"Just because you feel fine, doesn't mean you are fine."
I arrived this morning and was overwhelmed with endless piles of paperwork and old feelings and memories. The smells and sounds of the hospital brought me back about 8 months and I couldn't help but to feel helpless. How could I let myself regress back to this point? Do I really have to go through this all over again?
After my hand was cramped from signing my signature over and over again, I met with my physician/psychiatrist. I have never seen him look so happy leading me into his office. We sat and talked for a while about the latest medical discoveries and future research plans within the realm of Eating Disorders and I expressed my passion and concern for better care for those suffering and we brain stormed possible resolutions. He sparks this passionate energy inside me that I motivates me. "Those who can help themselves can help others", he exclaimed. After about a half-an-hour, we got down to business. He recorded my height and weight, whips out the calculator and then leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I think we should send you down for lab and blood work followed by a trip to the Cardiology wing of the hospital for an EKG. My heart sank. I didn't understand what was going on, I felt fine-- especially in comparison to last summer. The next hour felt like eternity as I was poked and prodded by needles and hooked up with wires to the dreaded heart machines. Thankfully, the nurse was able to send the results to my doctor right away and he pulled me into his office. I sat down, on edge and this time he leaned in close to me. "Rebecca," he said with caution hesitation. It was this moment that my face turned ghostly white and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I didn't understand, I thought my weight and mindset were fairly stable-- Hell a week ago I was only considering an IOP which met 3 evenings a week, let alone registering for a Partial program, LET ALONE considering inpatient hospitalization. But he knew how desperate and motivated I am to work for my health. I am only reminded of how distorted the mind is and how easily it tricks the body. But such reminders motivate me even more to work towards recovery. I want my health, I want my life and I want to share it with the people I care so deeply for. ED will hold me back, no more. I will think for myself. I will find balance and inner peace. Because I deserve it-- we all deserve it.
Tomorrow, I officially begin Partial Hospitalization Treatment. I have been given a new meal plan, a binder full of schedules, cognitive and behavioral exercises, and a short-term game plan. Though the odds may seem like they are against me, I am ever so grateful, humbled and appreciative. I have the most supportive family, loyal friends and motivating boyfriend-- all whom make this journey worth it. I don't want pity, I don't want to dramatize this ordeal (because truth be told, it could be SO much worse, and truth be told, I will be just fine), I just want to be healthy, happy and proud. I just want to live, and I'm going to do whatever it takes.
And so, with this lesson learned, I am empowered to BE AMAZING.