If school, family and my social life can't motivate me to get rid of ED, what will? I have everything I could want, and am genuinely and whole heartedly grateful. Why isn't it enough to want to let go? Why am I holding on? Yes, I've realized I can't recover while holding on to the eating disorder. I go to program, eat and work hard in groups all the while thinking how I can 'kind of' use my eating disorder. Once I get home, into a completely different environment, I'm a different person, and I immediately revert to obsessions, rituals and behaviors. And I can't stop. Recovery is a treacherous cycle, like a continuous link of chains. Right now I'd like to think I'm making tiny dents, yet there have not been any breaks. I'm trapped.
I'd lie if I said I haven't made progress. I've been re-fed, and thus, well nourished so that some of the most extreme thoughts have subsided a bit and my emotions have began to regulate again. Also, I've learned more about my eating disorder and have delved into my internalization of past experiences. What's more, I've met some incredible rock stars who have been nothing but the most helpful and influential support system for me during this time, and for that, I am grateful. So yes, I am in a better state of mind from when I entered treatment seven weeks ago. I'm trying to remain focused on my goals, and on my future, but it's difficult when I'm preoccupied with obsessional thoughts, rituals and unattainable outlets for control and perfectionism.
Nonetheless, my progress must not go undermined and the dents I have made in the chain can not be discounted. I am proud that I entered treatment and even more proud that I made the most of my time there. As I look ahead, I am anxious, yet excited, for the future. I vow to actively work towards recovery every single day. And I vow to be patient with myself. When recovery seems easier and more comfortable, I will further challenge myself-- I will 'go there'. Because recovery isn't meant to be easy or enjoyable, but it's meant to be worth it.
I'm still headed 'there', in purple, because although it feels like I've been travelling down this brick road for some time, I've learned that my journey has just begun.
OH! I almost forgot! I'd be honored if you would stalk me on twitter-- rlustig516 :)