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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Times of Uncertainty

The moment I wake up, before I let my mind wander into the depths of my imagination, I place both feet firmly into the floor and raise my arms as straight and high as I can. This very basic stretch reminds me to stay grounded. When I am grounded, I am present.

Today, my fate will be determined. I will finally find out whether or not I can return to school in January for spring semester. My fingers are crossed and I am warmed by the purple scarf Brittni gave me with hope it will assure some luck. Yesterday I was quite baffled when I stepped on the scale at my nutritionist's office. She sighed and gave me a look that suggested with disappointment, "Rebecca, what happened?!". It's incredible how easily my weight fluctuates. And what's more phenomenal is how easily my mind plays tricks on me. I thought, for sure, I had gained weight over the past week-- there were very minimal (if any) doubts. I suppose it takes time for the delusions to disappear. When I woke up this morning, rather than panic about the weight loss and its effect on today's decision, I made sure to engage in several yoga poses-- to keep me grounded. Alas, the moment has finally come. I am about to be granted or denied my freedom towards a better life. Despite any decision, I must remember to stay grounded. And to breathe.
 Yoga and Pilates in ...
(to be continued)...

...I'm back. I'm overwhelmed. I did not stay grounded. Tears were shed, voices were raised, hope was lost. I feel like a failure (though I know deep down I am not). Are all chances of going back to my life gone? I hope not. Can I do it? I sure hope so. Am I scared? Definitely. Today I was told I have to reach my minimum goal weight in two weeks time, if  I should be allowed to return to school. If I don't reach that goal, my team, family and I will have to consider other options. The words 'residential' and 'Princeton' came up too often and started to sound too convincing. To be honest, I have to gain quite a bit of weight and I am terrified. But I will do everything I possibly can to try and reach their benchmark. I am an emotional mess right now (it's ugly, trust me), so I've decided I am going to take some time (aka until I feel inspired again--could be just a few days, heh) away from writing to fully focus on recovery and reality. Am I truly ready to return to school? Do I need a higher level of care? How am I going to reach this goal weight in two weeks? There is great uncertainty in this short amount of time. 

I appreciate the continued support from friends (bloggers included!) and family. You all have helped me get this far, and I need you to stick with me over the next couple of weeks. Feel free to e-mail/facebook/call me anytime, as I hope to grow and maintain a relationship with each and every one of you. For those who find themselves struggling, just remember this:
Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.
--Mario Andretti

Thanks again, hope to be back soon.-- Don't forget to smile. 


  1. You are, under no circumstances, a failure.
    You should keep in mind that you weren't told you can't go to school - you have the chance to make it. The whole thought of having to gain a certain (and scary) amount of weight puts a damper on it, sure, and you might begin to doubt yourself, but it is possible. And if you really put everything you've got into it, you will achieve it.
    I really have no place telling you what to do, and I wont. But I believe in you, and deep down you believe you can do it, too. You're brave, strong, intelligent, determined. You've got it in you, I know it.

    I wish you all the best. Do what feels right for you; you deserve happiness.

    All my love,
    Eleanor. xo

  2. You have such positivity. Your determination is so clear in all that you write that I don't doubt that you have the strength to do this. I know it sounds so frightening but if you really want it you can achieve this. But please don't put too much pressure on yourself, if you don't manage this on your own then you'll get the help you need to make this journey and get your life back. Life will be better, just have hope.
    I'm going to wake up every morning and do that stretch- stay grounded. Don't let ed pull you away from life.
    Lots of love, sending hugs and courage.

  3. I know that you will inevitably decide what is right for you, because you above anyone else knows whats best for you!

    I have complete faith in you and know that you are fully capable of reaching any goal you set for yourself. You are an incredible woman to share your journey and sometimes it's good to take time for yourself.

    God bless and xo

  4. rebecca, the thing about ED is that i think we all know what it takes to get in the right direction, it is just so hard for us to do it for whatever reason. rebecca i want you to go back to school. i want you to get the happiness you deserve. please, just say "screw you" adn eat foods that you think are off limits! i haveno doubt you can do this. email me if you want to talk. i know im struggling too & i am by no means healed, but i really want to be there for you! i just am so sad that you have to go through this :( you are a beautiful girl inside and out and you deserve to be happy. love you! thinking/wishing you the best


  5. hahah i feel like a freak. i facebooked you as soon as u wrote me that comment. it's becuase i freakin am so bored studying right now haha


  6. first of all, thank you for your continued beautiful and kind comments to me - they mean so much.

    i know that you can do this. nobody but YOU defines what you can and cannot do. not ed, not parents, not friends, not doctors, no one. feeling like your fate is in someone else's hands is one of the least motivating things - but you have the power to prove yourself here. it might be scary and uncertain, but life is always scary and uncertain. (post-college life taught me that. :)) i promise that it's better to be alive, independent, and in control of your own destiny than at someone else's mercy. grab hold of the next 2 weeks and do it, so you can find that independence again. you have the strength, i'm sure of it.

    please, please, please email me if you need support. i am here for you, and i really believe in you. xoxo.

