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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Today's Lesson

Lesson learned: 
"Just because you feel fine, doesn't mean you are fine."

I arrived this morning and was overwhelmed with endless piles of paperwork and old feelings and memories.  The smells and sounds of the hospital brought me back about 8 months and I couldn't help but to feel helpless.  How could I let myself regress back to this point?  Do I really have to go through this all over again?

After my hand was cramped from signing my signature over and over again, I met with my physician/psychiatrist.  I have never seen him look so happy leading me into his office.  We sat and talked for a while about the latest medical discoveries and future research plans within the realm of Eating Disorders and I expressed my passion and concern for better care for those suffering and we brain stormed possible resolutions.  He sparks this passionate energy inside me that I motivates me.  "Those who can help themselves can help others", he exclaimed.  After about a half-an-hour, we got down to business.  He recorded my height and weight, whips out the calculator and then leaned back in his chair and sighed.  "I think we should send you down for lab and blood work followed by a trip to the Cardiology wing of the hospital for an EKG.   My heart sank.  I didn't understand what was going on, I felt fine-- especially in comparison to last summer.  The next hour felt like eternity as I was poked and prodded by needles and hooked up with wires to the dreaded heart machines.  Thankfully, the nurse was able to send the results to my doctor right away and he pulled me into his office.  I sat down, on edge and this time he leaned in close to me.  "Rebecca," he said with caution hesitation.  It was this moment that my face turned ghostly white and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach.  I didn't understand, I thought my weight and mindset were fairly stable-- Hell a week ago I was only considering an IOP which met 3 evenings a week, let alone registering for a Partial program, LET ALONE considering inpatient hospitalization.  But he knew how desperate and motivated I am to work for my health.  I am only reminded of how distorted the mind is and how easily it tricks the body.  But such reminders motivate me even more to work towards recovery.  I want my health, I want my life and I want to share it with the people I care so deeply for.  ED will hold me back, no more.  I will think for myself.  I will find balance and inner peace. Because I deserve it-- we all deserve it.

Tomorrow, I officially begin Partial Hospitalization Treatment.  I have been given a new meal plan, a binder full of schedules, cognitive and behavioral exercises, and a short-term game plan. Though the odds may seem like they are against me, I am ever so grateful, humbled and appreciative.  I have the most supportive family, loyal friends and motivating boyfriend-- all whom make this journey worth it.  I don't want pity, I don't want to dramatize this ordeal (because truth be told, it could be SO much worse, and truth be told, I will be just fine), I just want to be healthy, happy and proud.  I just want to live, and I'm going to do whatever it takes.


And so, with this lesson learned, I am empowered to BE AMAZING.

30 comments:

  1. Wow...I had no idea things were so hard for you right now...And to think that for a fleeting moment I was jealous. :( You are in my prayers as you fight this, I know you can come through this on the right side. Good luck!
    Maddi
    xxx

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  2. Hmm... Don't even know what to write!!
    Just want to say that I'm really proud of you that you're doing this!!!
    You're strong enough and you CAN DO THIS!!! You can overcome this and help others!! I believe dearly in you!!!! Keep strong, love!!!
    Hugs n.

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  3. You have the BEST attitude, it leaves me speechless.
    This is no easy journey, but your determination and the support from so many lovely people (and the support you give yourself!) will help you.
    I am so proud of you. Proud for your courage, proud for your decision to LIVE.
    Keeping you in my thoughts, you wonderful person!

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  4. Be brave girl! We're all behind you!!

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  5. I'm so happy you're taking care of yourself and doing what you need to for your health! I hope you continue to feel motivated and inspired!

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  6. Thank you for reminding me how the mind tricks the body, I needed to hear that. I just wanted to let you know I'm here and thinking about you, if you need anything or just want to talk don't think twice, I'm not far away. I'm so grateful that you reached out to me when I needed someone and you really are an inspiration.

