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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Discharged

Seven weeks ago I began the Partial program.  I was motivated, anxious and determined to nip it in the butt and move on with the rest of my summer-- rest of my life.  Four weeks ago I craved the control that had been taken away from me.  I knew what I was getting myself in to, but I didn't internalize it.  It's hard.  The motivation faded and the desire to use ED behaviors intensified.

If school, family and my social life can't motivate me to get rid of ED, what will?  I have everything I could want, and am genuinely and whole heartedly grateful.  Why isn't it enough to want to let go?  Why am I holding on?  Yes, I've realized I can't recover while holding on to the eating disorder.  I go to program, eat and work hard in groups all the while thinking how I can 'kind of' use my eating disorder.  Once I get home, into a completely different environment, I'm a different person, and I immediately revert to obsessions, rituals and behaviors.  And I can't stop.  Recovery is a treacherous cycle, like a continuous link of chains.  Right now I'd like to think I'm making tiny dents, yet there have not been any breaks.  I'm trapped.

I'd lie if I said I haven't made progress.  I've been re-fed, and thus, well nourished so that some of the most extreme thoughts have subsided a bit and my emotions have began to regulate again.  Also, I've learned more about my eating disorder and have delved into my internalization of past experiences.  What's more, I've met some incredible rock stars who have been nothing but the most helpful and influential support system for me during this time, and for that, I am grateful.  So yes, I am in a better state of mind from when I entered treatment seven weeks ago.  I'm trying to remain focused on my goals, and on my future, but it's difficult when I'm preoccupied with obsessional thoughts, rituals and unattainable outlets for control and perfectionism.

Nonetheless, my progress must not go undermined and the dents I have made in the chain can not be discounted.  I am proud that I entered treatment and even more proud that I made the most of my time there.  As I look ahead, I am anxious, yet excited, for the future.  I vow to actively work towards recovery every single day.  And I vow to be patient with myself.  When recovery seems easier and more comfortable, I will further challenge myself-- I will 'go there'.  Because recovery isn't meant to be easy or enjoyable, but it's meant to be worth it.  


I'm still headed 'there', in purple, because although it feels like I've been travelling down this brick road for some time, I've learned that my journey has just begun.  


OH! I almost forgot!  I'd be honored if you would stalk me on twitter-- rlustig516 :) 

29 comments:

  1. Recovery isn't supposed to be easy - if it were, everyone would be doing it.

    It's an important step to recognize where you are - recognize that you're NOT okay, which means you can start finding the way to fixing yourself. Every day that you do well is PROGRESS. Try not to let yourself get entirely derailed because you mess up one day.

    Only when you're ready to let go of what you're scared of, can you fully begin.

    xoxo I'm thinking about you girlie

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  2. I just stumbled across your blog, but I'm glad I found it. What a powerful, inspiring post! Hang in there!

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  3. I completely relate to holding on to part of the ed. It's a constant. It's predictable. It will never disappoint. But it will eventually destroy, so we need to keep fighting as hard as we can. I am so glad that the 7 weeks were a great experience. I have never gone to a treatment center, but I have loved group therapy. It is amazing to talk to other people who are dealing with the same thoughts and struggles. I am so happy that you are back, and it is great to know that you are well!

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  4. Rebbeca! i am so glad to hear from you and that you are doing well :) Recovery is so hard, you cant really express it in words. I feel like the word hard doesnt even do it justice. It does get better though and the hard work is SOO SOOO SOOOOO worth it. More worth is then I could have ever imagined. I went into recovery seeking physical health I never thought I would find so much mental freedom as well. It is wonderful and Its only getting better. Keep up the hard work :)

    Dana xo
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

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  5. Great to hear from you, and it's good that you can be so honest about where you're at. Don't give up hope, because you'll get there eventually, and I believe everyone has their own individual road to recovery, we each need something a little different to fully commit ourselves and leave the ED behind.

    Sarah x

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  6. I know it might seem silly... but I kind of feel like you letting go of ED is like me letting go of my relationship. It's scary to look beyond it because you forget what life was even like without ED, and I forget what life was like without Matt. And it doesn't make sense because we've both gotten to the point where we know it's not good for us, but yet... still hold on.

    We've gotta let go. <3

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  7. Recovery isn't easy, but that just makes it all the better when you get there. I am so proud of how hard you are working, and your state of mind right now, I know you can beat this. DOn't let anything stop you.

