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Thursday, August 19, 2010

I am lost. I am confused. I am troubled. I am overwhelmed. I am obsessed. I am trapped. I am craving. 
Because I have no idea who I am. 

I'm not athletic, I'm not a fashionista, I'm not artistic, I'm not especially musically inclined, I'm not an intellectual-- I'm not I'm not I'm not. I expend myself on the focus of who I'm not, that I have failed to 
discover who I am.  As I try to stay motivated and inspired to move forward I get lost and lose my way, and I believe it's because I'm in the process of figuring out who I am and what I want to do in my life.  I don't know what to hold onto to keep from sinking, to keep from starving-- I mean that literally and metaphorically.  I'm craving an identity.  I'm starving for self-fulfillment.  But, perhaps I'm searching too hard for something that doesn't exist. Perhaps I've been blinded by what I have, and by what I am. I just don't know...

"Her life was a slow realization that the world was not for her, and that for whatever reason, she would never be happy and honest at the same time. She felt as if she were brimming, always producing and hoarding more love inside her. But there was no release. table, ivory elephant charm, rainbow, onion, hairdo, violence, melodrama, honey...None of it moved her. She addressed the world honestly, searching for something deserving of the volumes of love she knew she had within her..."--Jonathan Safran Foer

to be continued...


  1. I have been feeling this way EXACTLY. You, my dear, are a brilliant writer though and you are extremely compassionate.


  2. You are an amazing writer!! And a singer. I agree with Liz, you are very compassionate, too. Make a list of what you ARE. You'll realize you aren't as lost as you think!

  3. You are a reflected and great human, that I can tell you.
    I can relate to the struggle of finding out who I am, what I love, what makes me smile and cry or shout out. Recovery is about all aspects of life, it is not just about feeling secure about food. It is also about feeling secure about life and self. Building solid ground beneath our feet, and in order to do so we must search and find out who we are. What is my identity. And yours. I can give no good advice, only support on this challenging journey.

    Keep fighting, you are incredible.


  4. Quick story:
    A friend who reads my blog and I were talking... he's a health teacher and has a blog here: When he first started his blog he was clicking around on mine looking for blogs to read and he said

    "Damn, that girl 'in purple' can write!"

    I hope you find something to hold onto, but at least in the meantime you can WRITE! (you are great at it, by the way...)


  5. It's tough, even when you think you have it figured out sometimes life hits you smack in the face and you look around wondering what happened to the world you thought you knew. I think that is sort of what makes it fun and makes you know you are alive and a contributing member of society. The fact that you are questioning who you are and what you want means that you will figure it out and be amazing at whatever it is you decide.

    From reading your blog I know you are a great writer and have wealth of knowledge and experiences to share with the world.

  6. Rebecca,

    You have way more going for you than you give yourself credit for. You are an awesome writer, an amazing person, compassionate, insightful, smart, and simply wonderful person to be around, or read about!

    Praying for you,


  7. I can relate to this post so much it kinda hurts.... :S
    We will figure it out someday! Love, n.

  8. One of the most reqarding parts of recovery is to rediscover yourself... and it's probably the hardest. For some, it comes a lot easier than it does for others, but have faith that it will come. I know for me, I thought I would never figure out who I was, and one day everything kind of clicked.

    You are an amazing person, there's no doubt about it. You have passions that lie within you, you just haven't found them yet... and there is nothing wrong with that! Try to enjoy the ride... experience new things and test yourself.

