faced with fears. Sometimes I wish I could hide under the covers, like a child would hide from monsters under the bed. My monsters are out there, waiting to get me. They are the triggers and stresses that take forms of classmates, peers, schoolwork, the gym and the kitchen encouraging me to feel so vulnerable. I am overwhelmed, or maybe I make myself feel overwhelmed. Perhaps I unconsciously desire the demons to be there, so I have an excuse for hiding-- for being so vulnerable. As I have written before, vulnerability and I do not get along. I tend to say "I'm fine" despite genuine feelings as to not be a burden on others, because I'm tough (though not a fighter). I'm just fine, simple as that.
My goal for this week is to reacquaint myself with the kitchen. I've had such a love/hate relationship with cooking, though I'm not entirely sure why. I find that when ED creeps around and haunts me, I get angry and take it out on the kitchen, by disassociating myself from it. Perhaps I animate the kitchen to represent ED in physical form? Again, I am not completely certain. But, in general, I love cooking. Last night I decided to be brave and take that first step into the kitchen. As I shuffled through the drawers for mixing bowls and utensils, a song seeped out of my mouth, which could have only meant one thing-- I was happy (when I'm 'content' or in a positive mood, I sing. When I am not, I don't. Simple as that). After an hour of measuring, greasing and pouring, the smell of oatmeal filled the apartment.
Ta-da, I made homemade granola bars! And I even ate one... or three. I had forgotten how rewarding and satisfying eating your own masterpiece truly is.
As I conclude this eclectic post, with another check in. Right now I feel complete and satisfied. Maybe because I just enjoyed steamed vegetables, resulting in a full stomach, or maybe because the talk around the table made me feel complete. Needless to say, right now I am content. And I have hope that I will be fine, in good time.
"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is."-- Jim Morrison
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