The current dilemma: Will I continue to journal? Yes. It keeps me sane. Will I continue to share my thoughts and emotions through this blog? I'm just not sure.
I sit alone in my apartment, contemplating-- thoughts ruminating. Should I continue to blog? What effect may this have on my family, now 300+ miles away and on my friends, most of whom are less than .5 miles away? Surely, I don't want anyone within my support system to be concerned or worried, because for the most part, I am happy. My roommates are the three most amazing girls I have ever met in my life. Every night I lay in bed and think, 'how did I get so lucky?' and thank God for my blessings. Then there are the others whom I share a majority of my life and spend time with on a regular basis. My friends and I have shared many thoughts, feelings and emotions as they continue to support me every step of the way, thus I still can't help but think how grateful I am. I would do anything for each and every one of them, without a doubt. So shouldn't that be enough to keep me motivated and healthy? If I was altruistically appreciative, wouldn't I be able to let ED go... for good? 'What is wrong with me?!' I cry to God at night. Something is missing, there is still a void within me, though I have yet to determine just what it is.
This past week I've been displacing a lot of my own concerns onto my roommates and friends. I worry about their health, happiness and overall well-being more than I should, perhaps as a defense mechanism (oh, the psych major in me). As I continue to explore this displacement I recall back to this past summer. I was worried, obsessed even, about my family's health. I constantly concerned myself with what and how much they ate. "I just want you to be healthy and live a looong life," I'd exclaim to my mother. However now as I find myself in a similar predicament, I can't help but wonder the significance of this trend. On the surface it may appear I'm a concerned friend wanting only the best, perhaps so they don't ever have to experience what I went through. But what if there's a greater meaning? Could I be jealous or envious of the healthy life they lead? Or could I just be displacing focus and attention off of myself and instead onto them? Whatever the reason, I know I must try and retain the focus on my own health and happiness. I try to put my well-being above all, but this is something I've struggled with for years. I give myself up for others too easily.
I'd rather not write in great detail my thoughts and emotions as an attempt to minimize worry and concerns from any loved ones, because I am doing well. I enjoy my classes, I'm singing again, the girl I babysit for is absolutely precious and puts a smile on my face and I adore waking up to my beautiful roommates (and the smell of coffee). However, not to be ignored is this subtle tension and pressure which follow wherever I go and an emptiness that trails close behind. I'm not sure where my journey leads, but I will proceed one step at a time, with hope. In fact, my first restorative step of hope will take me to Amazing Yoga-- I've missed it!