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Sunday, June 6, 2010

When I can't seem to find it..

Motivation at its finest--

I want to make changes.  My dream is to start a nonprofit organization with various umbrella groups advocating diverse causes.  First, I want to start a program for teens that promotes self-esteem and raises awareness and research on eating disorders and treatment.  There are far too many young adults battling and dying from this deadly disease and I truly believe the media has such a detrimental effect on society.  With that said, change is possible, and it all starts with a better understanding of the etiology of the illness and what we can do to help prevent onset.  I am also deeply passionate and fascinated by neurological and developmental disorders in infants and children.  This summer, I was offered a directed research position in which I was to work in an infant/sibling lab, testing for the early onset of autism.  Yes, I'm a nerd and the brain fascinates me and I want to know more about neurological functions and how we can help toddlers and children work towards their full potential, utilizing all of their capabilities.  Thirdly, but certainly not lastly, I take great pride in our environment, specifically international farming practices and how it affects trends of globalization.  We need to honor the soil beneath our feet and the workers who feed our stores every single day.
                 *find out more about my passions.

I want to get married, buy a house and raise a family (all in good time, of course).  But without my health, I won't be able to reproduce.  If my body isn't properly nourished, I can't bear children-- and that frightens me to no end.  I want to pass on the Jewish traditions my family taught me-- I want to create a life for myself and share it with the ones I care so deeply for.

I have been blessed and privileged to have a supportive family, who have given me everything.  This bed I lay on, the clothes that cover me and the perishable food that is served every night at dinner is precious and should never be taken for granted.  I feel selfish, though I know it's ED that holds control, when I waste food, or even when I despise it.  Food is the most powerful medicine, nourishment should be readily available for every single being on this planet... but it's not.

Finally, I want to honor my body.  I genuinely believe God created each human being to be unique and beautiful.  I believe there is an ideal weight we are meant to be at, and it is of great sin to try and change it.  Our bodies are complex, as our brains, organs and muscles are most fragile and work diligently to create a life from a single being-- a single soul.  I want to love the body I've been given and never destroy it, ever again.

I know eating disorders are not about vanity.  I know that when I look in the mirror and scrutinize an arm or a thigh, that I am merely masking an underlying problem, or that the ED has taken control over my brain.  I know eating disorders have a strong genetic component, and that many times, it feels as though it can not be controlled.  But I will try to tame the ED.  I will fight the ED.  And I will win (again, in good time).  As I mentioned the other day, my doctor and I had an insightful conversation in which he preached, "Those who can help themselves, can help others".  To put it simply: To be selfless, one must be selfish

When I feel unmotivated, when I have the urge to give into ED, I will read this post over and over again, until I genuinely believe the words that have stemmed from my thoughts.  Life is about balance.  It's about facing your biggest fears, reopening your deepest cuts and discovering who you are at your core.  It's about confronting reality and accepting the things you can not change.  Life is about striving for a balance that leaves you in a state of contentment-- it's about abandoning the all-or-nothing thoughts and realizing your potential.

I believe every single person on this earth is good, at heart.  I believe we have a purpose, a full potential that's just waiting to be discovered.  Yes, even YOU.  YOU are worth it.  WE are worth it.  Facing our fears, jumping then falling and getting back up is worth it.  Even if it takes several attempts.  Even if we have to go back into treatment, we are not failures-- we are simply finding our way back to our core, to achieve inner peace and contentment.  To achieve our potential.


The first three days of Partial were difficult, but not too terrible.  I met the other girls, caught up with the staff, whom I absolutely adore and admire, and reacquainted myself with the daily routine.  I am trying to ignore bad body image thoughts, trying to distract myself from the uncomfortable and inescapable feelings of fullness and trying to stay focused on the prize: a life without ED.  Most days I want to live freely, sans ED.  But then there are days like today.  Days in which I  get distracted and engrossed in my eating disorder, because it still fulfills some purpose and gratification for me.  It's comforting and it takes away all pain-- or so I have been convinced.  I want to not want it.  I need to not need it.  I wish I had more answers, wish I could wish it away, but alas, I have to fight everyday, focusing on the present moment and embracing the recovery process one step at a time.

