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Sunday, December 13, 2009

EDIT: Shot, but not scarred.

"As I rolled on, the sky grew dark.
I put the pedal down, to make some time.
There's somethin' good, waiting down this road.
I'm pickin' up whatever's mine."
-Tom Petty

After an emotionally challenging week, I was anxious for my weekend getaway to begin. I was cruising down I-95, singing and dancing along to Christmas tunes (and providing a good laugh for the cars around me) with a smile on my face. I couldn't help but think about my gratitude for the brilliant, beautiful people  who have given up part of their lives to help save mine. And I could not wait to see my gorgeous cousins followed by a stay with a friend in D.C. Yes, my weekend was going to be memorable-- a step in the right direction.

Less than 36 hours later I found myself on the interstate, once again, heading north-- Yes, north. All I wanted was a chance to escape for a while. I wanted to feel good and I wanted to think purely. But I suppose that wasn't in the cards for this trip. I was disappointed, let down and embarrassed. I felt feel like a fool; 'You should have known better, Rebecca.' The dark, quiet journey home seemed infinite. I thought I'd never make it to the end of the tunnel. But alas, I did. And when I pulled into the driveway, I wanted nothing more than to hide under the covers, fall asleep and dream of an alternate reality. The reality of the situation is difficult for me to accept because I was let down, I am alone and on my own. Yep, I'm stuck with myself and I am angryNonetheless, I am me, which must be enough, right? Vulnerability does not equate to weakness, and as reinforced by my best friend, Carly, I was reminded that I am anything but weak and dependent (though I feel contrarily so).

Despite the pain I feel deep within my heart and soul, I have found a way to learn from and accept the experience. Though I may not comprehend what happened this weekend, strength was on my side. I stood up for and took care of myself-- this time, I put myself first (something which doesn't happen very often). And I have no regrets nor do I feel any guilt. I may have been shot, but I am certain all wounds heal, as my strength is restored.

This post is disorganized and scattered-minded because there is a whirlwind of twisted thoughts I am trying to sort through. Truth be told, I am tired. Tired of being strong, and tired of trying. But I suppose this is the reality I am so afraid to face. Giving up would only result in an extended absence from school, my friends and my life, so I 'have to' try. I feel forced to proceed.

My goal for today is to embrace the new week without holding grudges. I will try to let it be, and let all battle wounds heal, remembering everything happens for a reason. I will start the day enjoying a bowl of my interpretation on classic s'mores-- uh, YUM.

The light at the end of the tunnel increasingly faints every day...
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...though I'm sure I'll reach it.
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Eventually.
As Anna Nalick sang, "There's a light at each end of the tunnel, you
shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out."


16 comments:

  1. " Tired of being strong. Tired of trying".
    Your posts make much sense to me.
    You have yourself, and you have others here that believe in you.
    Its a long journey, no? I am so fed up with it. Another year of my life gone...and nothing...and 2011 before I pick up any pieces...a long ways to go...just getting through the hours, and knowing this is the process.
    Keep crawling forward.

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  2. you've got this. its really hard when things don't happen as we hope or plan for them. but when they don't its not the end of the world, even though it feels like it.
    its okay that you're tired, but as you know stopping won't make the feeling go away, it won't make things better.
    sending mucho love! i'm here if you need anything at all!
    hope you have a lovely monday :)
    xoxo
    (ps if you would like a little giggle, i figured out how to get my video to work...)

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  3. ps--i hope the s'mores interpretation is delicious, because you deserve it :)

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  4. YOU WILL REACH IT! Continue having faith! Your posts makes perfect sense to me. I can completely relate.

    The phrase 'let it be' reminds me of The Beatles song and has inspired me to listen to them this morning.

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  5. i know you can do this rebecca :) thank you so much for your ecouraging & understanding words on my blog.. it helps to know there is someone out there who can totally relate :)
    smores interpretation=amaazing

    xoxo
    shelley

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  6. You can do it hun! You are strong! Keep taking steps forward because going backwards gets you no where!!! I know you are able and willing and brave enough to do it!

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  7. Keep going sweet girl, you can do this! Recovery IS tiring and all-consuming, so its natural for us to feel exhausted. But it doesn't mean your weak, or incapable of reaching that goal. Believe in yourself my love!

    Hannah XO.

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  8. girl, please keep pushing through-i have felt everything you are going thru and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.. i have faith in you and im praying for you.. i hope that doesnt sound weird, but i am girl!

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  9. I'm SURE you'll reach that light too!! Your determination is admirable and will definitely see you through this journey!!

    xx

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  10. Hello Rebecca,

    I tumbled across your blog and wanted to tell you how beautiful and inspiring is. I am excited to read more about you and your recovery.

    Collee

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  11. There is something strongly human about struggling with something. For some reason it makes the process beautiful to me, especially seeing how someone else is experiencing it. I have felt the same way...tired of fighting aand just made at myself, mad at the ed, made at the people around me for not being able to just make it stop.
    Congratulations for taking the time to honor and take care of yourself with some smores. That really is the only way to live through this.
    P.S. Have you done any art therapy lately? I may do some today.

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  12. You will get through this because you ARE strong and you cannot give up. You will get through this because you are right, you must put yourself first and take care of yourself before others. You are an inspiration to many.

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  13. You have an amazing story.
    You are fighting, which means that you are stronger than you think and your ability to struggle to reach that light at the end of the tunnel is inspiring. :-) Struggle on and keep fighting.

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  14. Rebecca, NEVER give in and NEVER give up. You have come SO far. Never, ever forget everything you have done to get to this point. There are very few people out there who could even imagine, let alone handle everything you've gone through. Unless you've personally experienced an ED, as you and I have, you can't even begin to comprehend the thoughts and intense battles that must be fought each and every day. Always know that I am waiting for you at the other end of the tunnel and giving you constant support!

    xxoo
    Heather

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  15. You can do this. Honesty and determination will bring you towards the light. Keep staying strong girl! I am there:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  16. keep going becca, try not to let your mind take over and you should be right ;) easier said than done, yes, but ultimately it's the only way out and will make you stronger in the end.
    xo

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