An unfortunate, but major, part of my life revolves around comparison. I am constantly comparing my capabilities to others, setting high and perhaps unrealistic expectations for myself. What's more, living up to preconceived standards of others has become a norm, and I have failed to recognize my true potential, as well as my basic needs. Such perfectionism has only allowed more room for ED in my life. The more I compare, the more I push myself. And when I don't feel as though I haven't met certain standards or expectations, I feel undeserving, and thus begins the cycle of self-destruction.
You see, I feel like a puppet dangling by thick strings, through manipulative forces. First, there is my environment-- made up of family, friends and peers. I am constantly doing things to prove myself to, and please, them. For example, often times I let my mom know everything I did that day, in efforts to please and reassure her (and perhaps myself) that I was productive enough-- that I was worthy enough. The other set of strings is dangled by ED. While I work so hard to please others, ED helps restore unbalanced balance (if that makes sense) and a false sense of identity for me to hold onto and manipulate in case I should fail or can't handle the stress and anxiety. Then, there's me-- the puppet. Lifeless, empty and lost.
I know I'm not the first, nor the last, one who will admit that I've lost myself within the 'blog world'. I've wanted so badly to have what others have found-- balance. I have the appetite for life and I know I want it, but it won't find be found by trying to be something I'm not. I've learned that I can't take a bite out of someone else's life-- I mean that both literally and metaphorically. My taste buds crave something original, unique and most importantly, something Rebecca.
Therefore, I feel the time has come for me to finally face what I've feared most. If I so crave to cut myself loose from the strings, I must turn inward and discover who I am, rather than try and obtain an ideal self from external forces. But the only way for me to find my true identity, is to learn to be with myself. I am going to temporarily abstain from blogging, limit my time on social networking websites and try to avoid tabloids and gossip with hopes of reducing opportunities for comparison, and thus, pressure to be someone I am not.
Nonetheless, I can not undermine the positive impact blogging has had on my recovery, and on my life-- I am exceptionally grateful for and appreciative of your support and encouragement.
So, it is not 'goodbye', it is 'I'll be seein ya'. In the mean time, I wish you the very best of luck on your personal journeys and want to remind you that anything is possible. Every day you have the option to do something different-- to do something that's a little more you. Because you are only given one life to live, and one body to love, and it is never too late. So set an intention.. Treat your beautiful self with the respect and love you deserve.
And promise me you'll never forget this: