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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Nobody said life would be easy.

“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.” 


Tuesday night I that Epiphany and that light bulb appeared. Later that evening, I lay in bed and it all started to click. I wrote the following:

It's all starting to make sense. I hear my brother playing a beautiful melody on the piano. He is so talented. I could create music like that too, if I allowed myself to try. I smell the warmth from my mother's roasted chicken that fills the entire house. I could probably try that too.
Though physically I am terribly weak and mentally I 'should be' exhausted after this long, emotional day-- I actually feel the strongest I've felt in a long time.
Today I've realized God is on my side. Perhaps I've been too distracted to notice, and for that I am sorry.
But I'm done saying sorry. God and I have some serious work to do.
I feel as if my soul has been found and my spirits have been lifted. I don't need an eating disorder. I have all the tools and coping mechanisms I could possibly need to help me fully recover. In fact, I am beginning to believe that my ED is a 'cop out'. Eating disorders are the easy way out from dealing with real emotions, feelings and thoughts. Well, I am ready to face my fears and deal with what life throws at me, just like many do. Not only have I been taught the tools necessary to succeed, but I have been blessed to have more (as I smile and cry just thinking about what I am fortunate to have). I have my soulmates. They have stood by my side through it all. Some are waiting for me to return to Pittsburgh and others are waiting for me to get over this "fluke-of-a-flu". But they have missed me. And they need me. No, I am not worthless.  I share beautiful relationships with every person who is currently in my life. For those who aren't, they clearly didn't deserve to be. I also have two crazy siblings who fear for me-- only because they care too much. They have become my best friends. And what parents would tell their daughter, "Money is not an issue, don't you worry", when in reality it is. 
But most importantly, I have me, which is beautiful, special and sacred. NO one can take 'me' away from myself. No one. During my stay at Princeton I went through a lot of self discovery, and tonight I ask myself again, "Who am I?" 

  • I am a musician
  • I am a volunteer
  • I am a caregiver
  • I am a student
  • I am a hardworker
  • I am a friend
  • I am a daughter
  • I am a relative
  • I am a Jew
  • I am a fighter
  • And I am beautiful. 
I know that if I hold onto the coping skills, the people I am privileged to have in my life and my self-identity, I will be OK. Every individual who cares about me would never desert, think less of nor judge me. Perhaps I can treat myself the same why. Yes, maybe I can take a compliment and internalize it. Or as Chrissy would say, "own it".
I have searched and searched for a reason to let go of ED, and by George, I think I've got it. Though it's come down the wire (rather abruptly), I always tend to do my best work when I procrastinate. If I hadn't been hit hard by the new's from the phone session, I wouldn't have realized my potential. I am ready to be a successful student and live a healthy life filled with love, faith and happiness. I can will be successful at school because I've got all I could possibly need and could never ask for me
This past Saturday seemed like the perfect day. My family and I sat around the kitchen table playing cards, reminiscing and laughing. There bags of chips laying around, various containers of dips and homemade cookies. I engaged in what I admire most-- intuitive eating. I ate, passed a card, told a joke, ate some more, without any hesitation, doubt, or worry. For the first time in a very long time, I was the me I used to love. I have realized that food is what, quite literally, brings people together. We all lead such busy, independent lives that when it's time to sit down for a meal, everyone becomes one. Our problems are (or 'should be') left at the door and smiles slowly peer open. I know eating certain foods won't harm me, I guess I've been too stubborn to accept that. I was too afraid to let go of the ED--something that was once my only way to cope escape from my problems or worries. But I'm better than that. 
Recovery is about choice. My choice is to work hard and get passed recovery. I want to be recovered. I've been searching for something that doesn't exist-- perfection. But the reality is, I have it all right before my very eyes. I am ready to accept my ADD, knowing I may not always get the multiple choice exam score I'd like. And there will be many more "Oh no, I forgots" and "Oops, I'm so sorry's" But if you can live with it, so can I. And if not, you better hit the road, Jack, and don't come back. It's time to make something from myself. My life is waiting for me, and so is my diploma. In reference to Jenni Schafer I would like to express, "Goodbye ED, Hello Me". And you know what else? I'm going to have a plate of chicken. What the hell.

