It's been a while, but I promised I'd write again, or at least try to. I promised I would attempt to remember how I feel when the pen touches the paper, or when my fingers press into the keyboard. I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my home in Bucks County, wondering what kind of day today will be. I needed an escape from Pittsburgh, as my old apartment slowly felt more like a prison than a safe place. Transitions are difficult, and though my roommates and I are in the process of moving to a new apartment, I was trapped in a year old behavior cycle, life was becoming all too familiar. So, I ran. Alllllll the way to the other, and more familiar, side of the state.
Home has been good to me, and quite frankly, I'm really not ready to leave. I have just begun to get comfortable again, as I try to figure out what I need to break this vicious cycle. I'm trying to find balance, because that's what life is all about, no? I can't always have it all, but at the same time I can't live with nothing. I can't binge and behave, yet I can't starve myself. I go mad. My emotions are completely unregulated right now, and I feel as though I have no control over the cognitive distortions that cloud my mind and influence my behaviors. I am easily irritated and easily upset, yet I am easily entertained. My energy remains extremely low and I count down the minutes until I can go to sleep at night. I love to laugh, and right now that's all that I crave-- laughter has an intoxicating power over me. Tell me a joke, make me smile or laugh until my stomach hurts. I've gravitated towards long lost friends and people who familiarize that feeling of not being able to breathe, because I know it will keep me sane. I search because I know I can't hide-- there's simply nowhere else to run to, so I must deal. I'm trying to stay present, focused, motivated and hopeful-- but ambivalence takes precedence. The exhaustion and unpredictable emotional rushes influence the desire for isolation and emptiness, and I must combat it, no matter how tempting that danger zone may appear. So, don't ask me how I feel, because I don't know. Please don't try to psychoanalyze or provide me with what you think I 'need'. Just be there. Just talk to me-- make me laugh. Because, like a wave, I know this feeling won't last. Everything is impermanent.
I left Pittsburgh in search serenity, peace and restoration. I wish I was headed back to the steel city with just one by my side.