I want to genuinely want recovery because I want to really live.


"You may feel as if you are at a turning point in your life, but everything may seem bigger than it actually is. It will take months before your long-term goals clarify, yet the choices you make now will be instrumental in your new direction. Don't worry if you cannot put all your ideas into one practical package. For now, let your imagination flow without restraint; you can make sense of your thoughts later on."-- Taurus Horoscope



29 comments:

  1. This is what I call motion.
    I had this same moment-realization-and it changed me. I know you can do it, I know you can carry this with you and go forward.
    You're a lot stronger thank you know.

    PS - Jew girls in the house <3

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  2. LOVE this post! Amazing thoughts and insight, you have the thoughts for recovery, I know you can do this!
    Maddi
    xxx

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  3. Wonderful goals and aspirations to have. I too believe that all human beings are innately good, and there is so much we can do to change the world for the better, especially as recovered and healthy individuals.

    You have a great sense of purpose and determination that will help see you through recovery.

    Sarah x

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  4. This is a beautiful post. I'm glad you are fighting the negative thoughts and choosing to focus on the future instead!

    <3 <3

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  5. this was so incredibly moving. Please read this post every day and wehnever you are struggling because the words are so true. You should be able to live your life- and you WILL. I know you can do this. Hang in there & stay strong <3

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  6. This post made me cry. It was so touching and strong, and reading it I just.. got another reminder that I too want to live.
    I want to have a future, because honestly, life is too precious and great to continue my destructive behaviour.
    You have incredible thoughts, use them as an motivation when things seem dark. This post helped me, thank you Rebecca. You are beautiful, and you will make it. WE will make it.

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  7. i think this is my favorite post you have ever written. while i know you are struggling at the moment, your writing in this post had so much strength and character. i know you can beat this. you will fight this until it is gone forever and i admire you so much for your effort. keep it up hun<3 love you so much.

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  8. Wow. You are truly an inspiration to me. Your STRENGTH is immense and it is just oozing from this post and you I know you will overcome this Rebecca.

    I am praying for you Rebecca,

    Scott

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  9. Dearest Rebecca,

    What a post. Your dreams are worth living up to--and worth beating down whatever is holding you back. Like Scott, I am praying for you, because there's a life within you that can overcome all of the negative in your life right now! You just have to believe. :-)

    Lots of love,
    Aletheia <3

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  10. This has got to be the most beautiful blog entry. Thanks for sharing the motivation!! I love your writing. Wanting to LIVE, really live (with meaningful relationships, hard times too but with genuine support), have a family, and realize my full potential (whether it takes me far or just a little ways!!) is what is stronger than this disorder to me. Best wishes Rebecca!

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  11. Keep those passions--they fuel you and your desires! I totally hope that you do each and every single one of those.
    I'm glad partial is going well for you--even if it is challenging.
    They told me at my IOP program that the will to really live and live without ED was the first step--and seeing beyond (those passions) ED

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  12. This was the most inspiring post i have ever read and it totally made my morning!!!!! This is so motivating and uplifting for those who are on the road to recovery!!!! You made me realize that recovery is possible and how important it is to keep fighting each and every day - thank you!!!
    xoxo aimee

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  13. amazing post girl, those wheels are turning! i hope you really do take the heart everything your wrote, think about it every morning, and stay determined to find your health. this quote hits home with me so hard:
    But without my health, I won't be able to reproduce. If my body isn't properly nourished, I can't bear children-- and that frightens me to no end.

    i worry about this every single day, and every night as i fall asleep

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  14. AWESOME post, Rebecca!! I truly believe that each of us are individually and preciously and uniquely tailored by God, too. We are ALL worthy of joy and happiness and blessings! You have such honorable goals...I hope all of them come true!