Is it going to be hard? Yes. Will I give into ED? Probably. Do I still have much to learn from my past and how it's influenced the person I am today? Yes. Am I going back to school? I just don't know. But I did get back up to my minimum goal weight, and I couldn't help but smile :) My psychiatrist told me I have a gift as she said, "maybe this time off from school could be towards your advantage? Would you allow me to share some of your writing with other patients? Maybe you could impact others-- by writing a book." I was stunned, but flattered (see?! I can own compliments!)




Since I am Jewish, this Christmas day will be spent at the movies, going out for Chinese and then over to my neighbor's for dessert. It's the best day of the year. And tonight, I plan on kicking my sister's butt at Wii. To those who are observant, I wish you a a very merry, healthy and joyful Christmas. Love you all from the bottom of my heart.





Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”-- Chuck Palahniuk


P.S. this is for your enjoyment, hopefully it makes you smile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZX7H-ggCo0&feature=topvideos


38 comments:

  1. That's the spirit! You rock ;)

    And yes, for cookies: GO BIG OR GO HOME! :)

    Merry Xmas!

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  2. Beautiful post. You are a very talented writer. I also love Chuck Palahniuk quote. He's one of my favorite authors.

    Have a fun day tomorrow! Sounds like it will be a blast. Keep strong, I know you can beat this.

    Love,
    Lexi

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  3. You are indeed SO much more than ED gives you credit you! You are beautiful, smart and incredibly talented!!

    Merry Christmas Rebecca!

    xx

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  4. Beautiful post, thank you. Hope you had a great hanukkah!
    xx
    jillian

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  5. You ARE beautiful. Your life is your own, and it's offering a plethora of opportunities for the taking. And you, you are taking those opportunities. Opportunities to live, laugh and love. Love life, and love yourself.
    You are an inspiration. That's all I can say.

    Have an amazing day and night. You deserve it.

    All my love, support and best wishes,
    Eleanor. xo

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  6. Oh wow. Amazing, powerful post. I agreed with everything you said...more importantly, if GOD loves us and says we are precious, who are we to disagree with our Creator, right?

    I know you're Jewish, but still...whatever you do...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

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  7. I love you and this post :)
    Enjoy the Chinese and probably now, dessert!!

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  8. This is such a lovely and beautiful post, I'm honestly at a loss for words. I agree with your psychiatrist. It's true, you are MUCH more than an eating disorder. You are gifted in so many ways including writing and could definitely pen a very inspiring and REAL book. I would for sure be the first person in line to buy it!
    Wishing my fellow non Christmas celebrator a relaxing and fun Christmas day ;)

    Rachael*

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  9. This is such an uplifting post. I'm so happy to see you owning the beauty that is YOU.

    Have fun tomorrow!

    <3 <3

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  10. YES! I loved reading this post, beautiful and inspirational. i agree with your psychiatrist, you should write a book! i'd be first in line to buy it :)

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  11. :) :) :)
    my mom said something to me last night, she said "you decided you weren't going to eat, that you were going to hide behind food, you had a difficult year, but you are the only one who can change how you feel, you have to want to change."
    you realized this, you are a wonderful person, you are so beautiful!
    pick a good movie tomorrow :) & write a book. do it. pretty please ;)
    merry christmas, ha i say that just for giggles
    xoxo

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  12. enjoy your jewish christmas :) i'm hoping for something simliar ! & this post made me smile- you are doing amazingly. keep up the positive attitude. i truly wish you the best.