    Praying for you,

    scott

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  8. i know excatly where you are right now and i am there too ;)
    fresh out of treatment but deep down inside i know now the real challenge actually begins!
    i am here for you sweetie
    xoxo

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  9. recovery. the hardest word for me to say.
    the hardest thing to do.
    Strength and power, baby <3 love forever

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  10. hey you. =D i, too , get a little nervous about the future...but i think it's the unknown part that scares me. =/

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  11. I am so glad to hear from you, my star.
    Feel proud of yourself - for your progress, and for being aware of the challenges still ahead. Recovery is meant to take time, it is a long and demanding process. When you think you are done fighting, you can be attacked and discover yet another aspect of your eating disorder.
    Look at the changes that has occurred, ask yourself : is there any good reason why I can not overcome the future battles? Why I am not to walk out in life as a true winner?

    ED serve a function to all of us, if not we would let go off them immediately. They provide safety, make us feel special, give us a way to relate to life and our emotions. But there is no way around the fact that they destroy us, piece by piece, eating us up and prevent us from living a free life.
    I do not want to be controlled by a destructive force, no matter how many functions and services it can offer me. I want to control myself, find healthier ways to handle the different aspects of life.
    I know you can do this. With time and fight.

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  12. girl we are the same. no doubt about that. i completely feel you here. completely.
    thinking of you.
    loveee
    emily
    ps we need to chat moreeee

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  13. Love you girl! I am so proud of you!!!! Cant wait to catch up more :)

    xxoo

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  14. This is amazing.
    You are a rockstar, beautiful girl.

    I could have written this, I really could have. All of what's going on in your mind is what's been going through mine. It's a constant fight, a constant battle, but it isn't impossible.
    Recovery isn't easy - if it was easy, we wouldn't have to spend so much time in the limbo between healthy and unhealthy. But you've made dents. And those dents count. Those dents will add up to a breakage in the chains soon, sweetheart.

    Keep making those dents. It's not an endless cycle, you know this yourself because you recognise the mental and physical progress you've made.

    You are so strong, and so brave, and so beautiful.
    You CAN do this.

    <3

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  15. thanks for sharing - I hope you continue to be honest with yourself and take baby steps, as needed, in the right direction!...

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  16. Congrats on finishing up! We're all here- supporting you through your next steps :)

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  17. You can do this girl, I just know it. For me, real recovery started when I left treatment. You can wait until it feels easy or better to change but believe me...that day will never come. 'Jump with your eyes closed' and just go for it. Never look back and fight!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  18. Thanks so much !! :D

    Wow, you are amazing! Keep going, we all believe in you!

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  19. I love this post, and I am glad to hear that you have made some progress!!! Keep it up girl!!

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  20. So proud of you for entering the program and for recognizing that you can't embrace recovery while holding onto ED. Also so wonderful that you're able to think more clearly now and that you've made so much progress. Even dents are worth celebrating!

    You're in my prayers!

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  21. You articulate your thoughts so well! Your ed has a great hold on you still, and that's hard to realize. I guess it's better than denying it though.

    I think maybe finding that one thing that will motivate you in life to recover, will help a lot. You need to find that something, that your more passionate about in life, than your ed.

    <3 Tori

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  22. Dear Rebecca, the road is hard and long, but guess what? You've already started on it. You're getting closer and closer by the day, each time you struggle, remind yourself that you are struggling for a purpose that is SO worth it, as you said.

    Peace and strength be with you!

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  23. you are beautiful. girl you have come so far. DONT EVER LOOK BACK!! keep going forward love. so worth it! we are all rooting for you. PRAYING for you

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  24. if you've made it to this point in recovery, there's nothing you can't do. and by that, I mean that I KNOW you can be free of this eating disorder. keep fighting! and congrats!

    xoxo

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  25. i totally relate to this post! one thing i have been telling myself is that all those little dents in recovery add up to something more than a little dent.
    keep fighting for you!
    sending you a virtual hug :)

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  26. Rebecca,
    I totally relate to you in this post. I too have a supportive loving family and friends yet i still can not let go of my ED....It is so frustrating because on an intellectual level you understand being in your ED is complete misery but at the same time having it still in the background, makes us feel so comfortable and "in control." You have made such strides this past year and I really hope you keep moving forward.

    Sorry if this comment makes no sense, it did in my head ;)
    xx
    jillian

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  27. I am truly so proud of you right now. I know you've been through hell & you deserve more than anything to move on & be truly happy. Let your friends & family be motivation- you are an amazing person!! Give yourself credit- this is hard stuff!

    love you

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  28. Hi darling!!! What an honest post. Sometimes writing is the BEST therapy. As long as you are being completely open and honest with yourself you are making SIGNIFICANT progress - whether you think so or not! Sometimes progress slows for a bit but that doesn't mean your going back to old ways. It's like exercising- we hit plateaus but that doesn't mean we are going back to the beginning.

    Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. XOXOXOX,

    Lauren

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  29. just wanted to let you know that i was thinking about you! give yourself some credit for how hard you have worked and how amazing you are!

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