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  7. Amen. Just live. If you let yourself hear what your body is trying to tell you, you can recover. I 'm humbled by this post - I never knew to ask for help. I never knew I could.

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  8. Rebecca,

    It is sad to see you going into treatment again, but at the same time I am so happy that you are doing something that you know will help you in the long run. You are handling this so well and you are truly an inspiration.

    Praying for you,

    Scott

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  9. Wow, doll you are a strong positive woman! You beat this my friend, I know you can!

    The beautiful thing is that you know you can fix this and you want it! That is the secret....wanting it.

    XXOO

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  10. I am so incredibly proud of you Rebecca. You have grown so much, and realizing that you need to go this route & get more treatment than you may like is a huge step- you are going to come out of htis stronger than ever and i can't wait to hear about all your progress at the end of the summer. Remember htat I am always here if you want to chat/vent/whatever! im cheering for you :)

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  11. good luck to you - you have such a terrific attitude.

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  12. stay strong sweetie! i know how badly you want this and i know you can do it :] love you bec

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  13. LOVE YOU.
    you are absolutely AMAZING.
    no need for doubts. you are doing this.
    you will find the balance. the peace.

    thanks for thinking of me today <3 i was recommended to OP, but no decisions have been made.

    LOVE LOVE LOVE
    emily

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  14. Oh honey, I know this is a tough time for you right now, but in the long run it's worth it. Keep your head up and stay strong. I am always an email away if you need to talk :)

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  15. You are such an inspiration girlie. You can do this! I'll be thinking of you! XOXO

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  16. Randomly stopped by, glad I did. what a wonderful post. I love the quote. :)

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  17. I hope you are alright, Rebecca! *hugs* You are amazing, and YES you are empowered to kick ED's butt!!!!!!!!

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  18. Thinking of you!
    You can do it. Just stay positive. :)

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  19. I think you should wearing that AMAZING shirt on your first day! Thinking about you!!!!

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  20. So proud of you for seeking help even though it's tough. ED is so tricky, and feelings don't always speak the truth. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!

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  21. you will be healthy and radiant! this hospitalization is for the best, remember that<3

    xoxo
    take care.

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  22. Oh honey! I know that you are going to come out of this thing great, stronger and more ready to embrace your life. you deserve to live it up however you want to! you are a beautiful woman, inside and out!

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  23. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right now. But you are for sure making the right choice, and you will come out of this stronger and brighter and happier than ever. You already seem to have such a great, and grateful, point of view. You only deserve the best in life and I'm so happy you are determined to conquer this!

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  24. Can I just say how in awe I am of your maturity, your determination, and your unbelievable generosity in sharing this very personal story to help other people.
    Your doctor sounds pretty great. I hope you get all the help you need!

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  25. Wow, you are so strong.
    Im in ITs treatment now and am finally able to find my true self and rediscover Laura! I know this is the best place for me now, as at home ana takes over. enough said about me... You can overcome this and you will, i send my best wishes<3

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  26. you are doing what is right for you. I'm really proud of you. I know you can and will succeed.

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  27. Hey girl,
    So proud of you for getting treatment. Go in with an open mind and you will really benefit from it. It is so wonderful that you are so motivated to get better! Stay strong and good luck tomorrow
    xoxo

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  28. I feel SO much power in this post! I've done partial twice and it may seem extremely hectic but in a weird way I kind of liked it. It gives you structure during the day, and allows you to challenge yourself at home as well. YOU GOT THIS!

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  29. Best of luck, Rebecca. Oh wait, LUCK has nothing to do with it. YOU'RE amazing. And you'll do well. LOVED what you said here: " I just want to be healthy, happy and proud. I just want to live, and I'm going to do whatever it takes."

    It's not just a sentence: it's a declaration, a battle cry. You're a warrior, my dear!

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  30. Sorry I've only just come across this after being away. You already are amazing Rebecca, and I hope the program helps you get to where you want to be. Take care of yourself :-)

    Hugs

    Sarah x

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