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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Indecision 2010


I don't understand why my brain has to send so many mixed signals.


Do you ever feel like people are looking at you? Like you're the token 'sick girl'? Yesterday at the gym I felt like I was being judged, not for looking fat or in great shape, but for looking too thin-- for looking like the girl you want to give a cheeseburger to. I tried to dismiss the looks and convince myself I was being paranoid, but after my run, I raced back down to the locker room in tears. The moment I got home I headed right to the kitchen and began to eat. And eat. And eat. Until I felt 'full'. I had forgotten what fullness felt like. At that point I just sat and cried. I don't want to be the 'sick girl', I want to be toned and healthy. But after the binge, I was angry at myself-- correction, ED was angry and made me promise to refrain from peanut butter for the next two days. I feel like I can't win. I'm miserable when I'm too thin yet I'm angry when I'm closer to my 'goal weight'. This constant tug of war drives me mad. And it's tiring, both physically and mentally.

Exhaustion does not justify the physical and mental state I find myself in. I struggle to find a balance between a social life and independence. I know it's important to be open and honest with friends and family, but sometimes I want to be alone. I want to enjoy the company of my own misery every once in a while, is that such a crime? (Meant to be a rhetorical question because, yes it can be detrimental). Isolation is not healthy, for anyone's sanity. I apologize if what I'm about to write is offensive or rude and I can't stress enough how appreciative I am to have such loyal friends, but sharing my tribulations and struggles to many people multiple times a day can be exhausting. What's more, I've noticed I dwell far too much as I am constantly reminded of negative thoughts about food, weight or body image-- especially because those are such superficial aspects of the eating disorder.


But perhaps what's truly insane is the way the mind works. The distortions I see in the mirror may change hourly. I wake up in the morning feeling fit and happy, but by mid-afternoon I am anxious to get to the gym. So what happens between breakfast and 3pm? Life happens. Typically, I'm in class from 10am until 1pm and then proceed to have lunch. Following lunch I try to do schoolwork or run necessary errands before going to the gym (if it's a gym day). I wonder if I'm propelled to ED thoughts as a means to repress the stresses of the everyday life of a student.

I just wish I could find a happy medium (at least weight wise) and be content. But I am discerned because I know it's not about the weight. Thoughts in forms of extremities tend to overwhelm my mind as I judge life in black and white. Where is the grey I've worked so hard to find? And why can't find the answers to my questions? As I check in with myself, I am troubled by indecision.

"Beauty comes as much from the mind as from the eye." --Grey Livingston







P.S. Is it not ironic that his name is 'Grey'?


14 comments:

  1. very ironic that his name is Grey! your experience at the gym and afterward sounds so painful, i'm sorry you had to go through that. finding the medium is so so hard, but i believe that all of us can do it. you're right, the mixed signals from your brain are the hardest...some consistency would be nice! (if it was consistently HEALTHY messages, that is!)

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  2. Sorry to hear this. I hope you're getting the help you need right now. You shouldn't exercise to be honest...I hope you'll give your body what it needs (enough fuel) and your mind too (rest, and help). Good luck, it's worth it to fight girl! You deserve a free and healthy life:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  3. My mom told me that people used to stare at me all the time when I was sick. I guess I never really noticed because I never realized how bad I looked.

    I think finding a happy medium is one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to do. Especially in a world that is so black or white, all or nothing, it is hard to find the middle, and be satisfied with it. It is hard to settle for average sometimes. But truly, average is where people are the happiest. The middle, is the happy place. And at this point - being happy is all I really care about :)

    Have a great day love.

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  4. Sorry things are feeling overwhelming, hae you considered maybe doing different kinds of exersize....weight training, pilates, yoga? Weights can help build muscle pilates builds lean muscle, so instead of "weight gain" you could focus on "strenth gain" and yoga well that clears your brain! :D
    Today is a new day try to set mini goals everyday maybe today could be something like have 3 balanced meals and x amount of neccissary snacks. Since yyou decided not to have PB for 3 days challenge yourself kids ed's a$$ and have a serving today!
    Enjoying misery does not happen, the mind can think it wants it, but that craving is only a result of the purpose the misery serves...masking some great problem.
    LOVE that quote!! (hehe it is rather ironic his name is grey! :D )
    Hang in there girl, your in my thoughts <3 <3 <3

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  5. I'm sorry about that gym experience... it's kind of what an eating disorder is all about, though, isn't it? Nothing is every "good enough." You'll always be "too" something -- too big, too small. Because it has nothing to do with weight or size.

