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Saturday, May 29, 2010

Time to nip it in the butt

This past semester, overall, went really well. I went through an intensive outpatient program at COPE three nights a week and successfully completed spring semester. After a short break, I came back to Pitt and started summer session.  I enrolled in summer courses, was offered a directed research position, applied for several babysitting jobs, moved to a beautiful new apartment, and started working with an outpatient team. Everything was going well for a while post-discharge from COPE.  However, I soon found the stresses of school and life to be very demanding, which in turn affected my health. Since April, I've been struggling more so than in the past few months and I find myself headed down a dark and scary path.   I've tried to use the tools I've been taught over the past 8 months, including blogging and DBT/CBT work, however, ED has slowly prevented success more and more everyday.

Yesterday, I went back to COPE for a re-evaluation to see if they'd let me into their IOP program again. After talking with the team, I think I've come to the decision that if I'm going to 'do this thing', then I want to go all in, full force. I don't want to be stuck in this disorder, I want to accomplish my goals and be able to enjoy life to the fullest.  Simply, I want to live. I'm sick of the ups and downs. My mind is exhausted and my body is screaming for attention.  I often read about recovery and success stories and have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I recall stories of those who have recovered.  I see how happy they are and remind myself that it is possible.  I can recover, if I put in the time and effort.

Currently, there is a wait list for IOP and I don't think I have the time or energy to wait around.  Staff showed me a schedule of their Partial program, however, I'm afraid to commit to it for several reasons. First, I just really don't think the staff can challenge and work through my thoughts and behaviors like my doctors at home have done in the past. Additionally, I think that I fall back into habits because I'm in Pittsburgh. I feel like I've associated this school, campus, and lifestyle with old rituals that are just begging for my attention. With that said, I am almost certain I should do the partial program at the EDU, whether ED wants me to or not. My dad agrees, saying I need to just "nip this thing in the butt."  I'm tired of ED holding me back, slowing me down, and taking away precious time and energy. Yes, I am terrified, I have doubts and I (or I guess ED) is already angry about the types of and quantities of food and treatment I'll have to take in and undergo, but that's part of this brutal process, and I've accepted it.

I'm leaving Pittsburgh Monday and will begin Partial (the 9-5 program I was in last fall) on Wednesday. I hope to be there for a brief (ha) amount of time and I am unsure what will happen after that.

I'm glad I took the initiative and asked for help before I found myself where I was last year.

I wish I could explain this better, but I'm still learning myself. I just want you to know that if it weren't for the support of my family, friends, and remarkable boyfriend, I would not be taking this initiative nor would I be so motivated to be healthy.  You all help me more than you probably realize and more than I can express in words.  Just know how grateful and appreciative I am for your support.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post.  I feel overwhelmed and anxious right now and I"m trying to figure out how to readjust my life... again.

Never forget how beautiful you are. Never forget your potential or your strength.

"Every dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the starts to change the world."-- Harriet Tubman


  1. Good luck girly! Im sure you'll do wonderful in the program. I have a good feeling about this, sounds like you really want to get better. I know the fight is hard, but its so much better on the other side :)

    Dana xx

  2. It can be the "best" program in the world, but without truly wanting to get better, it won't work for you. It sounds like you truly want to get better and over this once and for all, so I have no doubt that although it will be hard, you will learn all the valuable tools to recovering your health and happiness.

    It takes a lot of strength to make the decision you did, and to be honest, I envy your initiative. Stay strong and we're here for you!

  3. your dad and my dad sound similar (no surprise there) and i will be making a similar decision come thursday. ED is threatened and flattered (oh god); me i'm just worried. thank you so much for post this, your strength always inspires me.
    i agree YOU have to want to change, to move on, to move forward. its a hard decision, and ambivalence makes it ten times harder, but the decision is ours. we can do this.

  4. I love that quote at the end of your post :-)

  5. I too am glad that you took the initiative and asked for help. Just taking that first step and seeking support is often so very hard, and I like the idea of 'nipping it in the butt'. There's a whole lot of life to live, and it'd be a shame to miss out on another second :-)

    Sarah x

  6. That was a wise desicion. I am jealous, seriously, there are no resources around where I live. Besides a T who I see once in a while, I am completely on my own in the nutrition part of recovery, and lets just say I am sucking. But I am happy for you, I am happy that you saw what you needed and took it! You are strong and you can live life to the fullest!

  7. You are taking charge of your life, Rebecca. You're taking the initiative to battle this, to fight it down - you've stepped outside your comfort zone because your determination over-rules any ED thought or feeling.
    This decision is Rebecca-driven, not ED-driven.

    You're getting your life back, girl, and I am so overwhelmed by your positivity in such a hard time.
    You are in my thoughts, always.

    Never forget how beautiful you are. Never forget your potential and your strength.

  8. I love that you are taking charge and doing what is best for you and your health. You totally deserve to live your life and be happy, free of your ED and all it's blunders!

    I'm so proud of you honey; stay strong and I believe you can pull through this!

