I am not oblivious, I know I can't hide the truth from myself forever. I know I am struggling as I deal with various stresses related to school work, family and friends. I also know I'm not always making the right choices. Sometimes I fall asleep hoping to wake up at Princeton's EDU-- because that was the safe place where I knew I could let go of inhibitions and surrender power and control. It's ironic and puzzling to me how badly I could want power and dependence all at once. Everyday is a tug of war. Everyday new conflicts arise.
Despite mixed feelings of euphoria and despair, I must face a fate tomorrow. At 3pm I have an evaluation at the IOP. I know I need it to serve as a safety net for me, I am clearly headed down a dangerous path. However, I don't want it. I guess I'm tugging the rope between wanting to transfer some stress and control over to external authorities and wanting to thrive on instant gratification--some may call it, the ID. Yes, perhaps there is a struggle between my ID and superego. And just maybe, the IOP will resolve this war and make peace with my ego. I hope this rational optimism keeps me motivated and more confident to go tomorrow. But what happens if my weight isn't up to their standards? Will they encourage me to move to partial hospitalization? Will I have to leave Pittsburgh? So many unanswered questions, so much anxiety, so little I can do.
Though I'm confused and overwhelmed, I can publish this post with some certainty-- I need to write more. I need to explore and organize my thoughts in desperation for some clarity. I'll be back.