Is it really February already? Whoa. Have I really been back at Pitt for a month? Double whoa.
The transition has without a doubt been difficult, but I'm doing pretty well. I'm at a very critical weight right now and if I dont continue to gain, COPE will suggest I get more intensive care, such as a partial hospitalization program-- i.e. I'd have to go home. However, I've always been one to enjoy a good challenge. So I'm gaining.. and feeling pretty good about it. How is that possible? Lately I've been feeling incredibly grateful and I try to keep the way I feel close to my heart without taking what I have for granted. I am now a program intern at Hillel, which is something I've grown to be ridiculously passionate about. My friends are the most incredible human beings on the face of the earth--seriously though. Their compassion and support is remarkable, and I admire every one of them, as beautiful and unique individuals. I've also been lucky enough to repair several relationships, ones in which I am able to be myself and enjoy the others' company. The family I have been blessed with is simply incomparable and I am appreciative for the support I am receiving through COPE, the IOP. When I struggle or get lost in my head, I remember all that I have-- and smile. Every time I look in the mirror and see through ED, I take the focus away from such trivial problems and count my blessings, because I know my life is wonderful and there are millions worldwide who suffer more than me. I am so fortunate, so lucky and without a doubt, appreciative.
We all need somebody to lean on.
(Yes, there's been a time lapse-- Though my comments have been scarce, I do read all your blogs, they continue to inspire me every day.) Anyways, my mother visited this past weekend, which could have meant a very stressful, anxious three days. But despite the anticipation, we ended up having a lovely weekend together...for the most part. Before her departure yesterday morning she made sure to give an assessment of 'how well I'm doing'. I was shocked, disappointed and let down by her comments and concerns (which were not legitimate nor convincing). I tried to take her words with a grain of salt, because the scale does not lie, but they still stung the open wound. Honestly, I feel as if she judges my progress through dichotomous thoughts. If I'm not up to my 'goal weight' nor eating anything and everything, I haven't made significant progress. I feel frustrated which only emanates despair and lack of motivation. ED reminds me, 'what's the point if no one recognizes your progress? Do what you want'. Except is what ED wants really what I want? Thus, the ambivalence resurfaces. What's more, I've come to the conclusion that ED and Ambivalence are partners in crime, so it's up to me to use any kick-boxing skills I may possess to fight them off!
1. Classes were canceled today
2. COPE (my IOP) is canceled tonight AND tomorrow evening
3. Nikki is coming over and the four of us are having a dinner & wine night
4. We've been doing a great amount of baking at 3459
(picture courtesy the Pitt News)
P.S. I just received a phone call informing me the university is closed, yet again, tomorrow!!!! "I got a feelin', that tonight's gonna be a good night."