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Monday, January 11, 2010

The current dilemma: Will I continue to journal? Yes. It keeps me sane. Will I continue to share my thoughts and emotions through this blog? I'm just not sure.

I sit alone in my apartment, contemplating-- thoughts ruminating. Should I continue to blog? What effect may this have on my family, now 300+ miles away and on my friends, most of whom are less than .5 miles away? Surely, I don't want anyone within my support system to be concerned or worried, because for the most part, I am happy. My roommates are the three most amazing girls I have ever met in my life. Every night I lay in bed and think, 'how did I get so lucky?' and thank God for my blessings. Then there are the others whom I share a majority of my life and spend time with on a regular basis. My friends and I have shared many thoughts, feelings and emotions as they continue to support me every step of the way, thus I still can't help but think how grateful I am. I would do anything for each and every one of them, without a doubt. So shouldn't that be enough to keep me motivated and healthy? If I was altruistically appreciative, wouldn't I be able to let ED go... for good? 'What is wrong with me?!' I cry to God at night. Something is missing, there is still a void within me, though I have yet to determine just what it is.

This past week I've been displacing a lot of my own concerns onto my roommates and friends. I worry about their health, happiness and overall well-being more than I should, perhaps as a defense mechanism (oh, the psych major in me). As I continue to explore this displacement I recall back to this past summer. I was worried, obsessed even, about my family's health. I constantly concerned myself with what and how much they ate. "I just want you to be healthy and live a looong life," I'd exclaim to my mother. However now as I find myself in a similar predicament, I can't help but wonder the significance of this trend. On the surface it may appear I'm a concerned friend wanting only the best, perhaps so they don't ever have to experience what I went through. But what if there's a greater meaning? Could I be jealous or envious of the healthy life they lead? Or could I just be displacing focus and attention off of myself  and instead onto them? Whatever the reason, I know I must try and retain the focus on my own health and happiness. I try to put my well-being above all, but this is something I've struggled with for years. I give myself up for others too easily.

I'd rather not write in great detail my thoughts and emotions as an attempt to minimize worry and concerns from any loved ones, because I am doing well. I enjoy my classes, I'm singing again, the girl I babysit for is absolutely precious and puts a smile on my face and I adore waking up to my beautiful roommates (and the smell of coffee). However, not to be ignored is this subtle tension and pressure which follow wherever I go and an emptiness that trails close behind. I'm not sure where my journey leads, but I will proceed one step at a time, with hope. In fact, my first restorative step of hope will take me to Amazing Yoga-- I've missed it!

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke


  1. i think i understand what you're saying. i used to worry so much about my families' health. my dad especially. he smokes and eats a lot of processed crap and he's in remission from prostate cancer. i used to get so mad at him for smoking that i wouldn't talk to him for long periods of time. but these days, i just know i have to let go. you can't control what other people think and do. i can try to tell my dad that his bad habits affect me, and i have, but in the end it's all up to him. each of us has to take responsibility for our own health and lives. we also have to remember that there is more to being healthy than just eating healthy food. there's been countless examples of people living to 100 while still eating daily meat, eggs, cheese, white flour, etc., and smoking. although these may be a minority, you can't count them out. i think the number one good-health factor is mindset and spirituality; having a positive outlook and enjoying life free of worry (mostly). anyways, i really hope that you keep blogging! it's your choice though. you have to do what's most beneficial to you. make happiness your number one priority in life and you'll be fine :)

  2. i'm so glad you are having a good time and still on track my dear :] the blogging world will be here for you whenever you need to vent but do not feel pressured to write if you do not truly want to. do whatever it is you need to do. you come first my darling.
    it is so frustrating how we so easily give ourselves up for others, yet can't seem to help ourselves much. i totally get where you are coming from. hopefully we can learn how to care for ourselves better in the future. you deserve the best. stay strong darling and again, i'm so happy for you that you are back at school!

  3. miss you :)
    first off i am so happy to hear you're doing well & settling back in nicely with your roommates. & i totally clicked on the amazing yoga link! girl you have me so damn jealous, i can't wait to find a yoga studio like that, you better enjoy it just for me ;)
    to blog or not to blog that is the question. ah i find myself asking the same thing...definitely some evaluating to do...
    displacement, interesting, i do it too sometimes...i really worry a lot about people when they mention not feeling well, but ultimately i think that is concern for myself as i don't want to get sick. man i'm selfish. totally working on it.
    keep singing & living beautiful. take what life has and run with it. you'll find what your looking for, all in good time.
    love love :)
    & you never know there may be another video in your future ;)

  4. Missed your posts!
    I'm so drawn to your blog because you remind me so much of myself not too long ago... (even though I didn't struggle with ED)... I just want to tell you that you are going to be okay... I blogged a few days ago about a meditation I did that helped me... Maybe it will help you to. DEFINITELY go to yoga...

    Stay strong girl! There is a light... you just need to let it in. :)


  5. I support you in whatever you decide to do, involving the blog and your recovery. You are the one who needs to decide what is best for you right now.

    Love ya,
    Stay Strong,

  6. I think it's a good choice to stay positive in your posts. It can be hard to read about others hardships and feel as though here is nothing you can REALLY do. I try to keep things positive, every once in a while I have things I need to say, but for the most part I try to keep things positive.

    I think it's a great idea! I'm glad you're back at school too! Congrats

  7. Whether you decide to blog about your recovery, yoga, music, whatever - or not blog at all, I'll be here and more than willing to listen. I'm glad you're adjusting to being back at school and can relate to the projection of worrying about the health and happiness of others. I do believe your concerns about other people are coming from a caring place. Just remember what they say on the airplanes, to put on your own mask before your child's. You have to take care of yourself in order to be any help to others.
    Congrats on being back at school!


  8. selfishly i hope you continue blogging, but ultimately only you know what is best for you! i'm glad to hear that you're doing well. it can be hard to put yourself first when you've spent your life giving yourself up for the needs of others, but it's never to late to change!

  9. i almost forgot how much i mised your posts :-D you have such an amazing way of expressing your feelings. i didn't know you were a psych macjor!! i think i'm going to be one. do you like it?? & i am so glad you love your roommates and are content, but i know what you mean about the 'void'. i think it is a part of the recovery. please take care of yourself, love. i'm thinking of you!


  10. im glad you are still keeping track my dear. And I agree. You really do have an amazing way of expressing your feelings :) You are incedible.

  11. aww girl let me know if you need anything. im a psych major too btw!! i struggled a lot freshman year as well. prayers your way!

  12. Good to hear from you! I agree about being too concerned about others, it can be so related to ED...
    Do what's the best for you and your recovery right now. Please know I am there for you!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  13. Hey you! I do have one request. Keep writing on here. I want to know about your adventures and what is going on with you. At the very least, shoot me a comment on my blog or send me an email! I am so happy that you have awesome roommates. Mine made me move out when I needed them the most. So you definately are one lucky girl. And you really are so strong. Have fun singing and being you!

  14. what a great quote! I've never heard it but it's so wise!

  15. whatever you choose to do, I've very much enjoyed scrolling through From Here To There. your posts are so well-written, inspiring, and... REAL.

    so happy you are happy with school, your roommates, the smell of coffee ;) etc.! <3