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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

It's been a while, but I promised I'd write again, or at least try to. I promised I would attempt to remember how I feel when the pen touches the paper, or when my fingers press into the keyboard.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my home in Bucks County, wondering what kind of day today will be.  I needed an escape from Pittsburgh, as my old apartment slowly felt more like a prison than a safe place.  Transitions are difficult, and though my roommates and I are in the process of moving to a new apartment, I was trapped in a year old behavior cycle, life was becoming all too familiar.  So, I ran. Alllllll the way to the other, and more familiar, side of the state.

Home has been good to me, and quite frankly, I'm really not ready to leave. I have just begun to get comfortable again, as I try to figure out what I need to break this vicious cycle.  I'm trying to find balance, because that's what life is all about, no? I can't always have it all, but at the same time I can't live with nothing.  I can't binge and behave, yet I can't starve myself.  I go mad.  My emotions are completely unregulated right now, and I feel as though I have no control over the cognitive distortions that cloud my mind and influence my behaviors. I am easily irritated and easily upset, yet I am easily entertained.  My energy remains extremely low and I count down the minutes until I can go to sleep at night.  I love to laugh, and right now that's all that I crave-- laughter has an intoxicating power over me.  Tell me a joke, make me smile or laugh until my stomach hurts. I've gravitated towards long lost friends and people who familiarize that feeling of not being able to breathe, because I know it will keep me sane.  I search because I know I can't hide-- there's simply nowhere else to run to, so I must deal.   I'm trying to stay present, focused, motivated and hopeful-- but ambivalence takes precedence.  The exhaustion and unpredictable emotional rushes influence the desire for isolation and emptiness, and I must combat it, no matter how tempting that danger zone may appear.  So, don't ask me how I feel, because I don't know. Please don't try to psychoanalyze or provide me with what you think I 'need'.  Just be there.  Just talk to me-- make me laugh.  Because, like a wave, I know this feeling won't last.  Everything is impermanent.

I left Pittsburgh in search serenity, peace and restoration.  I wish I was headed back to the steel city with just one by my side.


I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.-- Audrey Hepburn

14 comments:

  1. Did you know that today is Audrey Hepburn's birthday? Good time to put up a great quote by her! It is so great to hear from you again.

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  2. no, i did not know that! funny coincidence

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  3. There is so much I could say, but it is too much and too emotional and private for a comment. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me - I'd love to hear from you.

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  4. Hey lovely, glad you posted again! Im not going to tell you what I think, just know I read what you said and undestand/empahise with you. Its so wonderful that you can see this time"like a wave" will pass just keep pushing forward and if you ever need to vent or just want emai/fb me feel free!!!! I wish you all the best girl! <3 <3

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  5. I was writing about how you finally got me excited about
    posting myself again!!! I just LOVE your writing-style!!!
    I love how you handle your words!! I wish I would be just
    a fraction as talented as you!!!
    But I just decided that I need to start writing again! Start
    blogging again!! Might be a few days (and a few drafts) but I'll
    be back... Promise!!! Hope I made you smile a little?! ;D
    Love you hun!!! Hang in there!!!

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  6. your words are always so beautiful. i am sad to hear about some of your struggles but know you are SO strong and can/wll get through it all! you are amazing

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  7. btw I did it! ;) new blog post!! :D

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  8. I hope you keep this quote with you and remember how important it is to find reasons to laugh!

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  9. you are amazing! I wish I could write like you... it all just swirls around in my head!! :)

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  10. i wish you peace and what a beautiful post!

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  11. That Audrey Hepburn quote is wonderful. It's true, without laughter life would just not be worth living.
    Also, thank you for your sweet comment about my cat.

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  12. I relate to so much of what you're talking about, I left Pittsburgh and literally ran home to Bucks County. Just when I was really happy and felt like I was in control of myself and somewhat of the things around me, I just got so down and got in my far feeling like crap and didn't stop until I pulled into my driveway. I just want to thank you for being strong enough to share the things you're going through and your problems, it's been such a hard thing for me to admit my various issues and i've come to realize how lucky I am to have you and all of my amazing friends.

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  13. PS I just want to say by lost control, I ate half a 26oz jar of peanut butter amongst other things...I just had to clarify that because I was dodging admitting this in my mind and out loud and am in the process of coming to terms with myself.. whheew

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  14. Dear Rebecca, thanks for sharing, in such beautiful and poignant prose...Hang on there, girl. It's definitely internally messy right now, but the storm shall fade...and I do really hope you'll find ALL three: peace, serenity, and restoration. But for now, just hold on to HOPE.

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