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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A for Effort.

JustASingleDreamHalloween is the perfect excuse to be someone else for a night.  It allows you to let go of any inhibitions and get comfortable outside your own skin.

To be blunt, I have never been a fan of the holiday.  I have always thought it was such a hassle to find the perfect costume that was clever, witty and not too scandalous (because, let's be honest: put sex in front of ANY noun, and you've got yourself a costume).  This year though, I tried to approach the holiday a bit differently. I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and act a little more me.  Confusing, I am aware.

This past weekend I went back to Pittsburgh to spend time with those who have seen me through my best and worst times.  These people have seen Rebecca shine and ED dominate, but have stood by my side through it all; thus, I wanted to give a little something back: my full and undivided attention as Rebecca, sans ED.  In the words of my mother, my goal was to "let loose, have fun-- and relive the life of Rebecca as a college freshman".  

Do I get an A for effort?  Excitement filled every vein of my body, as I drove to Pittsburgh with one of my closest friends.  I admire her for so many reasons, but mainly because she has this careless aura about her that is alluring and contagious.  She's one of those girls who appears to be so comfortable in her own skin.  She laughs out loud, loves until it hurts and takes advantage of this precious life we've been given-- each and every day.  Yes, I admire and thank her for allowing me to be my ridiculous, silly self in her company.  Anyways, the entire car ride was spent laughing until our stomachs ached, smiling until our jaws hurt and chatting and screaming lyrics until our voices were hoarse.  I savored each and every of the four-plus hours it took to drive from the greater Philadelphia area to Pittsburgh.

Once arrived, I was immediately greeted by two of my favorite girlfriends.  I have learned so much about myself as a person since I met them the night of their Vokols auditions.  They make me want to be better and show me, individually and collectively, my full potential.  Though I value the unique and beautiful characteristics they possess, together they make a great team, and  I hope they recognize and appreciate their compatibility.  Through all the excitement of the weekend, perhaps what I enjoyed most was the time spent dressed in layers of comfortable 'Pitt gear', laying around, noshing and gossiping.  I am able to confide in both of them with only the most trust and respect of their opinions.  Great pride is taken in knowing that honest, trustful friends who "have your back" are out there. I want to thank them, again, for their lovely hospitality and sacred, cherished conversations.

I spent the majority of my weekend in Pittsburgh with my closest friends, and although I wish more time could have been spent with several individuals, their presence, alone, was enough to familiarize my identity and motivate me to continue on the path I lead.  I enjoyed an intimate pot-luck dinner, made a few appearances at the bars in Oakland, frolicked from tailgate to tailgate for the Pitt football game, experienced food poisoning for the first time (I promise it's not fun) and made the most of every moment spent in my college town.

So, I suppose I deserve an A for effort this Halloween, because rather than flaunt myself as a fictional character, I was able to live a little more like me-- like the silly, vocal and carefree girl who refuses to settle for anything mediocre.

Pittsburgh will always be my home away from home, as memories serve as a reminder of who I was, where I've been, and how I got to the present reality I am confronted with.  I often question decisions and motives, especially those which I've made within the past month, but I can't obsess over what's been done.  I suppose what hurts the most is the thought that I could have let one of the best parts of my life loose.  But after a weekend spent with several of my closest friends, I am reminded that there is always a brighter tomorrow, so long that I open my eyes and heart.  And what's more,  I am reminded to try and refrain from wondering what could have and perhaps what should have been, because all that's left is what will be.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." --e.e. cummings
The ジェシカFragments:


  1. beautifully written. being you is the perfect way to spend halloween!


  2. beautiful and honest post! i think you spent the holiday doing something great for yourself. you deserve it!

  3. Hi girlie :) This is a wonderful post. It's great to be able to revist parts of yourself that you feel you've lost in the process. The hardest part is to actually make yourself do it, which you did. xoxo

  4. It sounds like you had an awesome time! One of the best things about it is being able to look back and laugh and appreciate what a good time it was. I don't think enough people do that.

  5. I am happy to hear you had a good time with yourself and got to enjoy being you!
    it's not easy to really tell who am I and what do I like and want but it sounds like you did really well this halloween

  6. I don't comment anywhere near as much as I should these days...need to make more effort...I do read though and think you are absolutely brilliant and wonderfully brave for putting yourself out here for who you are on your blog (especially brave for the post from the 10th Oct).

    Sentimentalities aside, I'm glad you had a good time back home. I think you always appreciate it more when you've been distanced for some period of time or if you don't go back too often.

    Hope you've been having an equally good week. xx:)

  7. I have never been a huge Halloween fan, either. I like how you chose to make something more of the holiday...I am so glad you were able to live a little more like you!
    It sounds like you have a wonderful group of fabulous friends. It is so nice to be surrounded by people who love you for you and yet inspire you to be better.

  8. Gorgeously written my friend! I have always loved halloween, but chose this year to sit the dressing up out ;) I agree how it is usually just time of year for women to get all sexy for a day ;)

    You had a wonderful trip it sounds like!


  9. glad you had a good time and took this challenge - it sounds like you have an amazing best friend!

  10. I absolutely love this post Rebecca. I had a similar little revelation about Halloween, and realizing that I really need to start stepping out of my comfort zone in order to grow and truly get better. You are such an inspiration to me, and it makes me so happy to hear about you letting go and being yourself with the people who love you most.

    It's easy to pretend to be someone that we aren't. It's easy to put on a mask and make like everything is okay when it isn't... but it takes real guts to be your honest and true self. It's scary to be vulnerable, even with people who don't necessarily judge you. I am so proud of you :)

  11. I LOVE this post Rebecca!!!!! You are so so amazing :)

    I am so glad you had a good time at halloween, and I LOVE that you used this holiday to find yourself, instead of pretending to be someone else :)

    You are awesome!


  12. Going back to an "old" set of friends that have seen you at your worst can be daunting and bring up all kinds of difficult emotions, MAJOR kudos to you for taking on that challenge and doing so well with it!

  13. Okay, if I say this every time I read a post of yours, don't hate me for being unoriginal.
    It's just that, I love how thoughtful you are.
    So much examining.
    Really beneficial stuff, Beck.
    And reading it makes me want to go live!
    Thanks, girl :)