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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's not goodbye...

Over the past 13 months I have made tremendous progress towards my health, recovery and a life worth living.  During that time I've also discovered a passion for writing and have learned the value in a support system-- especially through blogging.  However, I have once again come to a crossroad, realizing I have no idea who Rebecca is (authentically) and what Rebecca wants (genuinely).  While I have accepted that I am in a phase of normalcy amongst others my age, I do not feel I've taken the appropriate actions to move ahead.


An unfortunate, but major, part of my life revolves around comparison.  I am constantly comparing my capabilities to others, setting high and perhaps unrealistic expectations for myself.  What's more, living up to preconceived standards of others has become a norm, and I have failed to recognize my true potential, as well as my basic needs. Such perfectionism has only allowed more room for ED in my life.  The more I compare, the more I push myself.  And when I don't feel as though I haven't met certain standards or expectations, I feel undeserving, and thus begins the cycle of self-destruction.


You see, I feel like a puppet dangling by thick strings, through manipulative forces.  First, there is my environment-- made up of family, friends and peers.  I am constantly doing things to prove myself to, and please, them.  For example, often times I let my mom know everything I did that day, in efforts to please and reassure her (and perhaps myself) that I was productive enough-- that I was worthy enough.  The other set of strings is dangled by ED.  While I work so hard to please others, ED helps restore unbalanced balance (if that makes sense) and a false sense of identity for me to hold onto and manipulate in case I should fail or can't handle the stress and anxiety.  Then, there's me-- the puppet.  Lifeless, empty and lost.


I know I'm not the first, nor the last, one who will admit that I've lost myself within the 'blog world'.  I've wanted so badly to have what others have found-- balance.  I have the appetite for life and I know I want it, but it won't find be found by trying to be something I'm not.  I've learned that I can't take a bite out of someone else's life-- I mean that both literally and metaphorically.  My taste buds crave something original, unique and most importantly, something Rebecca.


Therefore, I feel the time has come for me to finally face what I've feared most. If I so crave to cut myself loose from the strings, I must turn inward and discover who I am, rather than try and obtain an ideal self from external forces.  But the only way for me to find my true identity, is to learn to be with myself. I am going to temporarily abstain from blogging, limit my time on social networking websites and try to avoid tabloids and gossip with hopes of reducing opportunities for comparison, and thus, pressure to be someone I am not.


Nonetheless, I can not undermine the positive impact blogging has had on my recovery, and on my life-- I am exceptionally grateful for and appreciative of your support and encouragement.


So, it is not 'goodbye', it is 'I'll be seein ya'.  In the mean time, I wish you the very best of luck on your personal journeys and want to remind you that anything is possible.  Every day you have the option to do something different-- to do something that's a little more you.  Because you are only given one life to live, and one body to love, and it is never too late.  So set an intention.. Treat your beautiful self with the respect and love you deserve.


And promise me you'll never forget this: 
You are a rock star.

24 comments:

  1. I love you.
    You are brave and strong, and you will succeed in your search for YOU. It might take time, and you'll be forced to confront new challenges - but you will make it.
    Build your life step by step, gradually discovering who you are. It is so very easy to fall into the trap of comparison, and with that loose our own identity. Start to question ourself, look down at ourself. Use so much energy looking at other and their life, that we forget to take a closer look at ourself.

    One thing I can say for sure is by looking for your own identity, you will find someone very, very beautiful.

    All my love, and know that I am with you every step of this way.

    <3

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  2. Ah blogging...sometimes it's difficult to know whether it helps or hinders. Probably a little of both. I hope this break helps, and I know what you mean about living in a state of constant comparison. I still do this myself, although to a lesser extent than I used to a year or more ago.

    Like Hedda says, your journey of self discovery will help you to appreciate how beautiful you truly are.

    Sarah x

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  3. I will miss you so, but I am so happy that you are doing this for yourself. The fact that you can realize what you need like this is a huge step forward.

    Praying for you and sending tons of support,

    (((---hugs---)))

    Scott

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  4. Best wishes for you :) You are such a warm, positive person. Knowing what you need is an ongoing thing. We all support you in the blog world and beyond.

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  5. Rebecca - YOU are a rockstar.
    I can relate to this so much, because last month I spent most of my days with a nagging, self-destructive voice in my head.... I kept telling myself that my blog wasn't good enough, that I had to be more like some of the other bloggers whom I admire. A couple of days ago, I just couldn't take it anymore. Something inside me snapped, and I realized that I don't have to be anyone other than myself. I can strive towards improving myself, but it has to be MYSELF... not anyone else.

    You will figure out who you are. You have a voice in this world, even if it doesn't feel that way. Cutting yourself off from things that trigger you to compare is a really responsible step, and I can't wait for the day where we will all hear from you again :)

    <3 Tat

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  6. I wish you luck on your journey towards self discovery and my only regret towards your choice is that I didn't discover your blog sooner. I'll be keeping you in my Google Reader so that I know when you decide to check in. :)

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  7. Dearest Rebecca,

    I totally understand where you're coming from and I can respect that. You have definitely made so much headway since the start of your blog. You have inspired, you have motivated, you have brought hope to so many readers, myself included.

    I'll miss reading your posts but I know how important it is to start finding yourself, to know that you are worth it for being you, to not have to prove your worth to anyone. And I know you will find Rebecca - beautiful, strong Rebecca!

