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Monday, February 8, 2010

A snowy mess of things.

Is it really February already? Whoa. Have I really been back at Pitt for a month?  Double whoa.

The transition has without a doubt been difficult, but I'm doing pretty well. I'm at a very critical weight right now and if I dont continue to gain, COPE will suggest I get more intensive care, such as a partial hospitalization program-- i.e. I'd have to go home.  However, I've always been one to enjoy a good challenge.  So I'm gaining.. and feeling pretty good about it.  How is that possible?  Lately I've been feeling incredibly grateful and I try to keep the way I feel close to my heart without taking what I have for granted.  I am now a program intern at Hillel, which is something I've grown to be ridiculously passionate about.  My friends are the most incredible human beings on the face of the earth--seriously though.  Their compassion and support is remarkable, and I admire every one of them, as beautiful and unique individuals.  I've also been lucky enough to repair several relationships, ones in which I am able to be myself and enjoy the others' company.  The family I have been blessed with is simply incomparable and I am appreciative for the support I am receiving through COPE, the IOP.  When I struggle or get lost in my head, I remember all that I have-- and smile.  Every time I look in the mirror and see through ED, I take the focus away from such trivial problems and count my blessings, because I know my life is wonderful and there are millions worldwide who suffer more than me.  I am so fortunate, so lucky and without a doubt, appreciative.  

We all need somebody to lean on.

(Yes, there's been a time lapse-- Though my comments have been scarce, I do read all your blogs, they continue to inspire me every day.)  Anyways, my mother visited this past weekend, which could have meant a very stressful, anxious three days.  But despite the anticipation, we ended up having a lovely weekend together...for the most part.  Before her departure yesterday morning she made sure to give an assessment of 'how well I'm doing'.  I was shocked, disappointed and let down by her comments and concerns (which were not legitimate nor convincing).  I tried to take her words with a grain of salt, because the scale does not lie, but they still stung the open wound.  Honestly, I feel as if she judges my progress through dichotomous thoughts.  If I'm not up to my 'goal weight' nor eating anything and everything, I haven't made significant progress.  I feel frustrated which only emanates despair and lack of motivation.  ED reminds me, 'what's the point if no one recognizes your progress?  Do what you want'.  Except is what ED wants really what want?  Thus, the ambivalence resurfaces.  What's more, I've come to the conclusion that ED and Ambivalence are partners in crime, so it's up to me to use any kick-boxing skills I may possess to fight them off!

In other, more exciting, news Pittsburgh is covered with multiple feet of snow and anticipates another 6-10 inches to fall within the next two days.  Why am I ecstatic?
1. Classes were canceled today
2. COPE (my IOP) is canceled tonight AND tomorrow evening
3. Nikki is coming over and the four of us are having a dinner & wine night
4. We've been doing a great amount of baking at 3459
(picture courtesy the Pitt News)

Right now I await the arrival of Nikki, the fourth roommate who doesn't actually live here anymore-- EEK, I'm so excited. I anticipate a good time with good friends in the warm comfort of 3459.

P.S. I just received a phone call informing me the university is closed, yet again, tomorrow!!!!  "I got a feelin', that tonight's gonna be a good night."


  1. can i come over tonight?
    i have been finding i am quite the ambivalent creature myself. its really hard, ed is obsessed with it.
    i think by returning to a grateful mentality helps to motivate, but who am i kidding sometimes i just straight up forget how lucky i am.
    sorry about the mama drama love, alas she's only trying to show she cares, which i know you know :)
    i'm totally jealous of this night you are going to have, have a glass for me ;)

  2. ahh lucky girl, snow days are so much fun!! honestly, i am worried about you hun! please don't let your ed ruin everything you've got going for you. i am so glad you feel so thankful for your friends- they seem like fantastic people!! & your mom loves you, she is just concerned i'm sure. don't let anyone belittel your progress though- you know how you are truly doing and should be proud!!


  3. nice you have a snow day? score! i'm sorry that you're still at a critical weight, i really hope things turn around so you won't have to leave school!

  4. i just found your blog and wanted to say hello! lovin it so far and looking forward to reading more ;)

  5. How was your snow day love?

    I wanted to stop by and let you know that I believe in you. I believe you will get to your ideal weight and you will love it and feel fabulous!! You deserve every minute of the joy that gets you there.

    Love you!


  6. You CAN do this sweet girl, don't let others determine how well/bad you are doing. You know what you need and what you need to do:)

    Good luck!
    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  7. hope you're staying warm in that snowstorm!

  8. Thanks for the comment! I went to CMU last year before transferring. Sounds like you guys have been lucky with the snow days! Keep making progress girl- you can do it!

  9. I've been missing you, Rebecca! It is so good to hear from you again, and to hear that you are determined to get back on top of things.
    Your positive outlook on it all - being grateful for the things you have, the things you can have and the things you will have, it's an amazing way of turning this around on ED!

    Your mother's comments are just that, comments, words. What's important is what you think and what you want and what you are doing. People will pass judgement, but their judgements don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

    My love and wellwishes are being sent your way!


  10. my friend is in pittsburgh - she says it is RIDICULOUS there!

  11. Your posts are always so inspiring (: Now I really want some cozy looking socks like that! -Kylee

  12. Going on my 4th snow day here :)

    I love your blog so much - it's just so comforting to read - and you as well as I know that you can get to your goal, you are beautiful, strong and so motivated. Stay optimistic and nothing can bring you down. Oh, and keep on baking!

    Much love

  13. I can totally relate to having your mom doubt the work and progress you have been making. It sucks and can be so discouraging plus like you said, ED totally uses it to try and manipulate you into not fighting. But when I grow frustrated by my mom's lack of trust or optimism I remember the saying, "To thine own self be true." You're doing this for you and can take pride in knowing how hard you are trying, regardless of whether those efforts are being recognized by others.
    That being said I hope things are going okay and that you don't have to leave school. Could you send me a box of snow? I've never seen it before!


  14. I love the pics with the fireplace and the socks!

  15. Rebecca,
    Wow, I am so amazed by how hard you are fighting every day and by how much I can identify with your struggles. There is nothing harder than that hanging-on-by-a-thread feeling, and having ED take up so much of your life. Sometimes I've felt like I'm walking around under my own personal storm cloud that no one else can see.
    I hope that you find joy in knowing how wonderful your life will be when ED is gone (and he will definitely be gone). When you talk about your friends and all the amazing people at Hillel, it reminds me of the people I live with in the Activism house and the people I work with at the college Chapel. They have inspired me, comforted me, been there when I have retreated from them, and when I have returned. Now, after three stints in Princeton, I feel like I have finally returned to my friends with my whole self. Never perfect, but finally finding joy and peace.
    Humanity is so beautiful, and you have so much to embrace when you free yourself from ED. You also have so much to give the world, and have already given so much to me and to others at Princeton and elsewhere.
    I know there have been days when I have felt like I am ED and ED is me. If you ever feel that way, know that when we look at you we see so much more than ED. We see Rebecca, who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I know that there is indescribeable joy waiting for you.
    Hang in there, fight with everything you've got, but also never forget how much you have accomplished, because you also deserve to be proud.
    Lots of love