  7. rebecca my love, do not lose faith in yourself. you are strong enough to do this, i know it. you deserve to go back to school, be happy, be surrounded by friends and fun! ED cannot ruin this for you if you decide you wont let it.
    the weight gain may seem scary and impossible, but you CAN do it - you have the courage and determination.
    please stay strong and focussed over the next few weeks. this is a difficult time, but you will get through it. and i am here if ever you need me :)

    hannah xo

  8. ps, you are so beautiful! your smile is simply radiant.

  9. Hi! Thanks for checking out my blog. I really like your blog and am looking forward to following you on your journey.

    You deserve to be in school. Don't let your old negative feelings come back and let you think otherwise. Hang in there :)

  10. Hey! Added you to my blog reader, can't wait to read more! I just read your story on the side of your page, be proud of who you are today. I hope that you don't need a higher level of care, but remember it's ok to put things on hold to take care of yourself.

  11. you are beautiful girl! you deserve to be in school-take the plunge and you will be SO thankful you did. KEEP PUSHING THROUGH..its so worth it love!

  12. keep going becca! make tonnes of pro/con's lists and refer to them in every waking hour. rent out some funny dvd's, meditate, yoga etc..and try not to feed ED with all the overwhelming feelings you're experiencing right now.

  13. thanks for being so honest and real and for sharing your thoughts! I'm sure your positive and determined attitude is going to help you go soooo far!...

  14. Keep pushing girl- you know we're all right here supporting you. Much love

  15. Be sure that you remember to smile as well. Follow your own advice! Make sure you do things that make you happy for the next 2 weeks. Sing a lot...a whole lot. I know you love to sing! Feel free to email me with anything at all. I know I don't know you, but I still care about you!

  16. never lose the faith. i know you can do this, i know you can handle it. you are strong and the farthest possible thing from a failure.
    gaining the weight isn't easy. doing what we know is right for us is not easy. the mind rebels and Ed makes it a million times easier to listen to the rebellion. but now is not our time to rebel, and we know it. it just is not easy.
    anything you need i am here. email/facebook/i'd happily make you your own personal video. never hesitate.
    love love love
    cause the best way out is through.

  17. You are so beautiful, inside and out. Your writing is phenomenal too. Stay strong and keep smiling, I believe in you so much.

  18. Good luck, listen to your real voice deep inside. I'm thinking of you. I hope you can chose for health and happiness, because you deserve it so much and sometimes more intensive things need to happen first. I've been there and all I can say: it's worth it!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  19. Beautiful beautiful girl
    I have such a story as life delayed by years...the tears shed from continuous disapointment....the utter disdain and shock of it all...
    but trust me...far far better for you to take the time NOW to get better...dont rush into school...i know know know that is NOT what you want to hear...but trust me....its a good NEED to be whole body, mind, and soul before you can be ANYTHING in this world...there is so much i can say...perhaps i will mail u...and feel free to mail me

  20. Rebecca,

    Thank you so much for following and for the kind words. I really appreciate any support I can get! You are a positive person, and you are strong! And you're not a failure, in any sense of the word, think of this as a moment to grow and learn from any mistakes you may have made. I think that's how I keep myself from freaking out, I know that I'm not a failure, and If I do "fail" I know it means I need to improve something. Think of it as a time of growth my dear! You will succeed!
    and in the words of you:
    Keep smiling!

  21. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I look forward to reading yours more!

  22. Thank you for the comment on my blog!
    Yours is great. Recovering from an eating disorder is hard. It takes a strength that you didnt even know you had. But it is worth every second to finally be free. Gaining the weight back is a struggle to say the least. But you can do it.
    You deserve to be happy. Always remember that.