    Stay strong in all that you do and you're right, this isn't goodbye! I hope to see you soon!

    Much love
    Nat xoxo

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  8. this was amazing.
    you are so incredible, love! I was so happy reading this. You are such a special person and your body deserves all the love it can get. Have a beautiful week!
    Tons of love xxx
    Amanda

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  9. YOU are the rock star!!

    You will be missed :-)

    Jolene

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  10. I will miss reading your blog, but I completely understand the need to take a break from the blogging world. Best of luck!

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  11. i know you have the strength to succeed. you are a wonderful and strong woman. i will miss you blogging but hope you come back to let us know how you are!

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  12. This makes me so, so happy, Rebecca. You are truly embracing what life has to offer, and that is a beautiful thing to witness. You have no obligations, and nothing expected of you other than to be you, and that is what you are learing to do. That is what you're allowing yourself to do.

    In reality, comparison is a waste of time, because you are you: an individual who is beautiful, bright, loving, caring, intelligent, capable and spirited (and so much more!). No one is like you, and no one is like anyone else - we're all individual, and all individually beautiful.

    Take this time to do all the things you want to do. It's your life, afterall.

    I love you so much!

    YOU are a rockstar.

    <3
    Eleanor

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  13. You will be truly missed but I think you are doing the right thing! Doesnt mean you cant check in with us every once and a while :)

    Dana xox
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

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  14. I think the comparison trap is a difficult one to avoid, especially in the blog world. I've been thinking about it a lot lately...why do we, as humans, compare ourselves to others and subject ourselves to terms and restrictions that will supposedly make us "better" ? I think you are completely wise to limit your exposure to the things that promote comparison, and I'll be thinking of you and praying for you as you continue in your recovery.
    Blessing!

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  15. good luck on your journey, Rebecca. I know you will go very far and learn to love everything about yourself :)

    you'll be missed!
    xoxo

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  16. I am so proud of you for recognizing what you need to do to take care of yourself and that you are doing it!!! I have no doubt that you are going to be fully recovered from your ED someday, because you are so positive, hopeful, and hard-working! We will miss you but we all support you and will be thinking of you and wishing you the best! Keep up the good work and take care. <3

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  17. Good luck girlie! I'm going to miss your posts, but I know you're doing what is best for you. XOXO

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  18. full support from me. i've noticed myself trying to do the same things (except i refuse to let go of twitter, i love it too damn much, lolz)
    its hard when the internet is so easy to get on and lose yourself. maybe that's why i haven't posted in ages. i feel like i've found the people i want to stick with me through blogs (m'am i include you in this bunch) and i now need to keep going without the computer. its scary, i know for sure. but i think we can still support each other in these things.
    how bout we do some skyping sometime, cause i wants to see your face some more.
    what an all over the place comment, to sum it up like i said in the beginning. i fully support you.
    loveeee
    emily

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  19. This post is as lovely as its author. I especially love the sentence "Every day you have the option to do something different - to do something that's a little more you." I will write it in my moleskine, it is so inspiring. I wish you the best on your journey too and Im looking forward to your future posts.

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  20. Hello Rebecca
    I can only share my own experience of being an atheist who discovered that there really is a God and that He loves me no matter how good, bad, tall, small etc i am. It doesn't matter how many people hate me because i know He loves me. Nothing in this life is too important to me anymore because i know it will be over one day and all that matters is that i try to be a good person. I used to be the tennis club loser for several years, it was a greast experience! Seriously because i learned to stop taking competition so seriously and let go of my ego. My ego was my God- win, win, win, be the best etc but that put so much pressure on myself that i became a nervous wreck at the start of every match and would lose time after time after time after time for years! Now i am really easygoing and content with the little i have. I am not married and i would love to have been, i have been in love but i don't worry because i know i will have eternity to see them and that is all that matters to me. Heaven is an incredible reality to me and i like to think about it often. Don't let life get you down, God loves us and gives me great belief in my own dignity and the dignity of every other person. Every one of us is an incredible unique Invention of God.
    God bless you,
    i don't have twitter account but if you want you can contact me thru my pitiable website.
    trinity.la

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  21. Rebecca i love you and truly honor this decision. i held off starting a blog a year ago because i was so wrapped up in everything and felt really lost. it was hard for me to be myself cuz i had no idea what that was. i know in the future i may grow away from blogging when need be, but its so important to do what uve done which is to honor what u know u need to do for yourself. especially when we can become so caught up in the socialization of life that we end up spending the latter of our day feeling lost in our own skin.. and small in our own lives. explore this world and explore yourself, you deserve it!! and ur blog is always here for you to check in or to express anything you need to. i know its a "see ya" but i will miss you!!! <3 <3 <3 HUGSSSS

    XOXO

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  22. I hate this, because I really enjoy reading your blog! But I respect what your trying to do. It really makes sense. We can get so caught up in trying to be someone or something, that we lose ourselves. How does that happen? I remember being a kid and just being...me. Liking what I liked and hating what I hated, and never thinking twice about it, because I didn't care what it meant to be who I really was, or what anybody else thought of me. Growing up is like losing apart of that self assurance and self love. It sucks!

    <3 Tori

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  23. I want you back!!! can we have a vote? lol...

    I hope you are well? think about you tons!!

    xxoo

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