The comments on my last post helped me come to a realization-- it's absolutely normal for me to feel this way-- to feel like I have no idea who I am. I'm 22 years old, and although I've been through quite a lot, there is so much more that I have yet to experience. I'm learning how to accept myself-- where I've been, who I am and where I may or may not be headed. Though I am unsure of what the future holds, I must recognize that I am not alone-- that it is normal to be anxious about the future. The perfectionist inside of me is screaming to change my reality. It haunts me with messages: 'You'll never be good enough. You'll never amount to anything. You're just an anorexic. You're average-- and average isn't good enough'. When these thoughts cloud my mind, perhaps I can take a moment to welcome them in. Yes, I can welcome, listen, accept, relabel and refocus. These thoughts are here, I can't change that fact. But these thoughts are not me, rather, they are the perfectionist qualities that strive to disrupt my soul. So, rather than beat myself up, I can accept the thoughts for what they are and then pro-act, rather than self-destruct. I must bring my awareness back and be mindful of the present moment-- of the reality.
I tend to refer myself to the following quote, because I find it to be especially meaningful and inspirational for me when I struggle with acceptance and identity.
"There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way." --Maya Hornbacher (Wasted)
As I re-read my recollections of the past year, I couldn't help but smile. I may not be the smartest or most talented 22 year old, on a mission to receive a doctorate within a specific field of interest, but I have learned so much about myself and continue to explore my identity. And for that, I am appreciative.
Life is about balance and acceptance. We can't change who we're not, but we can focus on and learn to love who we are-- Of this, I am certain.
I'd like to thank those who have sent e-mails, facebook messages, tweets and comments. If it weren't for you, this post would not have been written, and inner peace would not have been restored.
My goal for today is to recognize that to which I can not change and that which I can. It is never too late to be the person I want to be, as every moment and every opportunity brings with it another chance to become.
we can feel this way. we deserve to.