  9. Rebecca, it's great that you're taking the initiative and reaching out for help. Recovery is full of ups and downs and stress can often lead us to indulge our ED thoughts and behaviors more than we would like. The important thing is that you realize that it's happening and you're doing your best to stop it.

    You're doing great, hun, and you can totally nip this thing in the butt. Never forget how beautiful and strong you are.

  10. I'm so proud of you for taking the initiative to seek out support. Admitting that you are struggling and need help is the hardest thing to do.


  11. Bec, your posts always make me love you so much more each time. your ambition and motivation to recover is so strong, and i know with that kind of thinking, you WILL do this. it's not a matter of if, just a matter of when, and you are taking the right steps to making that come ASAP!
    please take care! i'm so so proud of you for doing the partial program and you will do amazing <3 love you so very much.

  12. Good for you for looking for support when you need it. Wishing you the best!

  13. best wishes on your journey to health!!!!!

  14. You show respect and love for yourself through making these difficult decicions. You impress me with the insight, with the determination and desire to live you express in this post.
    Right now I am sitting here knowing that you can do this. It is a challenge harder than anyone can imagine, but you will become the strongest and wisest you you have ever been.
    You are great, you have my support from tip to toe, every second of the day.

  15. Best wishes to you on the program you decide in. I understand about separating from school--I just wasn't get out of the outpatient work what I needed to get out of it and decided to do the IOP program about 1-2 hours away. It has made all the difference (and it was a good program), but I think part of it was getting out of the environment.
    Kudos for you on standing up for what you need!

  16. That's wonderful that you're being honest with yourself and others of what will really work and what will just be too difficult!

  17. Hi sweetheart,
    Wow wow wow is all I have to say. Recovery is 100% about yourself - about taking the time and energy to make the moves so that you can get to the place where you want to be. It doesnt matter what anyone else around you says or does, at the end of the day, you're the only person who can heal yourself. These are your choices, your personal responsibility, and your one life, and while this is a difficult thing, it gets easier, it really does. Being able to be honest with yourself about your fears (don't blame it on "ed," ed is just a manifestation of YOU, and that makes it easier to keep it outside of yourself, like not your responsibility) is the most important thing because sometimes you can catch yourself telling yourself an absolutely ridiculous lie. I truly hope that you find that this program is the place for you to work towards recovery, Every day doesnt have to be perfect, but they can and DO get better.
    Wishing you all the best <3

  18. Hey girl, thanks for your lovely comment :)

    It takes a strong person to put themselves out there and ask for help. I can just tell through your writing that good things will come your way :)

  19. You are moving mountains my friend with your strength and your initiative to get some support!

    I admire you!

    All good things will come your way because you are a sweet person....and well...I said so ;)


  20. You really can do it, girl. Nip this thing in the butt? Don't you mean, "bite this thing and kick its arse"?

    I wish you all the best, Rebecca. A long road ahead, but you CAN do it! :)

    xo aletheia

  21. it sounds like you are finally ready to accept the needed change and recovering. i am there with you! acceptance is huge, and you realizing, as well as your dad to nuip it in the butt is the ONLY way to build your future and move on!

  22. Good luck to you! I'm not sure if I've told you - but I'm moving to Pittsburgh in three weeks. Call on me if you need a friend when you return!

  23. I think that it is so admirable that you made the decision to go back into treatment. Wishing you the best as you begin. So wonderful that you have a supportive family, as well. Feel free to email me if you ever want to chat ( :-)

  24. Girl, you are a beautiful strong woman. I wish you all the best, you deserve recovery and happiness! You seem to really want it, so keep working hard and recovery will happen once and for all. Good for you taking the initiative to "nip it in the butt" thats what needs to be done and I am so so proud of you!
    Keep up the awesome work girl! And please email me if you ever need a thing, or simply want someone to vent to or process with <3 <3

  25. rebecca you can do this. i KNOW you can :) i've got a feelin' (that tonight's gonna be a good night! heehee). but seriously. you really sound like you're ready to do this once and for all, and i know you have such an amazing life out there waiting for you. heck, you're already living it, you just need a little push to really get out there.
    i am so proud of you for taking the initiative to do what you really need to do for yourself. that's already one billion points for you, zip diddly for ED. xox

  26. You're very brave. Good luck and keep fighting. Remember I am there for you, always!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  27. Nip it in the butt...your dad is wise. ED recovery isn't a half-way thing. You have to go the full-way. I'm glad you're being so pro-active about this, and ready to give it all up. Best wishes and warmest hugs to you, Rebecca. I sincerely hope you overcome this once and for all.

  28. I'm so proud of you. I know you are going to keep fighting and you really want this. Life is so much better without ED and I have faith that you are going to fight this and defeat it once and for all. Stay strong, I am going to be keeping you in my thoughts!

  29. It sounds like you have a great support system. Not waiting around and assuming you'll get over everything is smart. I know that's how people end up relapsing. You don't have everything figured out yet, but atleast you have the right idea!

    <3 Tori