    Please know that it will work out. This post pulls at my heartstrings, because I used to be in the exact same position.
    <3 Tat

  9. Sometimes I feel lke I don't know who I am either. Sometimes I dobut if the things I spend my time doing are even worthwhile. But in the end, life is what you make it. Sometimes I think there is no answer. You don't have to be amaaazing at something to have it be your thing- kinda like writing, or sports, or art. If it makes you happy- then it is a part of you. Try to think of what you truly enjoy doing/studying/etc. and I think you'll find you have more talents than you realize :)
    If you don't realize it, it is ok. Just know that you have tons of blog readers who think you are pretty freakin' awesome (hopefully that means something). You're a great person & i just have such gerat feelings for you & your future.
    love you!
    gchattttt - i don't realy know how to do it? Hahha so add me

  10. I would have to disagree with you saying that you're not artistic... to me, writing is a form of art, and you write like no other. You have the ability to express yourself so beautifully, and simultaneously captivate and inspire others. That right there, is a talent, and is part of who you are.
    That being said, I can definitely relate to the yearning for an identity. Maybe its something we spend our whole lives creating?

    x Hannah x

  11. I felt like I was reading my diary. Because this is exactly how I feel.

    Some people already said that but I have to repeat it - you are definitely good at writing. I wish you lots of strength on you journey of searching for yourself <3

  12. LOLOL you're anorexic... just eat, how hard is it really?

  13. okay..comment above uncalled for! if you had a life you wouldn't be leaving hateful comments. If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all, how hard is it really??????

    and girl, you don't have to know who you are just yet. It's part of the process of evolving after ED. give it time, strive for health, and see where it takes you! I know you can move past this!


  14. Hi, First time to your blog. I hope you are doing well. I struggle with binging, so I can't relate to you.

    But I can relate to the feelings of hopelessness and searching - definitely - and I feel at times like I'm so alone in that.

    But I agree with a comment above - we are searching for something we may never find.

    Happiness is right here. Right now. We have everything we need right here. I know that's hard to believe right now, but it's very very true.

    You just have to be in the present moment. Just Be. Have friends and family.

  15. thank you for your kind note on my blog. I will be following yours now. You are a great writer and so expressive
    Tia @ Dietcolagirl

  16. Hey girl... I read this a while back and didnt get a chance to comment yet so here it goes..

    I dont feel like you really 'need' to be anything. I think you have the bar raised way to high, like most of us with Eating Disorders.

    You are just YOU and that needs to be enough.

    I really think this need to 'have an identity' is really closely linked to your ED. anyway its just a know whats going on more then me!

    love ya..
    Dana xo

    I could make a list of all the things I think you are and how I think your great etc. BUT I dont think that would be helpful. You need to see it yourself.

    Why cant being a great friend be enough? Or just a college kid enjoying life? just enjoy yourself for who you are, you dont need to 'be' anything.

    I really think

  17. i feel like this a lot, more than i'd like thats for sure. I love the way you piece words together and how your sentence structure flows! (im a writing fanatic) and i can tell when someone has a natural ability for it- writing is something that comes effortlessly for you and its a great talent to have!

    the best line for me is "im craving an identity" .. wow how true is that! thats a real hunger, being starved of life and finding who you are. and even when we find out who we are we need to find places that allow us to build on that and remind us of that. amazing!

    xoxo <3

  18. I have no idea who I am.

    I'm not one for label-wearing, but try any of these on for size, because, trust me, they all fit you: teacher, wordsmith, healer, inspiration, explorer.

    Listen, I've got a good 20 years on you, and I'm STILL trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Here's one of the BEST articles I've ever read on the subject: How to Find What You Love to Do. It might help you decide what destination to steer your life in. You have SO many gifts to share, Becca.


  19. Stay strong, hun. Remember that YOU ARE. Period. There is so much that You Are, that You Love, and that You Can. Just open your eyes a bit wider, and accept your true self. Don't compare to others, and don't wish for something different---that's where the I'm-not and I-cant's creep in.

    (Which book is that from? I adore Jonathan Safran Foer.)

  20. Be nothing. Be something. Be everything. Be you.

    The beauty of being is that you are only constrained by what limits you allow yourself to recognize. Be beautiful. Be inspirational. Be alive. But most of all, be Rebecca Lustig. That is what makes you unique. No one else can be you.