Yesterday, I went back to COPE for a re-evaluation to see if they'd let me into their IOP program again. After talking with the team, I think I've come to the decision that if I'm going to 'do this thing', then I want to go all in, full force. I don't want to be stuck in this disorder, I want to accomplish my goals and be able to enjoy life to the fullest. Simply, I want to live. I'm sick of the ups and downs. My mind is exhausted and my body is screaming for attention. I often read about recovery and success stories and have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I recall stories of those who have recovered. I see how happy they are and remind myself that it is possible. I can recover, if I put in the time and effort.
Currently, there is a wait list for IOP and I don't think I have the time or energy to wait around. Staff showed me a schedule of their Partial program, however, I'm afraid to commit to it for several reasons. First, I just really don't think the staff can challenge and work through my thoughts and behaviors like my doctors at home have done in the past. Additionally, I think that I fall back into habits because I'm in Pittsburgh. I feel like I've associated this school, campus, and lifestyle with old rituals that are just begging for my attention. With that said, I am almost certain I should do the partial program at the EDU, whether ED wants me to or not. My dad agrees, saying I need to just "nip this thing in the butt." I'm tired of ED holding me back, slowing me down, and taking away precious time and energy. Yes, I am terrified, I have doubts and I (or I guess ED) is already angry about the types of and quantities of food and treatment I'll have to take in and undergo, but that's part of this brutal process, and I've accepted it.
I'm leaving Pittsburgh Monday and will begin Partial (the 9-5 program I was in last fall) on Wednesday. I hope to be there for a brief (ha) amount of time and I am unsure what will happen after that.
I'm glad I took the initiative and asked for help before I found myself where I was last year.
I wish I could explain this better, but I'm still learning myself. I just want you to know that if it weren't for the support of my family, friends, and remarkable boyfriend, I would not be taking this initiative nor would I be so motivated to be healthy. You all help me more than you probably realize and more than I can express in words. Just know how grateful and appreciative I am for your support.
Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post. I feel overwhelmed and anxious right now and I"m trying to figure out how to readjust my life... again.
Never forget how beautiful you are. Never forget your potential or your strength.
"Every dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the starts to change the world."-- Harriet Tubman