  23. Oh dear, you have such a beautiful smile. No matter what happens, just keep smiling, knowing that you're loved!!

  24. You my love are not a failure, you are inspiration to many others in the same situation. You are open with your experiences and that helps many!

    I am not sure if you understand or have studied any mind work? Do you visualize? Or use Affirmations? This might help a lot - it takes 30 days for your brain to link the new pathways when you listen to affirmations...this might help with your belief on weight?

    Just a thought love ;)


  25. love you girly. Please stay strong. YOU CAN do it. We are all here for you. You have a smile that lights the world. It lights and warms hearts when people see you smile. get YOUR smile back on, babes. We need your light.

  26. love you <3

    My computer IS figured out.. it now has new settings.. but still. it can function!! I wont be using my computer now though until Im back home from christmas break. I will be on the 'rents comp. tee hee

    computers blow asssss

  27. As long as you're alive you can always get back, just keep fighting!

  28. You are such an inspiration - I'm sorry to hear that you are in a a bit of a rough situation at the moment, but your desire to continue on is absolutely amazing.

    Life is unpredictable - nothing can be forced, and all we can do is try as hard as we can. Regardless of what happens with schooling and your weight fluxuations, you will survive. You are not giving up and that's what truly matters. There are always beautiful oppurtunities lurking behind every corner.. all you have to do is look =)

    Reading your blog has helped me in so many ways, I don't even have the words to describe it. Thank you.


  29. Hey girl, sorry the appointment didn't go as you had hoped it would.
    Continue yoga, treat yourself to purely relaxing YOU TIME everyday, it will do wonders for your emotional state.
    I shall miss your writing as it is so beautiful and inspirational, yet I wish you all the best. Consider your options Rebecca, you have an entire life ahead of you, and so much time to go to school. Failure is not admitting a need for help, maybe taking this semester off to relax get to where you need to be, and hopefully make many leaps emotionally would be best. That way you could start school come September ready to study and focus of LIFE and school!
    Your an inspiration to so many (including me!), take it easy girl. Your in my THOUGHTS and PRAYERS. <3 <3 <3

  30. You always shape up my mood - stay fabulous! xo

  31. I'm sorry about your appointment, just remember that treating yourself with love + respect is the key to happiness and health. Do this for yourself, and seek support through whatever or whoever you need.

    You're strong and beautiful. I love your smile so much :)

  32. hey hun,
    I am sorry for the stupid #s and everything that happened. You are so strong and gorgeous please keep holding on. We are all here supporting you! Hope you have a fairly merry christmas, I know it is hard but you deserve a break, a day of freedom. Hang in there girly!
    Laci ;)

  33. You are SO beautiful!!! I think that's the first photo I've seen of you. I have shed tears in yoga classes too...that's when you know it's really working. Take all the time you need darling. All that matters is your health. That's ALL. You will get used to the weight gain, just give it time. Your perspective will change and you will realize how much better you look and your anxiety will change to happiness. Just hang in there.

  34. Oh Rebecca...your situation reminds me SO much like mine a couple years back. I was sent back home from Northwestern, and asked to gain weight before I came back. I did, but they were still wary of my recovery, and insisted that I give proof that I went to an inpatient program before I was admitted...I was devastated, because there was no way I'm going to a treatment center, and I couldn't pay for it anyway. So I dropped out. And you know what? I got ultra-depressed, and I relapsed really, really bad.

    PLEASE, no matter what, whether you make it or not, keep on fighting. This is not just a school thing. It's your ultimate health and happiness.Remember that your ultimate goal is NOT to go back to school, but to gain recovery for good.

    Even if Northwestern had accepted me, even if I had "gained" the weight...I would NOT have been happy in school. I would have been too obsessed about my ED habits to actually learn to ENJOY school! So remember once again that even though I know you really want to go back, that is not the key concern here.

    Trust me, school will always be there. I thought I would never be able to return to college..but hey, I got accepted to USC, and I went back with a much different mindset and recovery stage...and I am SO happy, because my ED no longer rules me. Thus, I am able to enjoy college to its fullest!

    Again, I emphasize: 2 weeks, or 2 doesn't matter, so long as you reach your REAL goal. Total recovery. And it's possible. Hang on there. Fight the good fight, and you can email me or anything if you want. :-)


  35. So beautifully written. Best wishes as you continue to recover. I know it seems impossibly difficult, but the light you have inside and your beautiful spirit show that you can make it, that you are strong enough to get through whatever difficulties this time will bring.
    love & hugs your way...