicated. You can't just say, "hey, eat these donuts, they'll help you gain weight". Talk about anxiety overload. I'm more than willing to share more if you email me at rlustig516@gmail.com

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