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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Another New Chapter

Wow this is my 101st post.  It's hard to believe how much time has gone by since I started writing.  It's also hard to believe how much has changed, yet how much remains the same.  For the first time, in a very long time, I don't know how I feel.  I can't identify with any specific thought pattern, feeling or behavior, but I'm here... that must count for something, no?  I've been busy settling into the new apartment that I adore.  I needed to move out of 3459-- the place daunted my mind with disturbing memories.  The brain fascinates me.  It is so easy for anyone to relapse into old habits, as cobwebbed thoughts resurface and rituals take hold.  I could have easily gotten stuck in a cycle that would surely snowball and spiral towards a dangerous place.  But alas, I moved out and in to a bare, and much larger, space-- a space I hope to call home.  I know how important it is for me to walk in the door and feel at home.  I need my own safe haven, a place of comfort, cleanliness, warmth and serenity, so it's crucial that I make the effort to ensure a space that provides such qualities.  I'm nervous though, because I tend to fear the worst.  In all honesty, dichotomy screams, 'this place will be heaven... or a disastrous hell' and I have yet to steer towards middle ground-- towards balance.  Why is balance so hard to achieve, anyways?  Buddhists spend their entire lives in search for the inner-peace I long for, I just need to remain patient and trust the process.  Easier said than done, though.  But I'm trying to re-familiarize myself with the qualities of mindfulness taught at the EDU.  Long, deep breaths, tuning into the 5 senses and wave analogies remind me of what I consider better days.  Mindfulness, I remember you, be my companion again?

I am was headed down an all too familiar path of self-destruction, but this move and the start of summer provides a chance to escape and start over.  Yes, this is the time for new beginnings, as the end of one chapter closes and another begins; Thus, as I unpack my belongings I hope to find more of myself buried beneath the piles and boxes that fill this bare space.


“Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings.” --Tao Te Ching

11 comments:

  1. This definitely sounds like a fresh and positive new start for you. I can really identify with the importance of environment, given that after inpatient I moved into a new flat to create new positive memories and behaviours, since I feel if I'd have gone back home, I'd have relapsed. A new place to live can be a really good thing :-)

    Sarah x

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  2. this was a great post, bec :]
    keep trying to find that inner peace, but also give it time. it will come to you eventually, if you want it enough! you are so strong and i know this move is going to be a great new start for you. take care!

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  3. that means i have about 96 posts i need to go back and read! lovee your writing becca :)

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  4. Congrats on 101 posts! And I hope that the summer can be a new start for you. xoxo

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  5. Hey girl! This new apt sounds like such a great fresh start for you. I love you attitude. it's very inspiring. I go down that negative path also sometimes (it's a life long recovery process) but I remind myself how far I've become and what I have and should be thankful for. Good luck! <3

    xo

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  6. MAYBE YOU DONT ALWAYS NEED TO START OVER PERSAY... because remember you cant change the past and it will catch up to you if you dont accept it. i think moving FORWARD and making the behaviors and choices you make now and when you 'start' elsewhere should be positive. there's no better time to start than now.

    it's now 'i will' or 'i can' or 'ill try'- it is I AMM

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  7. Hey lady, glad the move is turning into a wonderfull decision!!! I agree home needs to be a safe place to retreat to. I hope and pray that this will help you stay on track and guide you towards balance! Your strong and I have every ounce of faith in you girl! <3 <3 <3 <3

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  8. Hey,
    I hope that the move will lead to the balance you want to have in your life. I have read a lot of your posts, and you have been through a lot. The fact that you are now able to recognize the feeling of moving in the wrong direction and actually taking direct action to try stop this is very impressing, and shows that you have the ability to live and to recover.
    I wish you all the best,
    Hedda

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  9. I hope that this new move and place will lead to the creation of so many more new and hopefully better memories than the place you were previously in. you deserve to be happy in every place you live and learn and I know balance will come to you as you move on with your life :)

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  10. Your writing is lovely. I am glad I came across your blog :-)

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  11. Congrats on 101 posts! I hope you continue to find wonderful new beginnings! :)

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