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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Restoration, even if temporary

The comments on  my last post helped me come to a realization-- it's absolutely normal for me to feel this way-- to feel like I have no idea who I am.  I'm 22 years old, and although I've been through quite a lot, there is so much more that I have yet to experience.  I'm learning how to accept myself-- where I've been, who I am and where I may or may not be headed.  Though I am unsure of what the future holds, I must recognize that I am not alone-- that it is normal to be anxious about the future.  The perfectionist inside of me is screaming to change my reality.  It haunts me with messages: 'You'll never be good enough. You'll never amount to anything. You're just an anorexic. You're average-- and average isn't good enough'.  When these thoughts cloud my mind, perhaps I can take a moment to welcome them in.  Yes, I can welcome, listen, accept, relabel and refocus.  These thoughts are here, I can't change that fact.  But these thoughts are not me, rather, they are the perfectionist qualities that strive to disrupt my soul.  So, rather than beat myself up, I can accept the thoughts for what they are and then pro-act, rather than self-destruct.  I must bring my awareness back and be mindful of the present moment-- of the reality.

I tend to refer myself to the following quote, because I find it to be especially meaningful and inspirational for me when I struggle with acceptance and identity.

"There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way." --Maya Hornbacher (Wasted)

As I re-read my recollections of the past year, I couldn't help but smile.  I may not be the smartest or most talented 22 year old, on a mission to receive a doctorate within a specific field of interest, but I have learned so much about myself and continue to explore my identity.  And for that, I am appreciative.

Life is about balance and acceptance.  We can't change who we're not, but we can focus on and learn to love who we are-- Of this, I am certain.

I'd like to thank those who have sent e-mails, facebook messages, tweets and comments.  If it weren't for you, this post would not have been written, and inner peace would not have been restored.

My goal for today is to recognize that to which I can not change and that which I can.  It is never too late to be the person I want to be, as every moment and every opportunity brings with it another chance to become.
we can feel this way. we deserve to.


  1. i just found your blog and I am finding it such a great inspiration for me in recovery. Especially this last post.

    Keep it up! stay strong

  2. This is a beautiful post. I am so proud of you for accepting who you are, your struggles and your triumphs. It is by doing this that we become stronger. You are far more than average. You are so inspirational. I know you are going to do great things!

    Have a lovely day sweetie

  3. This post made me smile. You have been through so much, and yet you keep your head up and inspire others.

    Have a great day girl!



  4. i'm elated to read this post. it made my heart smile :) You have everything in the world going for you, don't let anything keep you back from being your whole self..part of life is discovering just that!


  5. I've known you for a few years. I've seen you at your best and your worst and back at your best. I've told you time and again that you inspire me, and it still holds true. Your Emerald City is in your heart and in your mind Bex. And your strength doesn't come from any family or friends, it comes from your deep abiding desire to live. You're a survivor, but you're doing so much more than surviving and it's such a wonderful thing to watch.

  6. There is much more to you than an ED my dear, and I'm so glad you've realised this. You have accomplished much and have a right to be proud of who you are.

    Sarah x

  7. I am so happy for you that you are learning to accept yourself and that you are feeling a renewed sense of inner peace. I struggle with something similar- wanting to know exactly who I am and where I' m going, but it's true- we're young, and have so much time to explore who we are and who we want to be. Beautifully written and encouraging as always- your journey is truly inspirational!

  8. This post is so strong and positive. You are lovely <3

  9. glad you're finding some peace. just that is a major accomplishment!

  10. girl. first of all. HUGS!!!!! you can always talk to me about anything. don't ever judge yourself. harsh or not. live life, and love it. ;)

    and thanks re: the dress! ;)

  11. Thanks for the comment hun! I'm glad you are doing well with recovery. If you ever want to talk, please e-mail me or hit me up on Facebook! :)

  12. Good for you! I'm glad you're doing better. We all fall into those places... I think I'm not really that sure who I am and what I'm supposed to be here for sometimes. Don't be too hard on yourself!

  13. " I may not be the smartest or most talented 22 year old, on a mission to receive a doctorate within a specific field of interest, but I have learned so much about myself and continue to explore my identity. "
    This my dear, this is how I feel at times too. When returning to University tomorrow I'll be surrounded by people the same age as me, yet whom are closer to their degree. I do not want to compare myself to them and feel down by the fact that I had to post-pone my education. No. Why should I do that?
    We have fought death, and WON. That is not something you can learn from a book, that takes human qualities such as strength and courage. We hold those qualities, and through recovery we grow even stronger and more secure in this world.
    Don't think too much about what your identity is, do what you like and express your voice, and in time you'll be increasingly more secure of the beautiful person you are.

    Big hug <3

  14. This is just so beautiful, and so true.

    Thoughts are just thoughts; we are the ones who give them meaning, or allow them to hurt. Denying negative thoughts means that they're "bad". No thoughts are bad - like you said, life is a balance. It's about filtering those thoughts and acknowledging, but also letting them go. They can't hurt you, they can't make you or break you.

    You are you, and no amount of attempts at changing yourself will ever change who you are. Life is about finding, exploring and discovering - yourself, and everything in it. You can't live perfectly, nor can you live imperfectly. You simply just live. What you DO with your life is completely up to you, but it's neither right nor wrong, good nor bad. You don't have to BE a certain person, a certain thing, a certain way. You just have to be you. With time, you will find where you feel most comfortable, but you will never stop experiencing new and exciting things.

    You're amazing.

  15. hey, thanks for the sweet comment on my blog :) YOU are a rockstar ;)

    that's kinda funny you posted about this, actually - my newest post is all about self-acceptance :)

  16. honey, you are so much more than average. you are amazing. anorexia just takes that away! i know its hard to believe, but you can be a fantastic and extraordinary person without it -- trust me, i have seen you there before!
    love you darling <3 take care of yourself!

  17. You're right - life is about balance and I think that's one of the most difficult things to do. It's easy to tip the scale on either end but never to balance. I think that's what Eds tend to do - pull us all the way to the unhealthy end, blinding us to the fact that life isn't in black and white. To be in control is to be able to do all things in moderation and enjoy it.

    Thank you for your sweet comment. You are more than a rock star hun! You're amazing! Stay strong my dear!

    Much love,
    Nat xoxo

  18. Becca girl, you're doing awesome!
    Things are maybe not just exactly what you want, but you are doing so great. Trying to heal is the biggest step of your life right now, and this is a good thing you are doing.

  19. What a beautiful post!! You have really opened my eyes with this post, because after gaining weight it is just like "what happened?" you know? You really cleared this up for me, because I know I am not the only one that feels this way now :]

    Thanks so much, you are incredible and doing great!!


    P.S. DO you recommend Wasted??

  20. Hi Becca.

    "it's absolutely normal for me to feel this way-- to feel like I have no idea who I am. I'm 22 years old...."

    My thoughts EXACTLY.
    (I'd also like to note that it will still be okay when you are 32 or 52!)

    Just continue to celebrate the things that make you ... YOU.
    I'm grumpy in the morning. Oh well. That's me! I am also a very kind person!

    Take the good, with the bad the combo is beautiful!

    I am SO glad I found your blog recently.


  21. Just re-read your post. So scary. Glad you are okay lady!!! In response to your question on my blog about spiralizing, I keep the skin on the zuch and spiralize it raw and only microwave it for a short amount of time to warm it (if you're using it as a pasta) or it will get mushy. When I use it with salad dressing, I serve it cold. Let me know if you try it out :)