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  13. Your words have so much strength and conviction - reading this left me so incredibly inspired. Thank you =)

    Have an amazing holiday - Enjoy your Chinese food (so jealous) and enjoy every bite of dessert :) You deserve to live an amazing life full of happiness, love, and laughter. I am thrilled to hear that you recognize this, and your efforts to recover will not go unnoticed.

    Keep up the amazing work..!
    xox
    Tat

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  14. your psychiatrist is right, you are such a beautiful writer. i know i'm in a different place than you are now, but i am still captivated by your words. you have a lot of talents and so much support around you - you're a part of so many things, as small as your immediate family all the way out to the jewish community around the world. like you said, you don't need an ed to hold your hand because you've got so many people who care about you, and on top of that, you've got yourself. just keep holding on to that.

    happy movies and chinese food day. :) my fam does movies and indian - can't wait for it!

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  15. Good for you! I'm glad to hear it sounds like things are looking up!

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  16. You have done it again my friend. You write to the point that I am left...speechless.
    I admire, adore and respect you. I know a lot of what you say...you help me far more than you might realize. For that...your existence and words mean something, no?...to evoke hope in others?
    merry day to you.

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  17. Amazing, inspiring post :) I hope you have a wonderful day with your family.

    xoxo

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  18. you are so amazing and beautiful my dear. you deserve to be in recovery and enjoy your life. you have so much potential and so much life ahead of you. if you only knew how much you inspire the rest of us, you might truly understand how incredible you really are. stay strong lovie! you are the best.
    LOVEEEE,
    Becca

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  19. you are a beautiful person and have so much to offer this world, love! have a great day!

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  20. What a wonderful, inspiring post. :) Merry Christmas!

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  21. Wonderful post. I really appreciate how open and honest you are. You should add: Amazing Blogger to the list :)

    Keep your head up and find a reason to smile today...Chinese food!!!

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  22. thank you so much for your comment! omg. i've been lurking around yours...hahhah beautiful? nahhhhh.

    =D
    i'll post up stuff tomorrow! =D

    hit me on facebook or gchat too!

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  23. have a wonderful time with your family! i'm celebrating x-mas with my jewish family right now.

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  24. Yes! I'm SO happy for you for coming to this realisation, it will stick and you will rediscover life I know it! I hope today was all you hoped for.
    Love xoxo

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  25. I have actually been reading your blog for awhile, :) I think you are such an inspiration also! you have such a drive- and I know you can do it! you will succeed! I believe in you!

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  26. This is so inspiring!! I love this post - keep on writing and beating ED, my friend :)

    xoxo

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  27. This was an amazing thing to read...You really could write an inspiring book. It sounds like things are all starting to line up for you and you know the path you want to take and the obstacles you need to face. I think you're strong and will be able to get through it all!! Hope you had an awesome day with your family :)

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  28. 2010 is going to be a great year for you because you are ready. There's no looking back!

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  29. such a beautiful You should be so proud of yourself!!!!

    Chinese fooddddddddd!! I have so many Jewish friends, and I love that tradition.

    Have a wonderful night Rebecca!

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  30. i love your writing...chinese and a movie is a pretty great plan regardless of the day of the year.

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  31. I agree, you are a beautiful writer. God has definitely given you a gift. You've made some very wise reflections in such an eloquent way. :-)

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  32. Yay baby cakes! You are going to have such a great 2010!!!

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  33. Yay baby cakes! You are going to have such a great 2010!!!

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  34. beautiful post hun. Love the I Am list, believe picture, hope this new year brings many great surprises for you.
    XO
    Laci ;)

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  35. What a wonderful post ~ it's great to see you appreciating all the aspects of the lovely person you clearly are.

    Thanks so much for the comment: the offer is mutual and my e-mail's beyondbananas@tiscali.co.uk.

    Continue to have a fabulous holiday :)

    <3

    xoxo

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  36. Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. Sounds like you're on the right track!

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  37. Girl, this' one beautiful, gorgeous, rockin' post.

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  38. This post simply RADIATES with optimism...I LOVE it!!!!

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