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Monday, December 21, 2009

Winter not-so wonderland?

I was an angel, gracefully floating through cotton candy clouds while tasting the sweet flakes as they melted on my tongue. White covered every landscape and object in sight-- it was a winter wonderland, it had to have been, nothing else could possibly amount to the quiet, subtle perfection.. Warmth, love and a smile radiated from within me as it projected, creating a glow around me. Certainly, I was an invincible angel around 6 years of age without a worry in the world. I had me and the fields of cotton candy that would catch me if I fell. That's how my Saturday afternoon was spent.

    Little did I know, all would change with the sun as it set.

Julie & Julia played on the television, a radiant fire warmed the room and I was cuddled up next to my mother and sister buried in blankets. It was the perfect ending to a heavenly day. All of a sudden I started shivering. "Is it cold in here?" "Uhh, no want another blanket?" My mother had a blank yet subconsciously confused look on her face. Why was I the only one who felt the chill in the room? The shivers turned to shakes, causing my joints to hurt. I had to get upstairs and to bed before anyone noticed. But by the time I had reached the top of the stairs, an anxiety/panic (what's the difference?) surfaced, and I was scared. I yelled a subtle and weak scratchy cry for help, thinking, 'oh no, this is what Dr. Stayer warned me of. She said I could go into cardiac arrest. Is this it? Am I dying?' I tried to remain calm, but a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, also known as nausea, warned me I was in trouble. I cried over and over again until my mother found me curled up on my bed, shaking and in tears of desperation. "What's happening to me, mom? Something is not right, I think I need help!" My mother rushed back downstairs to my father, urging him to call the hospital. It was at that moment that an anomalous urge prompted me to envision my life. I actually tried to watch my life flash before my eyes (a little very dramatic, I know). If my eternal fate was near I wanted to be sure my mother was by my side. I called for her in great desperation and fear for my life-- literally. A few moments later I was bundled in a straight jacket of blankets and on my way to the Emergency Room-- ah, my favorite place.. Let the sticking, plugging and needle stabbing begin.

An hour or so later, once my heart rate was brought down to a stable level, I was released and sent home with my parents. Blood tests returned with negative results, fluids were replenished through an IV and the never failing drug, Ativan, eased the anxiety and brought out a silly, loopy Rebecca. Sunday morning I woke up with chills and a 103.5 fever, and I've been sick ever since.

Rather than dramatize my not-so interesting nor 'special' life, I thought about the impact of this winter weekend experience. Earlier today my therapist called and said, "If it's not this, it's something else. It's always something."  It seems all odds are against me. Does fate want me to consider a withdrawal from school yet another semester? It seems every week, there is another force holding me back from successful weight gain and recovery, even when I am motivated. I suppose each challenge that arises reminds me to try that much harder, because God believes I can do it. I received another call today from my dad and he said, "No one will punish you for being sick and unable to eat." I abruptly replied, "Yes, I will be punished. I won't be allowed to go back to school." Concerned now, he preached, "Not if you are sick and can't eat". And you know what I responded with? I (not ED) told my father the excuse just would not do-- it wasn't good enough for me. I promised I'd try my very hardest to gain this weight despite any obstacle.

There are  lessons to be learned from this weekend's experience. First, just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you may fall a little more.. Secondly, when you do fall that extra distance, you'd be amazed at the miraculous appearance of strength. Strength is on your side when all else seems loss, I am sure of it. So when you're going through hell, just keep going. You'll make it-- eventually. And give fate a fighting chance.

"I just looked out my window. And I still saw a winter wonderland."


  1. Wow. This post was moving. You write so incredibly well.

    Feel better and keep fighting.


  2. Rebecca,

    I'm so glad to hear you are okay.
    When all odds are against you there is a strong motivation to prove everyone wrong. You CAN get better, You WILL get better.

    I believe in you.

  3. OMG that is so scary, I'm so thankful you're ok! You're right, Ativan is a never failing drug, haha. But seriously, I hope that you get 100% better really quickly. Sending you good thoughts!

