Today, my fate will be determined. I will finally find out whether or not I can return to school in January for spring semester. My fingers are crossed and I am warmed by the purple scarf Brittni gave me with hope it will assure some luck. Yesterday I was quite baffled when I stepped on the scale at my nutritionist's office. She sighed and gave me a look that suggested with disappointment, "Rebecca, what happened?!". It's incredible how easily my weight fluctuates. And what's more phenomenal is how easily my mind plays tricks on me. I thought, for sure, I had gained weight over the past week-- there were very minimal (if any) doubts. I suppose it takes time for the delusions to disappear. When I woke up this morning, rather than panic about the weight loss and its effect on today's decision, I made sure to engage in several yoga poses-- to keep me grounded. Alas, the moment has finally come. I am about to be granted or denied my freedom towards a better life. Despite any decision, I must remember to stay grounded. And to breathe.
(to be continued)...
...I'm back. I'm overwhelmed. I did not stay grounded. Tears were shed, voices were raised, hope was lost. I feel like a failure (though I know deep down I am not). Are all chances of going back to my life gone? I hope not. Can I do it? I sure hope so. Am I scared? Definitely. Today I was told I have to reach my minimum goal weight in two weeks time, if I should be allowed to return to school. If I don't reach that goal, my team, family and I will have to consider other options. The words 'residential' and 'Princeton' came up too often and started to sound too convincing. To be honest, I have to gain quite a bit of weight and I am terrified. But I will do everything I possibly can to try and reach their benchmark. I am an emotional mess right now (it's ugly, trust me), so I've decided I am going to take some time (aka until I feel inspired again--could be just a few days, heh) away from writing to fully focus on recovery and reality. Am I truly ready to return to school? Do I need a higher level of care? How am I going to reach this goal weight in two weeks? There is great uncertainty in this short amount of time.
I appreciate the continued support from friends (bloggers included!) and family. You all have helped me get this far, and I need you to stick with me over the next couple of weeks. Feel free to e-mail/facebook/call me anytime, as I hope to grow and maintain a relationship with each and every one of you. For those who find themselves struggling, just remember this:
Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.
Don't forget to smile.