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  15. you are such a gifted writer. I agree with so much of what you said in this post. Keep fighting, girl. You have so much to live for. Defeat ED, you don't need him.

    xoxo

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  16. I think all your ideas for the nonprofit are wonderful! I hope you enjoy your summer position!

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  17. girl- WOW you are beautiful. seriously you have SO much to offer this world.. God has put that nonprofit dream on your heart for a reason.. you NEED to follow that! seriously, you are going to change this world

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  18. Amazing writer, you can capture emotions, and dreams so well in just a few choice words

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  19. Oh this is amazing. What a beautiful, heartfelt post.

    "believe every single person on this earth is good, at heart. I believe we have a purpose, a full potential that's just waiting to be discovered."

    I REALLY loved that - and I agree! I really do believe people are good and kind and compassionate, we are just trained not to be, we feel scared a lot of the time and jealous and anxious which makes us be mean. But we all really are good, I completely believe that.

    I like how you mentioned that seeking help isn't failing - TRUE. Seeking help means you are succeeding! And yes, finding that place inside yourself where you are already happy.

    I struggle with depression and panic attacks and I like to remind myself that deep inside, at my very core, I'm ALREADY happy. That I have always been happy and at peace - I just have to believe it and remember it.

    Thank you for another amazing post.

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  20. what a great post to look back on.
    i'm glad the first few days of partial have gone well, thinking of you <3
    a family, nonprofit organization, the world, it is all there for you to grab. i have no doubt that you will find these in your life. it is amazing motivation.
    && i'm a taurus tooo! what a fitting horoscope.
    loveee
    emily

    (finally heard back about OP and i've got another appointment tuesday, should be interesting since i thought i had decided last week that i was going to do this myself, my way)

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  21. Rebecca,

    Andra and I were just talking about you the other day... I hope that this finds you in a better place today (mentally). Know that you are not forgotten.

    Jill

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  22. beautiful! and here's to you finding health and life and moving forward !
    xoxo

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  23. Insightful!

    Maggie

    mybreakfastblog.com

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  24. This post was beautiful. I'm with you on the non profit to help others. I have talked about wanting to do something lie that for a long time. I came to the same conclusion as you though. I need to get completely 100% recovered before I can help other people in recovery.

    Dana <3
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

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  25. This is why I don't know if recovering on my own is even possible. Because it's so hard when you're doing it by yourself, to stay focused and motivated. With others, you can stay in that frame of mind of "eye on the prize". I know people have recovered without support groups or inpatient care, but I doubt myself everday. When there's really nothing else I can do and no other means of getting help, I keep pushing myself. I am the one I rely on. I am the one that has to do keep pushing myself. It's hard and scary. When those moments come around where I'm left alone with disordered thoughts, all I can do is listen to them and not myself. Like you said, it's comforting and familiar. Okay I've written a post long comment so I'll stop now. Haha!

    <3 Tori

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  26. Go forward, dont look back and run with it! Don't make the mistake I did and relapse into another year of health problems!!

    Love you,
    Maggie

    Mybreakfastblog.com

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  27. The best of luck to you. I know you can do this. You chose the right road, now continue to follow it and work hard. Never look back. And fight!

    Let's do it girl!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  28. Oh Rebecca, this is SUCH a beautiful and precious post, a real insight into the person you ARE, too. I loved everything you said here, and share the same thoughts, desires, and faith.

    I ESPECIALLy loved what you said here: " I genuinely believe God created each human being to be unique and beautiful. I believe there is an ideal weight we are meant to be at, and it is of great sin to try and change it. Our bodies are complex, as our brains, organs and muscles are most fragile and work diligently to create a life from a single being-- a single soul. I want to love the body I've been given and never destroy it, ever again."

    Amen!

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  29. Girl, you are so strong and such an inspiration. Thank you for being so honest and showing so many others how important it is to stay true to yourself and honest with yourself. You will only grow and become stronger, especially with this mindset. Keep strong hun!!

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