    Hope you feel better!

    <3 <3

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  6. time to make you a new video love :)
    i feel like people look at me in yoga, i try to focus inward on myself but i notice. the evil ed voice in my head is so effing proud of it, it makes me sick.
    i think a happy medium is the right goal. its necessary and its hard as hell, especially when an extreme-ist point of view is a place you've been for all too long. the quote is right beauty comes from the minds eye, not miles on the treadmill, the size on your jeans. i know you can do this becca, i know you have the motivation, this is just a bump in the road that may never make sense. but you can move forward. don't lose sight of your goals love.
    thinking of you & seriously be on the video lookout.
    love love
    xoxo

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  7. Girl...be careful...I have had to give up all exercise....it hurts me beyond imagination...for over a year..
    and yes the stares...the stares
    Rebecca...stop and ask yourself if u are getting better or moving forward...or are you stuck...u need to be free of this...there has to be more...support...structure...therapy...i dont know...but i hope u come out of this darkness.

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  8. I think the self-judgment is way worse than any judging done by others. And I know all about that staring. I've often felt like I can't win. If I slip too far into anorexia, I'm "that girl," the one who gets horrified glances and looks ill and terrible. If I eat well, if I'm healthy, I feel fat. I guess I figured that I'd be upset either way, so may as well go for the healthy one and wait for logic and emotion to keep pace with each other. Now, I don't care as much about what people think. They probably don't think much of anything, really, and if they do, it's very far from my personal reality, I'm sure. Only you know what you want and what's healthy for you. Don't worry about the "others" out there :)

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  9. i'm sorry you had that overwhelming feeling and hope that today is a better day! there might always be those days but i hope that you have the strength to get through those times when you might feel stressed. hugs babe!

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  10. sorry you are having such a rough day darling. you are so much better than this and i am so proud of you for doing so well in college--don't let your accomplishments go unnoticed!
    take care and keep fighting! some days are just harder than others but you can pick yourself right back up again; it's up to you! you have the power to affect the way you feel. shocking, i know. but it is true :]
    LOVEYOU.

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  11. This post breaks my heart, as I can so relate to your experience at the gym. Either you feel uncomfortable as though everyone must be judging you as too fat, or you are "the sick anorexic girl." It's terrible and so painful. But you are a fighter, and I know you have it in you to find a way out of this mind fuck. I want you to have the happiness and inner peace you deserve so badly, and I know you have the strength to fight for and claim it.

    Rachael*

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  12. Hey babe-

    I hate to admit this- but you post made me realize it- I've definitely judged people I considered 'too thin.' Mainly I think because I was jealous of them. See my ED was different than not eating...I over ate...I would often binge on food. I've always wanted to be thin but I'm recently accepted that I'm beautiful the way I am and I'm killing myself b y constantly binging and...

    Although this is a tough subject your words are raw and real and I thank you for your honestly.

    Hope you are doing better now! We all need to learn and accept and be thankful for what we do have

    xo
    Jocelyn

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  13. To be honest I think everyone is judged on their looks (be it wardrobe,size, hairstyle, makeup etc)and this has actually helped me, knowing that people will always judge you on your appearance and that everything you do is wrong in someones eyes, eventually I came to the conclusion that I have to stop thinking about what other people may think about me and just be happy being me. Now I know it takes a lot of time and it doesn't always work but it does help. I must stress this is just my personal way of handling the paranoia, it may not work for everyone. For a long time every single morsal I put in my mouth I though I was being judged. If I had a salad I automatically thought everyone would think I'm on a diet and I should be because I'm so fat, when infact I was too thin. Then when in recovery eating "normal" food I thought people were thinking "she should eat a million of those she's so anorexic" which I was, but didn't want anyone to know that.
    Sorry to ramble on so much, but your post was really important to me, you really expressed how I used to feel too and I very rarely let out my feelings during my ED. I hope I helped in some way.

    Taylor

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  14. sorry about your fears and hurt and feeling stared at in the gym. i wish i was there to tell those people to mind their own biz.

    ahaha glad you liked the info. YOU ARE TAGGED so you better get on it! =D (i hereby tag you!)

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