"As I rolled on, the sky grew dark.
I put the pedal down, to make some time.
There's somethin' good, waiting down this road.
I'm pickin' up whatever's mine."
After an emotionally challenging week, I was anxious for my weekend getaway to begin. I was cruising down I-95, singing and dancing along to Christmas tunes (and providing a good laugh for the cars around me) with a smile on my face. I couldn't help but think about my gratitude for the brilliant, beautiful people who have given up part of their lives to help save mine. And I could not wait to see my gorgeous cousins followed by a stay with a friend in D.C. Yes, my weekend was going to be memorable-- a step in the right direction.
Less than 36 hours later I found myself on the interstate, once again, heading north-- Yes, north. All I wanted was a chance to escape for a while. I wanted to feel good and I wanted to think purely. But I suppose that wasn't in the cards for this trip. I was disappointed, let down and embarrassed. I felt feel like a fool; 'You should have known better, Rebecca.' The dark, quiet journey home seemed infinite. I thought I'd never make it to the end of the tunnel. But alas, I did. And when I pulled into the driveway, I wanted nothing more than to hide under the covers, fall asleep and dream of an alternate reality. The reality of the situation is difficult for me to accept because I was let down, I am alone and on my own. Yep, I'm stuck with myself and I am angry. Nonetheless, I am me, which must be enough, right? Vulnerability does not equate to weakness, and as reinforced by my best friend, Carly, I was reminded that I am anything but weak and dependent (though I feel contrarily so).
Despite the pain I feel deep within my heart and soul, I have found a way to learn from and accept the experience. Though I may not comprehend what happened this weekend, strength was on my side. I stood up for and took care of myself-- this time, I put myself first (something which doesn't happen very often). And I have no regrets nor do I feel any guilt. I may have been shot, but I am certain all wounds heal, as my strength is restored.
This post is disorganized and scattered-minded because there is a whirlwind of twisted thoughts I am trying to sort through. Truth be told, I am tired. Tired of being strong, and tired of trying. But I suppose this is the reality I am so afraid to face. Giving up would only result in an extended absence from school, my friends and my life, so I 'have to' try. I feel forced to proceed.
My goal for today is to embrace the new week without holding grudges. I will try to let it be, and let all battle wounds heal, remembering everything happens for a reason. I will start the day enjoying a bowl of my interpretation on classic s'mores-- uh, YUM.
The light at the end of the tunnel increasingly faints every day...
...though I'm sure I'll reach it.
As Anna Nalick sang, "There's a light at each end of the tunnel, you
shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out."