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Monday, January 18, 2010

Tug of War

I've been too afraid to write--too afraid to be honest with myself, I suppose. Here's what I've discovered to be the truth about control. It's seductive. For the first time in nearly 6 months, I have been detached from the puppet strings I was so closely strung to. There has not been a single person hovering over and evaluating my every move (pun intended). I eat what and when I want, I've reclaimed my ownership to the gym and I haven't been entirely consumed with thoughts related to recovery. Yes, I was seduced by and engrossed with the freedom I had yearned for for so long. The adjustment from life at 'home' to school has been difficult. I am discovering triggers I never knew existed. For instance, I am consumed by thoughts of self comparison with those I pass on my way to class. Suddenly I'm able to spot others who (potentially) have an eating disorder-- kind of like 'Where's Waldo". To be entirely honest (yet vague), I am also triggered in my very own apartment. The invisible forces of pressure and concern weigh over me as I search the refrigerator for something, anything, appetizing yet comfortable safe to eat. Once the decision has been made, I find it difficult to make eye contact with the company I am with, so I try to wait for a time when I can eat alone. It's just easier that way-- perhaps for those I'm with and for myself. 

 I am not oblivious, I know I can't hide the truth from myself forever. I know I am struggling as I deal with various stresses related to school work, family and friends. I also know I'm not always making the right choices. Sometimes I fall asleep hoping to wake up at Princeton's EDU-- because that was the safe place where I knew I could let go of inhibitions and surrender power and control. It's ironic and puzzling to me how badly I could want power and dependence all at once. Everyday is a tug of war. Everyday new conflicts arise.

Despite mixed feelings of euphoria and despair, I must face a fate tomorrow. At 3pm I have an evaluation at the IOP. I know I need it to serve as a safety net for me, I am clearly headed down a dangerous path. However, I don't want it. I guess I'm tugging the rope between wanting to transfer some stress and control over to external authorities and wanting to thrive on instant gratification--some may call it, the ID. Yes, perhaps there is a struggle between my ID and superego. And just maybe, the IOP will resolve this war and make peace with my ego. I hope this rational optimism keeps me motivated and more confident to go tomorrow. But what happens if my weight isn't up to their standards? Will they encourage me to move to partial hospitalization? Will I have to leave Pittsburgh? So many unanswered questions, so much anxiety, so little I can do.

Though I'm confused and overwhelmed, I can publish this post with some certainty-- I need to write more. I need to explore and organize my thoughts in desperation for some clarity. I'll be back.

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much! Remember your motivations, how hard you worked to go to school, don't lose sight of what you've always dreamed.
    Stay strong love.

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  2. sorry about your struggles. i struggle a lot everyday- about my body, about me, and how i feel about myself...it's hard! we have to stay strong!

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  3. its hard to face a new world, and definatly discover new triggers. its agrivating. I hope IOP will work for you babes. xoxox

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  4. i know what oyu mean about the id & superego- it is kind of liek a DBT skill "wise mind" where you separate the emotional and rational mind. I think it really helps. there are sO many triggers at college but i really hope you get the help you need bcause you are beautiful and deserve to be healthy!! i'm truly here foryou if you ever want to talk!!

    xoxo
    shelley

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  5. Oh girly I know the desire for independence is so strong but at the same time independence is not independence if ed is in the driving seat. It is ok to ask for help and in fact is putting you in control again. You will get your freedom in the end.
    Hope the appointment goes well, don't stress.
    xxxx

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  6. do not fret my dear! this is all a part of the journey, finding your footing on your own while dealing with day-to-day life stresses in the real world. Being on your own is tough, yet rewarding in and of itself. stay strong hun. Im sure the IOP team will understand.
    love you always,
    becca

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  7. It is so great to be able to read a post from you! I ave missed you :).
    I am proud of you for realizing that writing helps so much. And you gotta admit that all of the support you get from readers helps, too. You know that you are atrong. And you now what you are fighting for. Keep reminding yourself of how far you have come.
    Good luck at the meeting.
    Why don't you make yourself a bowl of s'mores to make you feel better?

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  8. It sounds like you're having such a hard time, I'm sorry! i know what you mean about walking around campus and mentally noting all the people you suspect have EDs, i did/sometimes still do that. and my apt can be triggering as well. i really hope that you do IOP and fully commit to it, you deserve to get better NOW!

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  9. You should watch this movie that I love called "Peaceful Warrior" or read the book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior"... It has nothing to do with ED (which may be a nice break for you), but it does have a ton to do with dealing with you ego, and surrendering to the one thing you never have: control. Its a true story about a guy who put his whole identity into one thing, and then lost it... and had to find a way to continue on.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsS3cXGs2GQ

    check it out!
    "Everything has a purpose, even this, and it's up to you to find it"

    Sending you positive energy!

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  10. Rebecca! I've been waiting for you to post, as I was wondering how things were going at Pitt. I love you, girl, and I really FEEL EVERY single word you wrote in this post. Like, literally...I am in the absolute same mindset as you. It was weird to read your words and realize, omg--this is how I feel too. Thank you. I hope things work out...no wait, Im SURE they will for you! <3 <3

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  11. Godo to hear from you and sorry you're struggling. Please remember that YOU want to get better and be truly free, ED doesn't want the help and full recovery.
    Choose for you. Good luck and sending you many positive vibes from here. Hope they work:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  12. I'm sorry you've been struggling and having problems. Remind yourself that you deserve to be loved and if the need is control, take control of those negative feelings. Good luck girl!

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  13. hey hey! i'm thinking of you too! how are you!? hugs! xoxox

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  14. I'm thinking of you too! I hope you are doing well. Writing is an excellent way to organize thoughts. Stick with it (whether it be on your blog or in a journal)!

    xo,
    liz

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  15. best of luck to you Rebecca. keep taking one day at a time! keep your head up!

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  16. It is definitely stressful, having to deal with ED recovery AND all the added stress of daily life. Please stay strong, my dear. Freedom doesn't come from external factors, but it comes from within...are you at peace, no matter in whatever circumstances? Are you enjoying your moment by moment life?

    *hugs* I hope you find that inner peace and freedom in you soon!

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  17. thanks for the comment girlie! ive missed your blog! I don't have time to read a bunch anymore, but ill make sure and visit yours often. I am doing so good...school and work are a juggling act. But I really hope tommorrow goes well for you, and you can find peace in letting the negative thoughts go... and enjoy just living. Its hard to dismiss feelings and thoughts overnight, so take it slowly day by day...im thinking of u!

    xoxo
    lolo

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  18. Thank you so much for the comment. Even though I'm "gone" I still regularly read my favorite blogs (like yours!).. It takes time, but you can and you will succeed. Just give it a few weeks, and we're always here for you (the blogging community, that is). If you ever need anyone my email is kfred622@gmail.com

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  19. I hope that your appt goes well tomorrow and that no matter what, you are able to find the balance you are looking for!

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