*find out more about my passions.
I want to get married, buy a house and raise a family (all in good time, of course). But without my health, I won't be able to reproduce. If my body isn't properly nourished, I can't bear children-- and that frightens me to no end. I want to pass on the Jewish traditions my family taught me-- I want to create a life for myself and share it with the ones I care so deeply for.
I have been blessed and privileged to have a supportive family, who have given me everything. This bed I lay on, the clothes that cover me and the perishable food that is served every night at dinner is precious and should never be taken for granted. I feel selfish, though I know it's ED that holds control, when I waste food, or even when I despise it. Food is the most powerful medicine, nourishment should be readily available for every single being on this planet... but it's not.
Finally, I want to honor my body. I genuinely believe God created each human being to be unique and beautiful. I believe there is an ideal weight we are meant to be at, and it is of great sin to try and change it. Our bodies are complex, as our brains, organs and muscles are most fragile and work diligently to create a life from a single being-- a single soul. I want to love the body I've been given and never destroy it, ever again.
I know eating disorders are not about vanity. I know that when I look in the mirror and scrutinize an arm or a thigh, that I am merely masking an underlying problem, or that the ED has taken control over my brain. I know eating disorders have a strong genetic component, and that many times, it feels as though it can not be controlled. But I will try to tame the ED. I will fight the ED. And I will win (again, in good time). As I mentioned the other day, my doctor and I had an insightful conversation in which he preached, "Those who can help themselves, can help others". To put it simply: To be selfless, one must be selfish.
When I feel unmotivated, when I have the urge to give into ED, I will read this post over and over again, until I genuinely believe the words that have stemmed from my thoughts. Life is about balance. It's about facing your biggest fears, reopening your deepest cuts and discovering who you are at your core. It's about confronting reality and accepting the things you can not change. Life is about striving for a balance that leaves you in a state of contentment-- it's about abandoning the all-or-nothing thoughts and realizing your potential.
I believe every single person on this earth is good, at heart. I believe we have a purpose, a full potential that's just waiting to be discovered. Yes, even YOU. YOU are worth it. WE are worth it. Facing our fears, jumping then falling and getting back up is worth it. Even if it takes several attempts. Even if we have to go back into treatment, we are not failures-- we are simply finding our way back to our core, to achieve inner peace and contentment. To achieve our potential.
The first three days of Partial were difficult, but not too terrible. I met the other girls, caught up with the staff, whom I absolutely adore and admire, and reacquainted myself with the daily routine. I am trying to ignore bad body image thoughts, trying to distract myself from the uncomfortable and inescapable feelings of fullness and trying to stay focused on the prize: a life without ED. Most days I want to live freely, sans ED. But then there are days like today. Days in which I get distracted and engrossed in my eating disorder, because it still fulfills some purpose and gratification for me. It's comforting and it takes away all pain-- or so I have been convinced. I want to not want it. I need to not need it. I wish I had more answers, wish I could wish it away, but alas, I have to fight everyday, focusing on the present moment and embracing the recovery process one step at a time.
I want to genuinely want recovery because I want to really live.
"You may feel as if you are at a turning point in your life, but everything may seem bigger than it actually is. It will take months before your long-term goals clarify, yet the choices you make now will be instrumental in your new direction. Don't worry if you cannot put all your ideas into one practical package. For now, let your imagination flow without restraint; you can make sense of your thoughts later on."-- Taurus Horoscope