  4. Glad you are okay.

    I love your writing! and the artistic layout of your blog!

    Although I've never had an ED, I've hit rock bottom way more than once with depression. I'm learning to stop looking at it in a negative way. I ask myself "What kind of strength can you gain from this experience to help you through the next one?"

    Remember, all things in life are temporary... change is constant... which means that your circumstances WILL change, and you have the POWER to change them for the better by making the decision to find the light in all the darkness... Often we are fooled into thinking that there are bad moments in our lives...

    "Everything has a purpose, even this... and it's up to you to find it."

    I'm in your corner.

  5. wow girl- im so sorry, i am glad you are okay. please take care of yourself-its not worth it to be scared like that! rest up and take good care love!

  6. There's something to be learned with every experience, and I believe that this was one of the biggest I've heard of. I hope and pray that you get better as soon as possible - you deserve the best of health and happiness, and no less.
    You did a very brave thing - what you said to your Dad is extremely important, and it shows your strength.
    Rest easy, do what's right for you, and you will feel better in no time.

    Love always,
    Eleanor. xo

  7. this was really powerful. i can only imagine what a frightening experience that was, and i'm so happy that you're ok.

    the fact that your motivation is unwavering with so many odds stacked against you really says it all. you're right - you will make it. xoxo!

  8. Beautiful
    I could have ....written something similar....very different...but similar myself...beautiful.
    Instead, I keep writing forced nonsence in an effort to forget my past and troubles.
    You motivate me to let it out and get it god, you say it all so well, so right...
    a winter wonderland of madness...
    you can and will get better
    but you are not a failure...
    i was told i was a failure for years...i refuse to believe it more
    without your health and mind and body, u cannot work or learn, a whole person, and never doubt yourself...

  9. wow. i'm so sorry that you had to go through something so awful :( get well soon, and know, this too shall pass. sending you all my love :)

  10. I'm glad you are okay. I can only imagine how unbelievably scary that was for you. But you are so motivated and strong, I know you can get through this. Hope you feel better soon :)

  11. I honestly don't understand how you can stay so strong and positive through experiences like that. The strength it takes to share such a terrifying experience is phenomenal. Thank you. You both terrified me and inspired me with this post. You are right, no matter how bad things are, they can get worse. But that's the only way we are going to grow and learn, right?
    Keep fighting and staying so strong and beautiful.

  12. I'm sorry you went through this experience!! I hope it just serves as motivation, though... you can do this, even if it does seem like all odds are stacked against you.

    <3 <3

  13. oh becca i hope you're feeling better, try not to diminish the experience as just a dramatic event, it was significant and scary.
    i'm so proud that you aren't letting it hold you back, my dad has said similar things to me and its hard for me to stay stong.
    you're words are beautiful and never forget you are beautiful.
    i'm thinking of you.

  14. oh my goodness, im so sorry you went through this my love. i've lost count of the amount of emergency trips to casualty i've had to make over the past year, and they are the scariest thing you cna imagine :(
    but let this by the final motivator you need to push on through this difficult time to reach towards health. you dont deserve to be living like this, you deserve to be healthy, happy, free, enjoying yourself at school with your friends. dont give up on this goal, because you CAN get there. and you will.

    lots of love, and sending lots of get well wishes <3

    hannah xo

  15. I'm so sorry you had to go through this scary experience. I'm glad you're okay and thank you for sharing it with us. Use it to learn and grow from. You can beat this!!

  16. i adore your writing :) snow is truly such a peaceful thing. that experience osunds so scary but the important thing is you made it througha nd wil always learn from it. you are so strong


  17. I hope that you feel better soon. There are hard times, and there are times when we are able to make it through without much difficulty. Keep believing in yourself, and keep writing, I know you can do this :)

  18. Glad you're ok. And you WILL be ok. Its a long hard fight, but you'll make it out on the other side. Youre strong, and I know you can do it.